PRESIDENT WHATEVER
EPISODE 1: UNDEAD PRESIDENTS
WRITTEN BY SAMANDMAX
FADE IN
EXT. THE WHTIE HOUSE LAWN. DAY
PRESIDENT DEVON MATTERS IS SITTING ON THE FRONT LAWN, WEARING A T-SHIRT FOR THE STORE TARGET. HE'S DRINKING FROM A CAN OF 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHOOT ME' SODA. A BULLETPROOF VEST SITS NEXT TO HIS PICNIC BASKET
DEVON
Ah. What a nice relaxing day. One of those perfect days when you know you just won't get shot. Oh, I forgot to put on my bulletproof vest....Ah, I'm too lazy to move the three inches to get it.
TWO BODYGUARDS WALK UP
Bodyguard #1
Uh, Mr. Matters. Should you really be having a picnic on the front lawn? We got three tips yesterday that someone was going to try and kill you today, at this exact time.
DEVON
You guys worry too much. I'm the President of the United States of America, who'd want to hurt me! I'm the World's king. Now if you'll execuse me, It's time for my nap.
BODYGUARD #2
But sir-
DEVON
NO ONE DISTURBS ME WHEN IT'S NAP TIME! YOU'RE FIRED!
THE TWO BODYGUARDS BEGIN TO WALK AWAY. THE FIRED ONE BEGINS TO CRY.
DEVON
Sheesh. The people working here such a bunch of worrywarts. Don't they read the news? I mean, when was the last time you heard of a U.S President getting attacked?
THERE'S A GUNSHOT, AND A BULLET HITS THE PICNIC BASKET
DEVON
Those darn hunters. I guess I didn't wear a big enough target on my shirt, they can still see me!
A KNIFE FLIES PAST HIM AND LANDS IN THE GRASS
DEVON
And now they're throwing knives at me. When will those guys learn there's no hunting on my property. I really ought to put up a 'No Hunting' sign.
A FORK HITS DEVON IN THE FACE. HE STANDS UP SCREAMING, AND THEN FALLS OVER DEAD. WE ZOOM CLOSE ON HIS LIFELESS EYES.
FADE OUT
THE TITLE CREDITS PLAY
FADE IN
INT. DIRTY APARTMENT. DAY
WE'RE IN JOSH MATTERS DIRTY APARTMENT, DEVON MATTERS TWIN BROTHER. JOSH IS SITTING ON HIS COUCH, WEARING A BROWN PAPER BAG AS PANTS. THERE'S A KNOCKING AT THE DOOR, AND VICE-PRESIDENT HARRY POLLMAR WALKS IN.
JOSH
Whoa man! Like I told you last time at the White House, I have no idea how my urine got in that soup! Someone framed me!
HARRY
Relax Josh, I'm not here to deal with your bladder. I'm here to talk about your brother.
JOSH
What about him? He's dead.
HARRY
You don't sound too shocked.
JOSH
Nah. Life's too short to be sad. It's best just to take the sad moments in life, and push them in the back of your mind with alcohol and bananas.
HARRY
Uhh...ok. It's good to see you're handling it well.
JOSH
Hey, can you do me a favour? Could you go down to the supermarket, and get a plastic bag? I need a shirt to wear.
HARRY
Maybe later. We've got more important things to discuss, like your future.
JOSH
Hey man, I don't got a future. I go where I want to go, I do want I want to do.
HARRY
Is that why you wear grocery bags and live in filth?
JOSH
Yeah, basically. Plus I don't have a job.
HARRY
How do you pay for the apartment?
JOSH
Well, tecnically the apartment's not mine. It was closed off in 1982 due to a radioactive cockroach problem, and the landlord doesn't actually know I'm in here.
HARRY
Dear god.
JOSH
Yeah, I get that a lot.
HARRY
Well, enough talk of radioactive cockroaches. Let's get down to business.
JOSH
What do you want?
HARRY
I have an opportunity of a lifetime Josh, a chance for you to make something out of your life?
JOSH
You gonna give me some cheese?
HARRY
What? No. Something a million times better.
JOSH
Money and cheese?
HARRY
No. I was going to offer the presidency to you.
JOSH
Ha. Good one.
HARRY
I'm not joking Josh. We need you, and we need you desperately.
JOSH
I'm no politician. I can barely cross the street without the chance of dying a horrible, painful death.
HARRY
It's not about the politics. Here, let me explain. Before your brother was murdered, he was working on a huge peace treaty with other countries around the world, to be signed in Russia.
JOSH
Who needs peace when you've got guns.
HARRY
Uhhh.....yeah. But anyway, this peace treaty could possibly be the thing that stops war for the rest of our time. It needs to be done, but with your brother gone, it'll prove to be difficult. The other countries loved your brother, and will not sign with anyone else.
JOSH
How do I fit into all of this?
HARRY
Well...you do look an awfully lot like your brother...
JOSH
OH MY GOD! YOU WANT ME TO POSE NUDE AS MY BROTHER!
HARRY
What? No. I want you to pretend to be your brother, and sign that treaty.
JOSH
I HAVE TO SIGN THE TREATY IN THE NUDE!?
HARRY
No, no nudity is required.
JOSH
Damn.
HARRY
You'll pretend to be your brother, who magically came back to life after dying. We'll say Ghandi's ghost brought you back, that should impress people.
JOSH
Wait a minute...if someone killed my brother, wouldn't they try to kill me?
HARRY
Don't worry. We posted an extra 2 bodyguards.
JOSH
Oh. Ok, yeah I'll do it.
HARRY
Perfect. Let's head down there right now.
JOSH
Great. Let's go.
HARRY
But please, for the love of god, but some real pants on.
FADE OUT
INT. PRESS MEETING. NIGHT
JOSH IS STANDING AT THE PODIUM, WEARING A DIRTY WHITE SUIT THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS LAST WORN IN THE 70'S. A SIGN ON THE WALL BEHIND HIM READS "PRESIDENT MATTERS BACK WITH VENGEANCE".
JOSH
And then Satan charged at me with his pitchfork, screaming like a wild boar. I calmly stood there and said to him 'Looks like the devil's gonna get his due'.
THE PRESS CHEER WILDLY
JOSH
To make a long story short, I rode a rocket ship out of hell, and back onto Earth. That's why I'm alive again. Any questions?
A REPORTER RAISES HIS HAND
REPORTER
Uh Mr. President, how does it feel to be alive after being killed with a fork.
JOSH
Well, I'll tell you. My good old pal Ghandi's ghost explained it best when he said to me in heaven, "Hey, bro. If you ever go back to Earth, make sure to live it up a notch." So, I'm gonna live it up a notch!
