I am unwanted.
I've just arrived from school. Yes, school. There, they told me right in my face. I am useless. I am a pest. A useless pest that should get out of their faces. And all I did was be happy and mind my own business.
Get out of their faces?
That's what I really want to do right now.
I tried not to mind that one, although I was getting really, really pissed off. Today was not the first time they told me that. Badmouths wherever I go, whenever. I'm getting sick of this. I've tried to kill my time with my friends. But then, they'd just go on and mind their own businesses. And my life was none of their business. Without saying anything to me, they told me to shut up and mind my own.
Shut up and mind my own business?
That's actually what I'm trying to do right now.
Hung out by the fountain this afternoon. Watched it for some time from two floors above. The water and the lights were nice. Very nice. I've been thinking of jumping. Jumping, from a couple of floors above, to the welcoming water and the lights…yes, the lights…
I'll surely die. Good.
I believe in the brighter side of everything. Somehow there's always this what they call 'good' in every bad thing inside of everybody. And I used to believe in that. I've always looked for that, hoping, believing. Everytime something bad happens to me, or everytime someone does or says something rather offending to me, I always answer with a smile. I've always treated everything like a game. A joke. I tried to understand everybody's reasons for their actions.
I've always wanted everybody to be happy, and I do everything I can for them to be so. I'm the one who always said that we live and do what we want to do for ourselves and not to please everybody. I wish I knew why I've always said that. But then again, am I doing that? Am I just lying to myself? Am I just pretending?
I really don't know. But I'm getting tired.
Should I stop?
Life is not that simple. I've always known that, but never really cared. I should've. Now I'm starting to doubt my own philosophy.
How come however nice I try to be, they would always get pissed off?
To be hated is like having my right hand chopped off. And my hand is like, everything to me. I am so messed up. I wish I can change and just be normal. There will be just me, nobody else. That way I won't hurt.
What is the problem with me?
I've always wanted everybody to like me for who I really am.
But they treat me like shit.
And I feel like it.
I don't know what will happen in the next few days. If it will be the same as the other days, I don't want to know. I don't want to feel hated anymore. I want to cry, but I don't know how to.
Too tired trying to be liked. Too tired of giving. Too tired of having nothing in return. Too tired being hated. Too tired being alone in this dark, cold room.
Have been, always will.
I am unwanted.