All My Seeds
A pumpkin soap opera

Setting: The Halloween pumpkin display in front of Safeway, one cold mid- October morning.

Cast: Petey-a little boy pumpkin Mary-Petey's mother Tom-a sinister he-pumpkin Aerin-Tom's girlfriend Farmer Joe-the most evil farmer ever (he uses pumpkins as compost!)

Scene One:

Mary: Petey, honey, why are you crying?

Petey: M-mom, it's s-so c-c-cold out here.

Mary: I know, son. I wish I could provide better for you, but since your dad's fatal squashing accident, I just haven't made enough money to do so.

Petey: B-but Mom-

Mary: Shh, Petey. Try and be strong, like your Daddy was.

(Two new pumpkins-Tom and Aerin-are placed on the pumpkin display by a bag- boy.)

Mary: Oh no, it can't be you, Tom-

Tom: That's right, Mary mwahahahaha, it's me. You tried to kill me with that Napalm last August, but I'm back!


Petey: Who are you, again?

Tom: Well, Mary, I see you finally had our son.

Petey: What?

Mary: He's not your son, you fiend-he's Jack's son!

Aerin: I didn't know pumpkins reproduced bisexually.

Mary: Whatever.

Tom: You and Jack?

Mary: That's right. Jack's twice the pumpkin you are.

Tom: Jack that had his face carved up be Farmer Joe's daughter two seasons ago?

All: Gasp!

Mary: Well.umm..

Petey: You told me he was squashed!

Mary: There's a lot of things you don't know about your father, Petey.

Tom: I'm his father!

Petey: (In tears) You lied to me?

Mary: I'm sorry, Petey-if you would just let me explain-

Petey: You've had my entire life to explain!

Mary: I'm so sorry.

Petey: What else have you kept from me?

Aerin: Well, I think I'm your great aunt.

Petey: How did that work out?

Aerin: I have no clue.