JOSH PULLS A CAN OF BEER FROM UNDERNEATH THE PODIUM
JOSH
This baby's for you, Ghandi!
HE STABS A HOLE IN THE CAN WITH A PEN AND BEGINS CHUGGING IT. THE PRESS WATCH IN SILENT AWE.
JOSH
Woo! Yeah! HUGE PARTY AT THE WHITE HOUSE TONIGHT! TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS! NO FATTIES!
JOSH RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM SCREAMING. HARRY WALKS FROM THE SIDE OF THE STAGE, AND UP TO THE MICROPHONE
HARRY
Uhh....I should tell you, the fork hit his brain so he's not all there.
FADE OUT
ACT 2
FADE IN
INT. ENTRANCE OF THE WHITE HOUSE. DAY
JOSH WALKS INTO THE MAIN HALL OF THE WHITE HOUSE. HE'S WEARING A SHIRT THAT READS 'TOO HOT TO TOUCH!'. HARRY WALKS IN BEHIND HIM.
JOSH
Ah, it's good to be home.
HARRY
Well, don't get too comfortable. Once the treaty's signed, I'll take the reigns of the country.
JOSH
Hey, do you think it'd be alright if I put up a huge banner here for the party. Maybe have it say 'Welcome to Pary-a-Looza!"
HARRY
Uh, about the party. I don't think it'd be such a good idea.
JOSH
Why not? You're invited you know.
HARRY
Well, President's usually don't throw Party-a-Looza's.
JOSH
I'm a different kind of President. A president for the kickass generation!
HARRY
That's the problem. Most of the people who voted for your brother, were not part of this kickass generation. They're part of the 'Lead the World to a Better Place' kind of generation.
JOSH
See, that's the problem with the world. There's not enough partying, and drunken karoke singing.
THERE'S A LOUD HONKING FROM OUTSIDE
JOSH
That must be the Pope. I invited him too.
JOSH HEADS OUTSIDE
HARRY
God, please make sure by the end of the night, the white house is not in flames, or possibly flying away.
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
JOSH IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK IN THE OVAL OFFICE. HE HAS A LOOK OF COMPLETE SERIOUSNESS ON HIS FACE. HIS ADVISOR, BOB TUCKER, ENTERS.
BOB
Well, Harry told me that you're really Devon's brother. I guess that'd explain why the pope is drinking from a beer bong downstairs.
JOSH
Silence. You are in the presence of your god, me.
BOB
What?
JOSH
I SAID SILENCE!
JOSH BANGS A GAVEL ON HIS DESK
BOB
You know, only judge's use gavels.
JOSH
...Shut up.
THE DOORS TO THE OFFICE BURST OPEN, AND HARRY RUNS IN
HARRY
We've got an emergency! A representative from China is here, and he's mad!
JOSH
Bring him in. As supreme overload of awsomeness, I will deal with him.
HARRY
Josh, this is something maybe I should do. You have no experience in dealing with matters like these.
JOSH
Silence. Lead him in.
HARRY AND BOB GIVE EACH OTHER FRIGHTENED LOOKS, AND LEAVE THE OFFICE.
EXT. HALLWAY. DAY
BOB AND HARRY WALK INTO THE HALLWAY. THEY GREET THE REPRESENTATIVE, AND POINT TO THE OVAL OFFICE. HE ENTERS, AND SHUTS THE DOOR.
HARRY
So, when do you think China will launch the first attack?
BOB
I'd say in about eight minutes, maybe nine. As soon as the representative phones them.
HARRY
You know, maybe hiring a vastly unqualified loser to pretend to be the President wasn't such a good idea. Maybe we should've told the truth.
BOB
I still think we should've picked that drunken hobo. He had some good ideas.
THE DOOR OPENS TO THE OVAL OFFICE. THE CHINESE REPRESENTATIVE AND JOSH WALK OUT, JOSH'S ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDER
JOSH
Well, I'm sorry you guys are in debt, but hey, we're in some money problems too. But, I'll ship some ovaltine up to you guys. That stuff's so good, you'll forget all about the money.
REPRESENTATIVE
Ok, that sounds perfect.
JOSH
And hey, remember what I said. You guys need any help, maybe help you move or babysit, just call me, the D-Man. I can help you out.
REPRESENTATIVE
Alright, thank you very much.
BOB AND HARRY GIVE EACH OTHER HORRIFIED LOOKS AS THE REPRESENTATIVE WALKS PAST THEM
JOSH
I want you guys to get about 9000 boxes of Ovaltine send 'em over there, pronto. I can't believe it: that guy never had Ovaltine!
BOB
Uh...I find it disturbing that I'm saying this, but you handled that quite well.
JOSH
China wasn't looking for help, they just needed some false encouragement. Every few weeks I'll send them a card, and everything'll be fine.
JOSH'S SECRETARY, MARION BELL, WALKS INTO THE HALL
MARION
Mr. Matters, I was looking all over for you. You have a meeting right now with the rest of your team. They want to talk about your plans now that you've come back from the dead.
JOSH
Ok, tell them I'll be right there. Make up an execuse for why I was late, maybe tell them I shocked myself sticking a fork in a toaster.
MARIO NODS HER HEAD AND WALKS AWAY
BOB
Ok Josh, this could be a little tricky. These people still think you are your brother, and you have to make sure they still think that. Try not to say much, but if you have to talk, say something intelligent.
JOSH
Ok, gotcha.
BOB
And please, that ovaltine trick might've fooled China, but it won't work on these guys.
HARRY
Remember, you're the president of the United States: You have to act smart.
JOSH
Act smart...I can do that...but I'll need a few props first...
HARRY
Props?
JOSH
Yeah. If I want to act smart, I have to look smart. Get into the role.
BOB
...Fine, but hurry up.
JOSH
Hehehe, this'll be great.
JOSH RUNS DOWN THE HALL, EXCITED
HARRY
Why'd you let him wear props? He's probably going to come in wearing a Spiderman costume, playing a banjo.
BOB
Spiderman playing a banjo? He's not that dumb. He'll probably just wear a monocle or a fake scar, something small.
INT. MEETING ROOM. DAY
A GROUP OF OLDER MEN SIT AROUND A TABLE, QUIETLY TALKING AMONGST THEMSELVES. BOB AND HARRY ENTER AND SIT DOWN AT THEIR SPOTS
BOB
Devon will be here right away, he had to deal with a pressing issue.
HARRY
Yes he...accidently stuck...a fork...in the toaster.
