if only i could believe that

i bought some
pills today
shopping for
the odds and
ends that
make up my
life
blades and
candles
the fat kind
that don't
smell like
flowers when
you burn
them
no need to
hide the
smell of
burning flesh

i had a
headache
only a small
one
i thought i
would buy
some pills
to take to
make it go
away
it was a
mistake
they beckoned
and called
to me
whispering that
they were the
answer
the only
answer left

i picked up
one in
trembling hands
medication does
that to you
i can't write
anymore
the words tremble
and shake on
the page

then i picked
up another
looking at the
small label
in the back
making sure
thinking back
to the nights
spent poring over
the PDR
i licked at my
lower lip
almost tasting
the pills on my
tongue

one bottle
two bottle
three bottle
four bottle

they clicked and
rattled together
in the basket
alongside with
the blades snug in
their plastic
wrapping and the
red candle

a prescription
to the panic that
scrabbled at
the back of my
mind

i now sit here
before the
freezer and
i swallow mouthful
after mouthful of
ice cream and
frozen pizza
still in the
wrapping
the plastic is thin
against my tongue
and scratches as it
goes down

the cabinets are
all open and
food is stretched
across the room

i feel dull
and the words
won't come out right

my fingers go down
my throat
and scratch at
the back of it
my body heaves and
i can't think
anymore

not anymore
not anymore
black dots dance
and convulse in
the air before
my eyes
vomit is on my hands
and on my clothes
there is blood

it's not as
clean as it should
be
the perfect little
bulimic putting
her perfect manicured
nails down her
throat and pushing the
magic button
and it all comes up in
one painless, perfect
heave and
everything is so
perfect
so fucking perfect

that's why i sit
still and shocked
with vomit
still warm
lying in my lap
and my fingers
scrabbling at the door

the plastic bags
are still outside
the door
rustling
when i paw
through them
greedy

i don't reach
for the blades
or the candle
no need to use
the lighter that
i know is in
my back pocket

the pills are
cold in my
hand
they lie and
stare up at me

greedy
they sigh to
me
greedy

i swallow one
then another
then another

not to die
to forget
just for a
moment
that i fail
not to die
not to die

if only i could
believe that