I got this book, called '98 Things a Woman Should Do in Her Lifetime" by Rebekah Shardy. I have this thing about doing everything. For the last two years my friend and I have made lists of ten things we want to do that we've never done before, and we try to do them all before the end of the year. I think I'm really just afraid of never doing all these things that I've always wanted to. I'm afraid of not experiencing everything. I love to do new things, and I love to learn new things. Sometimes it feels like I'm struggling to know everything so I can analyse it and use it. And I keep trying to tell myself that I have to be patient and just live life, and sooner or later I'll know enough. But then I think, what if there is no later? I mean, you can't really be absoulutely sure that you're going to be here tomorrow. So why not do it today? Next up, #73: Dance under the full moon. As for my list with my friend.. well, I did nine out of ten last year, and I fully plan to do all ten this year. I'm sure my mother will appreciate my desire to cook and entire meal...
I cross out the days on my calendar with a big black permanent marker. Maybe it's to show myself that there's no looking back. Maybe it's to remind me that everyday is just another usless and bleak day. Maybe it's just because I like black. Everything we do in life says something about ourselves. From the way we brush our teeth, to the route we take to get somewhere. That's why I always though psychology was so interesting. It would be so awesome to be able to know things about a person just by reading into their manurisms and the way they do things. I like to try and figure people out, because when you understand something it's easier to deal with. And I'm not great with dealing with people, so understanding them makes it easier. But it makes me angry when people pretend they understand me and I know they don't. I know there are some people who understand me.. and I also know there are some people that I'll never understand, just because I could never be like them or I can't relate to them at all. Like those extremely optimistic people who never deal with things, they just ignore them and hope they go away, meanwhile going on about how life is perfect. I can't do that.
Being 16 is hard. Honestly. I mean you don't have any of the rights or privileges of being an adult and no one treats you like an adult, yet you're constantly expected to act like adults. To top that all off, you're supposed to be planning your future and working towards goals, and having the time of your life. There simply isn't enough time to do all of that at once. So you either work really hard and have no fun at all, or you don't work and have alot of fun... but then you don't get into university and you end up hating the rest of your life. So when you're 16 you have to decide whether you want to live for now or for later. And all the while you're being treated like a chid, but excepted to be very adult about it.
You know what I've been thinking about? Shoelaces. Why? I have no idea. But sometimes it's easier to find more of an understanding of life when you look at the little things, the details, instead of the whole picture at once. When you're always looking at the big picture, you don't notice the detail. The shoelace, for example. People love buying shoes, but how often do you think about the shoelaces that come with them? And in reality, if there was no shoelace, your shoe wouldn't work, would it? Shoelaces are one of those essential things that everyone overlooks. In the world there are so many people who are like shoelaces. In the manner that they do things that we need done, but they don't get any recognition. These shoelace-people are just ordinary people who do ordinary things, for whatever reason. But if no one did the ordinary things, then, everything else wouldn't work. It kind of makes you think, doesn't it? Maybe there's too much emphasis on being extraordinary and achieving great things. But you don't really need to do great things to contribute to society. And that's why we should all have a little more respect for the shoelaces of the world.
I'm taking a social sciences class this semester, and we were
talking about whether human emotions are trained or intuitive. In my heart I
would like to say that's it's intuitive, that emotion is something we're born
with.. but I think part of me has always felt the other way, too. For example,
when you're 5 years old at a Remembrance Day ceremony or something, you might
cry. But you're not crying because you understand that thousands of people died,
you're crying because you know that you're supposed to be sad. And you have
to wonder as you go through life if all of the times you're crying because it's
instinct, or because that's just what your body is trained to do. Biologically
speaking, there's no reason for us to cry. It's not a defense mechanism (not
traditionally speaking anyway) and it does nothing for your physical health.
So why do we cry? On the other end of the discussion there are alot of good
points, too. One being that from when you're first born you get angry or upset
at things like the fact that your diaper's full or you're hungry. But are those
emotional cries, or is it just a protest or a demand of sorts? It's a hard thing
to decide. All I know is that whether it began that way or not, emotions are
real, and they're worth so much to me. I'm happy to be happy and sad and excited.
Emotion's the only thing that makes life actually living.