THE MEN NOD THER HEAD IN AGREEMENT AS IF THEY ALL HAD THE SAME ACCIDENT BEFORE. THE DOOR TO THE ROOM OPENS AND JOSH ENTERS WEARING A SPIDERMAN COSTUME AND HOLDING A BANJO IN HIS HANDS
JOSH
Woo! Who's ready to rock!
ALL THE MEN GASP IN HORROR AS THEY SEE HIM. ONE OF THE MEN RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM SCREAMING
HARRY
JOS-, I mean DEVON! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!
BOB
This is highly irregular!
JOSH
What? You said I should dress up for the meeting! And these were the only props I could find.
ONE OF THE MEN SITTING AT THE TABLE, LYLE PETERSON, RAISES HIS HAND
LYLE
Uh, I have a question.
JOSH
Yes?
LYLE
What the hell is going on?
JOSH
...Hey, do you like ovaltine?
HARRY
Ahahaha, just ignore him, he's pretending to be retarded.
LYLE
Hey Bob, can I talk to you over here.
BOB
Sure.
THE TWO MEN WALK TO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM
LYLE
What's going on with Devon? First he drinks beer at a press conference, and now he comes into a meeting dressed up as spiderman.
BOB
Well...I didn't want to say anything but...Devon's got brain AIDS...
LYLE
What!?
BOB
He's got AIDS, in his brain. It causes him to think funny.
LYLE
I never heard of Brain AIDS before.
BOB
It was just discovered yesterday...by Dr...
HE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM. HE SEES DEVON WEARING HIS SPIDERMAN COSTUME, STILL HOLDING THE BANJO
BOB
Dr. Spiderbanjo. He discovered it yesterday. And Devon has it.
LYLE
Uh...Ok...
BOB
It's true, trust me. I met Dr. Spider yesterday, he confirmed it.
LYLE
Dr. Spider? I thought you said his name was Spiderbanjo.
BOB
....No.
LYLE
Yes you did. You said he was Spiderbanjo, I clearly heard you.
BOB
No, no. His name is Dr. Spider, and he plays a banjo.
LYLE
Why would you tell me he plays a banjo? Why would I care?
BOB
I...Ah....I forgot to lock the door to my car.
BOB RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM QUICKLY. LYLE LOOKS CONFUSED, BUT WALKS BACK TO THE REST OF THE MEN IN THE ROOM
LYLE
Uh...Devon, I just heard about your condition, and I just came to say I'm sorry.
JOSH
What?
LYLE
You know...the brain AIDS...
JOSH LOOKS CONFUSED, BUT THEN SEES BOB LOOKING IN FROM THE WINDOW BEHIND LYLE, TELLING HIM TO NOD
JOSH
Oh right...the brain AIDS...how could I forget...nasty business that
LYLE
So uh, I'll make sure to tell everyone to be real nice to you, because hey, I think we all know a little bit about what it's like to have AIDS.
JOSH
You do that.
LYLE TURNS AROUND AND FACES THE REST OF THE MEN AT THE MEETING
LYLE
I have a big announcement. Ahem. Devon has brain AIDS.
THE ROOM GOES SILENT
LYLE
So, since tomorrow's the big day when Devon's going to speak to the whole country about him coming back from the dead, I think we should also get Dr. Spider down here to make a statement about Devon's brain AIDS.
BOB SCREAMS FROM OUTSIDE AND SMASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW. EVERYONE WATCHES SILENTLY AS HE STANDS UP AND DUSTS THE GLASS OFF HIS CLOTHES
BOB
Ahem. I don't think we should get Dr.Spider to talk. It might not be the best idea.
LYLE
I think it's a great idea. It'll create even more sympathy for Devon, because everyone will feel sorry for someone who has brain AIDS.
BOB
But...what if we can't get Dr. Spider to come?
LYLE
Don't worry. We're the US Government, we can legally make anyone do anything. Remember that time we got Denis Franz to take on the entire Russian Army?
EVERYONE LAUGHS
BOB
Ok...but I'll contact Dr. Spider. He'll only talk to me.
LYLE
Fine. But make sure he's there tomorrow, this is going to be a historic event!
BOB
Don't worry. He'll be there.
BOB LOOKS TOWARDS JOSH AND HARRY WITH A LOOK OF WORRY
INT. OVAL OFFICE. NIGHT
JOSH SITS AT HIS DESK WHILE BOB AND HARRY PACE AROUND IN FRONT OF IT
BOB
Maybe we tell them Dr. Spider was really a crazed escaped mental patient, and Josh really doesn't have brain AIDS.
JOSH
No. These guys won't believe it. I have to have brain AIDS tomorrow.
HARRY
Ok...what if we say Dr. Spider died in a horrible car crash?
BOB
No, because then they'll want proof.
HARRY
Well, maybe we could murder someone and stick their body in a flaming car?
BOB
We don't want to kill anyone...unless of course it's necessary.
HARRY
...Then why not use a dead body?
BOB
That could work.
JOSH
I don't know guys. We've been making up all of these lies and fake people, maybe we should just start telling the truth?
EXT. GRAVEYARD. NIGHT
WE SEE THE THREE MEN STANDING IN A HOLE NEAR A GRAVE, DIGGING UP A COFFIN
HARRY
Oh man, we're geniuses. If we pull this off, everything will be in the clear.
BOB
What if they run tests on the corpse, and find out it's not Dr. Spider?
HARRY
Don't worry. We'll smash the dead body's teeth out. Then they won't be able to check his dental records.
BOB
Excellent.
BOB AND HARRY HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER
JOSH
By the way, who are we digging up?
HARRY
Gregory Peck.
JOSH
Now no one can tell me I don't have Gregory Peck's dead body.
THEY ALL LAUGH AS THEY CONTINUE DIGGING
FADE OUT
ACT 3
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
JOSH SITS BEHIND HIS DESK, PLAYING A GAMEBOY. HARRY AND BOB SIT IN FRONT OF THE BIG SCREEN TV WHICH IS USUALLY HIDDEN BEHIND A FAKE BOOKCASE
JOSH (TURNING OFF THE GAMEBOY)
I never would've have thought this room had a TV in it.
BOB
There's a bunch of hidden stuff in here. You know, that window behind you isn't real, it's actually a secret doorway that leads to the Presidential Spa.
HARRY
And that desk transforms into a ping pong table/airhockey board.
JOSH
Wow. Presidents don't do anything.
HARRY
No, not really.
BOB
Wait, it's on!
ON THE TV, THEY SHOW A REPORTER STANDING IN FRONT OF A FLAMING CAR WRECKAGE.
