Bending

It began with a lean,
A slight curve away from the norm
Stretching more than usual
To offer a hand
Not knowing the weight was my first mistake

It was a nice view
A peek into the window of someone else's life
A journey from reality its self it seemed
Not knowing the foggy view those inside had of me
Outside looking in on what I could not be

Such soft light and happy laughter
Like a warm pie on the windowsill
Teasing me closer and closer
With promises of fancies and lovelies
Things I have never had want of

Things that kept me glued to the pane
Watching hungrily craving
Needing to experience that which was strange
And unusual to my spirit calling, calling
Finally out of desperation I tapped

And the doors of heaven were thrown open
Light poured around me from that joyful room with in
But there was something wrong about this light
Something odd and unclean
My flesh crawled as I delved into what was provided

I learned to ignore the wrongness
Embrace the oddities that my life was lacking
Enjoy the foggy view of the outside world
And taunt those who were like me
Out side looking in on what I could not have

But inside , I knew there was something not right
Something lacking about my new found reality
It was thin and pale washed
Compared to the blatant emotions of my past life
I sought more , dug deeper

All I found was what lay at the surface
A pale exterior on a broken life
The walls children throw up to block out pain
Happiness wrought of faux naïveté
Insincere innocence

What I found was something worst that the life I left behind
What I found was a world trapped in the past
Pasted together by sheltered trust
Built on childish imagination
Based on a past left so far behind only a thin membrane remains

The feel of over whelming wrong returned
And could not be shaken
I sought the window through which I came
And found it sealed off
there was no room for more to enter

No way to escape into what was real
So I tried to change this fallacy
But those who created it resisted
I could no better change their ways than stop the rain from falling
But my pleas were not in vain

Somehow the window reopened
But I had lived a fallacy for so long
I had forgotten the pains of reality
Forgotten how to take life as it was
So I was reborn into my life

Resumed tasks set before me
With nothing but my self to lean on
I began to bend again
This time it was concave
I was slowly collapsing in on my self

Fading from sanity
Leaving behind what was
What is what could be
A staying rooted to the moment
Living on ideals and thoughts of the past

The distant past , when I was truly me
Before the first bending ,
Before the windows were opened
Before I knew what it meant to care
Before I knew what it meant to live

I found my self searching again and always
I ended up in the company of those with windows
Those sheltered from the reality I dealt with daily
Those living as if age and present were non existent
As if they could stay young forever

Wishing I could be as they
Those with everything
But every thing comes at a cost
A cost that I am not willing to pay again
So I remained in the company of those to blind to see the truth

Dangling like bait before them
I tempted some and shunned others into my world
The harsh reality that is life
The life I can hardly bare
But the life I will never part with again

As I grow I compare my self to those still trapped with in them selves
And I realize the in their company I also am on the inside looking out
With them I am transformed prodded and tugged and bent ever backwards
Their every whim so compelling I belie myself to conform
Scrounging and scraping ant tying myself to comply

But I am now older
Older than they will ever be
Not in age , or body but in mind , spirit and soul
I have grown while their little one room life with a view of reality has shrunk
Holding them prisoner in an ever shrinking fantasy world

Our paths have diverged and I start out on my own
Knowing what I want but fearing the procuring of it
Fearing that I , like those I ve left behind
Will come to enjoy attainment so much that I rebuke reality and dwell on the accomplishments of my past
Like a child clinging to a scrap of paper with nothing but a caricature smile adorning it
Yet hanging on as if its life depended on that one achievement
That one occasion of renown and prestige
Fearing that maybe , one such scrap may hold my life's work
And I will pass into eternity unknown

All those who once I was in company with
Have locked me out of their secure little world
There's no room for a radical idealists
For one who thinks for themselves
And invite others to do the same
No room for someone who gives all a fair chance
And none the other side of everything
There's no room for a new comer with strange ideas
Different experiences
Different insights on the workings of the world
There is no room for me in either world

To old to be young, yet too young to be old
Too smart to be dumb yet lacking something essential
Too everything yet not something enough to make a seem difference
To bent I can never stand truly straight with out the pain of remembrance
To remind of all I have been through
And all I have yet to see

It began with a lean
A slight curve away from the norm
Stretching more than usual to offer a hand
It ends with a life time of hard earned experience
Maybe someday it will all add up to a purpose
Something that will take me further than I ever dreamed I could go

~Nat~