REPORTER
I'm here on Walnut street, where it seems there's been a horrible car accident. No details have been released yet, except the police say that there was a car involved, and a crash. More on that tonight at 11. But up next, we tell you about a new breed of sheep being trained to kill you while you sleep. Ba-Ba-Deadly.
WE CUT BACK TO THE GUYS WATCHING TV
HARRY
Excellent. Now, Josh you release a statement saying that you think the victim was Dr. Spider.
BOB
Our plan is falling together like dominos.
JOSH
You know, this horrible web of lies we created might actually work.
HARRY
People are always saying bad things about lying, but you know, it works better than telling the truth.
MARION WALKS INTO THE ROOM
MARION
Ok Devon. They're ready for you out there.
JOSH
Well gentlemen, my fans await.
JOSH AND MARIO EXIT THE ROOM
EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN. DAY
JOSH WALKS THROUGH THE FRONT DOORS, TO THE APPLAUSE OF THE CROWD. CAMERAS ARE LINED UP ALL AROUND HIM, READY TO FILM HIS BIG SPEECH. HE WALKS UP THE PODIUM.
JOSH
My fellow Americans. I was originally supposed to come up here, and introduce a friend of mine, Dr. Spi-
SOMEONE IN THE CROWD SCREAMS BEFORE HE CAN CONTINUE. IT'S A WOMAN WATCHING A MINIATURE TV, THE SAME NEWS CHANNEL FROM BEFORE
WOMAN
THEY JUST FOUND OUT THAT IT WAS GREGORY PECK DRIVING THE CAR THAT CRASHED!
REPORTER
But he's dead!?
WOMAN
THE DEAD ARE COMING ALIVE!
THE LARGE CROWD OF PEOPLE BEGIN SCREAMING AND RUNNING AWAY FROM THE LAWN
JOSH
People...People please, I'm sure it's all a big misunderstanding.
LYLE RUNS UP TO THE PRESIDENT, A SHARP STICK IN HIS HANDS
LYLE
Devon, you've to get to the copter! Take this stick, you can use it to defend yourself from any zombies!
JOSH
I don't think there are zombies.
LYLE
Get out of here! I'll distract the zombies with my huge juicy brains!
LYLE LEAPS INTO THE HUGE CROWD AND STARTS ATTACKING RANDOM PEOPLE. JOSH LOOKS INTO THE CROWD, EVERYONE IS ATTACKING EACH OTHER AND RACING FOR THE EXITS
FADE OUT
INT. OVAL OFFICE. NIGHT
JOSH SITS AT HIS DESK WITH A TIRED LOOK ON HIS FACE. BOB AND HARY SIT WATCHING THE TV, WHICH DEPICTS THE HYSTERIA
JOSH
You know, I learned something from all of this. If you're going to fake a death, you have to do it right.
BOB
And we definetely didn't do it right.
HARRY
No. No we didn't.
JOSH
But enough of this. Let's party!
HARRY
No more partying. The pope's still passed out on the couch downstairs from yesterday.
JOSH
Well then what can I do. Being president blows. You gotta talk a lot, and you sit all day. I wish I was a communist, then I wouldn't have to go through all of this.
HARRY
Well, you won't be here for long. You'll just sign the treaty, and I'll take ov...WAIT A MINUTE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SIGN THE TREATY TODAY!
BOB
OH CRAP! IT'S IN HALF AN HOUR!
JOSH
Don't panic. We can still make it in time.
BOB
THE SIGNING'S IN RUSSIA! I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET TO RUSSIA IN HALF AN HOUR!
JOSH
Well then, we're screwed.
HARRY
Maybe not. Maybe you could talk to the people over the satellite, tell them you can't make it, but you'll sign it another day.
JOSH
I don't know. These are Russians. I don't handle well with Russians.
BOB
What do you mean?
JOSH
Well, the last time I met with Russians, I owed them money and they threatened to cut my legs off.
HARRY
Well, these guys aren't mafia so you have little to worry about. Just flatter them a little bit, talk about the weather, and then lay the big news on them. Tell them you can't sign it today due to a zombie attack.
JOSH
Zombie attack? Will they buy it?
HARRY
Sure they will. Just tell them Gregory Peck went on a violent killing spree.
BOB
It just might work.
JOSH
Well then. Let's get this sucker rolling.
INT. COFERENCE ROOM. NIGHT
JOSH IS SITTING IN THE EMPTY COFERENCE ROOM, A HUGE VIDEO SCREEN IN FRONT OF HIM. ANOTHER MAN SUDDENLY APPEARS ON THE SCREEN
RUSSIAN PRESIDENT
Ah, Mr.Matters. How are you today?
JOSH
I've never felt better. Especially after my coming back from the dead.
RUSSIAN PRESIDENT
That is good to hear. Now, since you are not here in Russia, I suspect you'd like to talk about the treaty signing.
JOSH
Yes. You see, I couldn't make it today because of a zombie attack.
RUSSIAN
Zombie?
JOSH
Yes. Gregory Peck rose from the grave and crashed his car into a tree.
RUSSIAN
My god. Your people must be horrified.
JOSH
Bingo. Which is why I am here.
RUSSIAN
Wait a minute...
JOSH
What?
RUSSIAN
If Gregory Peck rose from the grave...And then you came back to life...DEAR LORD, YOU'RE A ZOMBIE!
JOSH
What!? NO!
RUSSIAN
WHAT DO YOU WANT? MY BRAINS! IS THAT WHY YOU CALLED ME!? YOU WANT ME TO COME TO AMERICA SO YOU CAN EAT MY BRAINS!
JOSH
No, I'm not a zombie. I just...died and came back.
RUSSIAN
ZOMBIE!
THE SCREEN GOES BLACK AND JOSH IS LEFT ALONE IN THE ROOM
JOSH
I should've ate his brains.
INT. OVAL OFFICE. NIGHT
JOSH IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AND CAN SEE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE STANDING OUTSIDE, HOLDING FLAMING TORCHES AND SIGNS THAT READ "NO MORE UNDEAD PRESIDENTS!". BOB AND HARRY SIT BEHIND HIM, NERVOUSLY LOOKING AT EACH OTHER
JOSH
It's beautiful how the flaming torches light up the night. Reminds me of how much I'm being hated.
BOB
Don't worry. This is just a minor setback. We'll sort it all out tomorrow.
HARRY
By telling the truth.
JOSH
So you're going to tell them I'm not really Devon?
HARRY
We'll keep that secret. The Russians will only sign with 'Devon', no one else. We need you until that treaty becomes reality. We'll just tell them that we dug up Gregory Peck, and placed him in a flaming car.
JOSH
Great. I'm going to be here for awhile, and people already think I'm a grave-digging, party animal, famous actor-burning weirdo.
BOB
Part of it's true. Actually, all of it's true.
JOSH
Well yeah, but they're not supposed to know about it.
HARRY
You did invite everyone to that huge party last night. And you let them know about that.
JOSH
And I won't do that again. From now on, it's invitation only. And only a few thou will get invitations this time.
HARRY
That's just great.
JOSH
...So how long do you think they'll hate me for?
BOB
Hard to say. You did dig up a legendary actor, that won't help things.
HARRY
And the pope is passed out on the couch downstairs, possibly dead. We're too busy to check.
BOB
So I'd say, a day or two. Most Americans have really short memories these days. Most can't remember the President from last year.
JOSH
Something tells me they'll remember me as President...
A FLAMING ROCK IS THROWN THE WINDOW OF THE ROOM
FADE OUT
THE END
EPISODE 1: UNDEAD PRESIDENTS
WRITTEN BY SAMANDMAX
FADE IN
EXT. THE WHTIE HOUSE LAWN. DAY
PRESIDENT DEVON MATTERS IS SITTING ON THE FRONT LAWN, WEARING A T-SHIRT FOR THE STORE TARGET. HE'S DRINKING FROM A CAN OF 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHOOT ME' SODA. A BULLETPROOF VEST SITS NEXT TO HIS PICNIC BASKET
DEVON
Ah. What a nice relaxing day. One of those perfect days when you know you just won't get shot. Oh, I forgot to put on my bulletproof vest....Ah, I'm too lazy to move the three inches to get it.
TWO BODYGUARDS WALK UP
Bodyguard #1
Uh, Mr. Matters. Should you really be having a picnic on the front lawn? We got three tips yesterday that someone was going to try and kill you today, at this exact time.
DEVON
You guys worry too much. I'm the President of the United States of America, who'd want to hurt me! I'm the World's king. Now if you'll execuse me, It's time for my nap.
BODYGUARD #2
But sir-
DEVON
NO ONE DISTURBS ME WHEN IT'S NAP TIME! YOU'RE FIRED!
THE TWO BODYGUARDS BEGIN TO WALK AWAY. THE FIRED ONE BEGINS TO CRY.
DEVON
Sheesh. The people working here such a bunch of worrywarts. Don't they read the news? I mean, when was the last time you heard of a U.S President getting attacked?
THERE'S A GUNSHOT, AND A BULLET HITS THE PICNIC BASKET
DEVON
Those darn hunters. I guess I didn't wear a big enough target on my shirt, they can still see me!
A KNIFE FLIES PAST HIM AND LANDS IN THE GRASS
DEVON
And now they're throwing knives at me. When will those guys learn there's no hunting on my property. I really ought to put up a 'No Hunting' sign.
A FORK HITS DEVON IN THE FACE. HE STANDS UP SCREAMING, AND THEN FALLS OVER DEAD. WE ZOOM CLOSE ON HIS LIFELESS EYES.
FADE OUT
THE TITLE CREDITS PLAY
FADE IN
INT. DIRTY APARTMENT. DAY
WE'RE IN JOSH MATTERS DIRTY APARTMENT, DEVON MATTERS TWIN BROTHER. JOSH IS SITTING ON HIS COUCH, WEARING A BROWN PAPER BAG AS PANTS. THERE'S A KNOCKING AT THE DOOR, AND VICE-PRESIDENT HARRY POLLMAR WALKS IN.
JOSH
Whoa man! Like I told you last time at the White House, I have no idea how my urine got in that soup! Someone framed me!
HARRY
Relax Josh, I'm not here to deal with your bladder. I'm here to talk about your brother.
JOSH
What about him? He's dead.
HARRY
You don't sound too shocked.
JOSH
Nah. Life's too short to be sad. It's best just to take the sad moments in life, and push them in the back of your mind with alcohol and bananas.
HARRY
Uhh...ok. It's good to see you're handling it well.
JOSH
Hey, can you do me a favour? Could you go down to the supermarket, and get a plastic bag? I need a shirt to wear.
HARRY
Maybe later. We've got more important things to discuss, like your future.
JOSH
Hey man, I don't got a future. I go where I want to go, I do want I want to do.
HARRY
Is that why you wear grocery bags and live in filth?
JOSH
Yeah, basically. Plus I don't have a job.
HARRY
How do you pay for the apartment?
JOSH
Well, tecnically the apartment's not mine. It was closed off in 1982 due to a radioactive cockroach problem, and the landlord doesn't actually know I'm in here.
HARRY
Dear god.
JOSH
Yeah, I get that a lot.
HARRY
Well, enough talk of radioactive cockroaches. Let's get down to business.
JOSH
What do you want?
HARRY
I have an opportunity of a lifetime Josh, a chance for you to make something out of your life?
JOSH
You gonna give me some cheese?
HARRY
What? No. Something a million times better.
JOSH
Money and cheese?
HARRY
No. I was going to offer the presidency to you.
JOSH
Ha. Good one.
HARRY
I'm not joking Josh. We need you, and we need you desperately.
JOSH
I'm no politician. I can barely cross the street without the chance of dying a horrible, painful death.
HARRY
It's not about the politics. Here, let me explain. Before your brother was murdered, he was working on a huge peace treaty with other countries around the world, to be signed in Russia.
JOSH
Who needs peace when you've got guns.
HARRY
Uhhh.....yeah. But anyway, this peace treaty could possibly be the thing that stops war for the rest of our time. It needs to be done, but with your brother gone, it'll prove to be difficult. The other countries loved your brother, and will not sign with anyone else.
JOSH
How do I fit into all of this?
HARRY
Well...you do look an awfully lot like your brother...
JOSH
OH MY GOD! YOU WANT ME TO POSE NUDE AS MY BROTHER!
HARRY
What? No. I want you to pretend to be your brother, and sign that treaty.
JOSH
I HAVE TO SIGN THE TREATY IN THE NUDE!?
HARRY
No, no nudity is required.
JOSH
Damn.
HARRY
You'll pretend to be your brother, who magically came back to life after dying. We'll say Ghandi's ghost brought you back, that should impress people.
JOSH
Wait a minute...if someone killed my brother, wouldn't they try to kill me?
HARRY
Don't worry. We posted an extra 2 bodyguards.
JOSH
Oh. Ok, yeah I'll do it.
HARRY
Perfect. Let's head down there right now.
JOSH
Great. Let's go.
HARRY
But please, for the love of god, but some real pants on.
FADE OUT
INT. PRESS MEETING. NIGHT
JOSH IS STANDING AT THE PODIUM, WEARING A DIRTY WHITE SUIT THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS LAST WORN IN THE 70'S. A SIGN ON THE WALL BEHIND HIM READS "PRESIDENT MATTERS BACK WITH VENGEANCE".
JOSH
And then Satan charged at me with his pitchfork, screaming like a wild boar. I calmly stood there and said to him 'Looks like the devil's gonna get his due'.
THE PRESS CHEER WILDLY
JOSH
To make a long story short, I rode a rocket ship out of hell, and back onto Earth. That's why I'm alive again. Any questions?
A REPORTER RAISES HIS HAND
REPORTER
Uh Mr. President, how does it feel to be alive after being killed with a fork.
JOSH
Well, I'll tell you. My good old pal Ghandi's ghost explained it best when he said to me in heaven, "Hey, bro. If you ever go back to Earth, make sure to live it up a notch." So, I'm gonna live it up a notch!
JOSH PULLS A CAN OF BEER FROM UNDERNEATH THE PODIUM
JOSH
This baby's for you, Ghandi!
HE STABS A HOLE IN THE CAN WITH A PEN AND BEGINS CHUGGING IT. THE PRESS WATCH IN SILENT AWE.
JOSH
Woo! Yeah! HUGE PARTY AT THE WHITE HOUSE TONIGHT! TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS! NO FATTIES!
JOSH RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM SCREAMING. HARRY WALKS FROM THE SIDE OF THE STAGE, AND UP TO THE MICROPHONE
HARRY
Uhh....I should tell you, the fork hit his brain so he's not all there.
FADE OUT
ACT 2
FADE IN
INT. ENTRANCE OF THE WHITE HOUSE. DAY
JOSH WALKS INTO THE MAIN HALL OF THE WHITE HOUSE. HE'S WEARING A SHIRT THAT READS 'TOO HOT TO TOUCH!'. HARRY WALKS IN BEHIND HIM.
JOSH
Ah, it's good to be home.
HARRY
Well, don't get too comfortable. Once the treaty's signed, I'll take the reigns of the country.
JOSH
Hey, do you think it'd be alright if I put up a huge banner here for the party. Maybe have it say 'Welcome to Pary-a-Looza!"
HARRY
Uh, about the party. I don't think it'd be such a good idea.
JOSH
Why not? You're invited you know.
HARRY
Well, President's usually don't throw Party-a-Looza's.
JOSH
I'm a different kind of President. A president for the kickass generation!
HARRY
That's the problem. Most of the people who voted for your brother, were not part of this kickass generation. They're part of the 'Lead the World to a Better Place' kind of generation.
JOSH
See, that's the problem with the world. There's not enough partying, and drunken karoke singing.
THERE'S A LOUD HONKING FROM OUTSIDE
JOSH
That must be the Pope. I invited him too.
JOSH HEADS OUTSIDE
HARRY
God, please make sure by the end of the night, the white house is not in flames, or possibly flying away.
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
JOSH IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK IN THE OVAL OFFICE. HE HAS A LOOK OF COMPLETE SERIOUSNESS ON HIS FACE. HIS ADVISOR, BOB TUCKER, ENTERS.
BOB
Well, Harry told me that you're really Devon's brother. I guess that'd explain why the pope is drinking from a beer bong downstairs.
JOSH
Silence. You are in the presence of your god, me.
BOB
What?
JOSH
I SAID SILENCE!
JOSH BANGS A GAVEL ON HIS DESK
BOB
You know, only judge's use gavels.
JOSH
...Shut up.
THE DOORS TO THE OFFICE BURST OPEN, AND HARRY RUNS IN
HARRY
We've got an emergency! A representative from China is here, and he's mad!
JOSH
Bring him in. As supreme overload of awsomeness, I will deal with him.
HARRY
Josh, this is something maybe I should do. You have no experience in dealing with matters like these.
JOSH
Silence. Lead him in.
HARRY AND BOB GIVE EACH OTHER FRIGHTENED LOOKS, AND LEAVE THE OFFICE.
EXT. HALLWAY. DAY
BOB AND HARRY WALK INTO THE HALLWAY. THEY GREET THE REPRESENTATIVE, AND POINT TO THE OVAL OFFICE. HE ENTERS, AND SHUTS THE DOOR.
HARRY
So, when do you think China will launch the first attack?
BOB
I'd say in about eight minutes, maybe nine. As soon as the representative phones them.
HARRY
You know, maybe hiring a vastly unqualified loser to pretend to be the President wasn't such a good idea. Maybe we should've told the truth.
BOB
I still think we should've picked that drunken hobo. He had some good ideas.
THE DOOR OPENS TO THE OVAL OFFICE. THE CHINESE REPRESENTATIVE AND JOSH WALK OUT, JOSH'S ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDER
JOSH
Well, I'm sorry you guys are in debt, but hey, we're in some money problems too. But, I'll ship some ovaltine up to you guys. That stuff's so good, you'll forget all about the money.
REPRESENTATIVE
Ok, that sounds perfect.
JOSH
And hey, remember what I said. You guys need any help, maybe help you move or babysit, just call me, the D-Man. I can help you out.
REPRESENTATIVE
Alright, thank you very much.
BOB AND HARRY GIVE EACH OTHER HORRIFIED LOOKS AS THE REPRESENTATIVE WALKS PAST THEM
JOSH
I want you guys to get about 9000 boxes of Ovaltine send 'em over there, pronto. I can't believe it: that guy never had Ovaltine!
BOB
Uh...I find it disturbing that I'm saying this, but you handled that quite well.
JOSH
China wasn't looking for help, they just needed some false encouragement. Every few weeks I'll send them a card, and everything'll be fine.
JOSH'S SECRETARY, MARION BELL, WALKS INTO THE HALL
MARION
Mr. Matters, I was looking all over for you. You have a meeting right now with the rest of your team. They want to talk about your plans now that you've come back from the dead.
JOSH
Ok, tell them I'll be right there. Make up an execuse for why I was late, maybe tell them I shocked myself sticking a fork in a toaster.
MARIO NODS HER HEAD AND WALKS AWAY
BOB
Ok Josh, this could be a little tricky. These people still think you are your brother, and you have to make sure they still think that. Try not to say much, but if you have to talk, say something intelligent.
JOSH
Ok, gotcha.
BOB
And please, that ovaltine trick might've fooled China, but it won't work on these guys.
HARRY
Remember, you're the president of the United States: You have to act smart.
JOSH
Act smart...I can do that...but I'll need a few props first...
HARRY
Props?
JOSH
Yeah. If I want to act smart, I have to look smart. Get into the role.
BOB
...Fine, but hurry up.
JOSH
Hehehe, this'll be great.
JOSH RUNS DOWN THE HALL, EXCITED
HARRY
Why'd you let him wear props? He's probably going to come in wearing a Spiderman costume, playing a banjo.
BOB
Spiderman playing a banjo? He's not that dumb. He'll probably just wear a monocle or a fake scar, something small.
INT. MEETING ROOM. DAY
A GROUP OF OLDER MEN SIT AROUND A TABLE, QUIETLY TALKING AMONGST THEMSELVES. BOB AND HARRY ENTER AND SIT DOWN AT THEIR SPOTS
BOB
Devon will be here right away, he had to deal with a pressing issue.
HARRY
Yes he...accidently stuck...a fork...in the toaster.
THE MEN NOD THER HEAD IN AGREEMENT AS IF THEY ALL HAD THE SAME ACCIDENT BEFORE. THE DOOR TO THE ROOM OPENS AND JOSH ENTERS WEARING A SPIDERMAN COSTUME AND HOLDING A BANJO IN HIS HANDS
JOSH
Woo! Who's ready to rock!
ALL THE MEN GASP IN HORROR AS THEY SEE HIM. ONE OF THE MEN RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM SCREAMING
HARRY
JOS-, I mean DEVON! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!
BOB
This is highly irregular!
JOSH
What? You said I should dress up for the meeting! And these were the only props I could find.
ONE OF THE MEN SITTING AT THE TABLE, LYLE PETERSON, RAISES HIS HAND
LYLE
Uh, I have a question.
JOSH
Yes?
LYLE
What the hell is going on?
JOSH
...Hey, do you like ovaltine?
HARRY
Ahahaha, just ignore him, he's pretending to be retarded.
LYLE
Hey Bob, can I talk to you over here.
BOB
Sure.
THE TWO MEN WALK TO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM
LYLE
What's going on with Devon? First he drinks beer at a press conference, and now he comes into a meeting dressed up as spiderman.
BOB
Well...I didn't want to say anything but...Devon's got brain AIDS...
LYLE
What!?
BOB
He's got AIDS, in his brain. It causes him to think funny.
LYLE
I never heard of Brain AIDS before.
BOB
It was just discovered yesterday...by Dr...
HE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM. HE SEES DEVON WEARING HIS SPIDERMAN COSTUME, STILL HOLDING THE BANJO
BOB
Dr. Spiderbanjo. He discovered it yesterday. And Devon has it.
LYLE
Uh...Ok...
BOB
It's true, trust me. I met Dr. Spider yesterday, he confirmed it.
LYLE
Dr. Spider? I thought you said his name was Spiderbanjo.
BOB
....No.
LYLE
Yes you did. You said he was Spiderbanjo, I clearly heard you.
BOB
No, no. His name is Dr. Spider, and he plays a banjo.
LYLE
Why would you tell me he plays a banjo? Why would I care?
BOB
I...Ah....I forgot to lock the door to my car.
BOB RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM QUICKLY. LYLE LOOKS CONFUSED, BUT WALKS BACK TO THE REST OF THE MEN IN THE ROOM
LYLE
Uh...Devon, I just heard about your condition, and I just came to say I'm sorry.
JOSH
What?
LYLE
You know...the brain AIDS...
JOSH LOOKS CONFUSED, BUT THEN SEES BOB LOOKING IN FROM THE WINDOW BEHIND LYLE, TELLING HIM TO NOD
JOSH
Oh right...the brain AIDS...how could I forget...nasty business that
LYLE
So uh, I'll make sure to tell everyone to be real nice to you, because hey, I think we all know a little bit about what it's like to have AIDS.
JOSH
You do that.
LYLE TURNS AROUND AND FACES THE REST OF THE MEN AT THE MEETING
LYLE
I have a big announcement. Ahem. Devon has brain AIDS.
THE ROOM GOES SILENT
LYLE
So, since tomorrow's the big day when Devon's going to speak to the whole country about him coming back from the dead, I think we should also get Dr. Spider down here to make a statement about Devon's brain AIDS.
BOB SCREAMS FROM OUTSIDE AND SMASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW. EVERYONE WATCHES SILENTLY AS HE STANDS UP AND DUSTS THE GLASS OFF HIS CLOTHES
BOB
Ahem. I don't think we should get Dr.Spider to talk. It might not be the best idea.
LYLE
I think it's a great idea. It'll create even more sympathy for Devon, because everyone will feel sorry for someone who has brain AIDS.
BOB
But...what if we can't get Dr. Spider to come?
LYLE
Don't worry. We're the US Government, we can legally make anyone do anything. Remember that time we got Denis Franz to take on the entire Russian Army?
EVERYONE LAUGHS
BOB
Ok...but I'll contact Dr. Spider. He'll only talk to me.
LYLE
Fine. But make sure he's there tomorrow, this is going to be a historic event!
BOB
Don't worry. He'll be there.
BOB LOOKS TOWARDS JOSH AND HARRY WITH A LOOK OF WORRY
INT. OVAL OFFICE. NIGHT
JOSH SITS AT HIS DESK WHILE BOB AND HARRY PACE AROUND IN FRONT OF IT
BOB
Maybe we tell them Dr. Spider was really a crazed escaped mental patient, and Josh really doesn't have brain AIDS.
JOSH
No. These guys won't believe it. I have to have brain AIDS tomorrow.
HARRY
Ok...what if we say Dr. Spider died in a horrible car crash?
BOB
No, because then they'll want proof.
HARRY
Well, maybe we could murder someone and stick their body in a flaming car?
BOB
We don't want to kill anyone...unless of course it's necessary.
HARRY
...Then why not use a dead body?
BOB
That could work.
JOSH
I don't know guys. We've been making up all of these lies and fake people, maybe we should just start telling the truth?
EXT. GRAVEYARD. NIGHT
WE SEE THE THREE MEN STANDING IN A HOLE NEAR A GRAVE, DIGGING UP A COFFIN
HARRY
Oh man, we're geniuses. If we pull this off, everything will be in the clear.
BOB
What if they run tests on the corpse, and find out it's not Dr. Spider?
HARRY
Don't worry. We'll smash the dead body's teeth out. Then they won't be able to check his dental records.
BOB
Excellent.
BOB AND HARRY HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER
JOSH
By the way, who are we digging up?
HARRY
Gregory Peck.
JOSH
Now no one can tell me I don't have Gregory Peck's dead body.
THEY ALL LAUGH AS THEY CONTINUE DIGGING
FADE OUT
ACT 3
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
JOSH SITS BEHIND HIS DESK, PLAYING A GAMEBOY. HARRY AND BOB SIT IN FRONT OF THE BIG SCREEN TV WHICH IS USUALLY HIDDEN BEHIND A FAKE BOOKCASE
JOSH (TURNING OFF THE GAMEBOY)
I never would've have thought this room had a TV in it.
BOB
There's a bunch of hidden stuff in here. You know, that window behind you isn't real, it's actually a secret doorway that leads to the Presidential Spa.
HARRY
And that desk transforms into a ping pong table/airhockey board.
JOSH
Wow. Presidents don't do anything.
HARRY
No, not really.
BOB
Wait, it's on!
ON THE TV, THEY SHOW A REPORTER STANDING IN FRONT OF A FLAMING CAR WRECKAGE.
REPORTER
I'm here on Walnut street, where it seems there's been a horrible car accident. No details have been released yet, except the police say that there was a car involved, and a crash. More on that tonight at 11. But up next, we tell you about a new breed of sheep being trained to kill you while you sleep. Ba-Ba-Deadly.
WE CUT BACK TO THE GUYS WATCHING TV
HARRY
Excellent. Now, Josh you release a statement saying that you think the victim was Dr. Spider.
BOB
Our plan is falling together like dominos.
JOSH
You know, this horrible web of lies we created might actually work.
HARRY
People are always saying bad things about lying, but you know, it works better than telling the truth.
MARION WALKS INTO THE ROOM
MARION
Ok Devon. They're ready for you out there.
JOSH
Well gentlemen, my fans await.
JOSH AND MARIO EXIT THE ROOM
EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN. DAY
JOSH WALKS THROUGH THE FRONT DOORS, TO THE APPLAUSE OF THE CROWD. CAMERAS ARE LINED UP ALL AROUND HIM, READY TO FILM HIS BIG SPEECH. HE WALKS UP THE PODIUM.
JOSH
My fellow Americans. I was originally supposed to come up here, and introduce a friend of mine, Dr. Spi-
SOMEONE IN THE CROWD SCREAMS BEFORE HE CAN CONTINUE. IT'S A WOMAN WATCHING A MINIATURE TV, THE SAME NEWS CHANNEL FROM BEFORE
WOMAN
THEY JUST FOUND OUT THAT IT WAS GREGORY PECK DRIVING THE CAR THAT CRASHED!
REPORTER
But he's dead!?
WOMAN
THE DEAD ARE COMING ALIVE!
THE LARGE CROWD OF PEOPLE BEGIN SCREAMING AND RUNNING AWAY FROM THE LAWN
JOSH
People...People please, I'm sure it's all a big misunderstanding.
LYLE RUNS UP TO THE PRESIDENT, A SHARP STICK IN HIS HANDS
LYLE
Devon, you've to get to the copter! Take this stick, you can use it to defend yourself from any zombies!
JOSH
I don't think there are zombies.
LYLE
Get out of here! I'll distract the zombies with my huge juicy brains!
LYLE LEAPS INTO THE HUGE CROWD AND STARTS ATTACKING RANDOM PEOPLE. JOSH LOOKS INTO THE CROWD, EVERYONE IS ATTACKING EACH OTHER AND RACING FOR THE EXITS
FADE OUT
INT. OVAL OFFICE. NIGHT
JOSH SITS AT HIS DESK WITH A TIRED LOOK ON HIS FACE. BOB AND HARY SIT WATCHING THE TV, WHICH DEPICTS THE HYSTERIA
JOSH
You know, I learned something from all of this. If you're going to fake a death, you have to do it right.
BOB
And we definetely didn't do it right.
HARRY
No. No we didn't.
JOSH
But enough of this. Let's party!
HARRY
No more partying. The pope's still passed out on the couch downstairs from yesterday.
JOSH
Well then what can I do. Being president blows. You gotta talk a lot, and you sit all day. I wish I was a communist, then I wouldn't have to go through all of this.
HARRY
Well, you won't be here for long. You'll just sign the treaty, and I'll take ov...WAIT A MINUTE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SIGN THE TREATY TODAY!
BOB
OH CRAP! IT'S IN HALF AN HOUR!
JOSH
Don't panic. We can still make it in time.
BOB
THE SIGNING'S IN RUSSIA! I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET TO RUSSIA IN HALF AN HOUR!
JOSH
Well then, we're screwed.
HARRY
Maybe not. Maybe you could talk to the people over the satellite, tell them you can't make it, but you'll sign it another day.
JOSH
I don't know. These are Russians. I don't handle well with Russians.
BOB
What do you mean?
JOSH
Well, the last time I met with Russians, I owed them money and they threatened to cut my legs off.
HARRY
Well, these guys aren't mafia so you have little to worry about. Just flatter them a little bit, talk about the weather, and then lay the big news on them. Tell them you can't sign it today due to a zombie attack.
JOSH
Zombie attack? Will they buy it?
HARRY
Sure they will. Just tell them Gregory Peck went on a violent killing spree.
BOB
It just might work.
JOSH
Well then. Let's get this sucker rolling.
INT. COFERENCE ROOM. NIGHT
JOSH IS SITTING IN THE EMPTY COFERENCE ROOM, A HUGE VIDEO SCREEN IN FRONT OF HIM. ANOTHER MAN SUDDENLY APPEARS ON THE SCREEN
RUSSIAN PRESIDENT
Ah, Mr.Matters. How are you today?
JOSH
I've never felt better. Especially after my coming back from the dead.
RUSSIAN PRESIDENT
That is good to hear. Now, since you are not here in Russia, I suspect you'd like to talk about the treaty signing.
JOSH
Yes. You see, I couldn't make it today because of a zombie attack.
RUSSIAN
Zombie?
JOSH
Yes. Gregory Peck rose from the grave and crashed his car into a tree.
RUSSIAN
My god. Your people must be horrified.
JOSH
Bingo. Which is why I am here.
RUSSIAN
Wait a minute...
JOSH
What?
RUSSIAN
If Gregory Peck rose from the grave...And then you came back to life...DEAR LORD, YOU'RE A ZOMBIE!
JOSH
What!? NO!
RUSSIAN
WHAT DO YOU WANT? MY BRAINS! IS THAT WHY YOU CALLED ME!? YOU WANT ME TO COME TO AMERICA SO YOU CAN EAT MY BRAINS!
JOSH
No, I'm not a zombie. I just...died and came back.
RUSSIAN
ZOMBIE!
THE SCREEN GOES BLACK AND JOSH IS LEFT ALONE IN THE ROOM
JOSH
I should've ate his brains.
INT. OVAL OFFICE. NIGHT
JOSH IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AND CAN SEE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE STANDING OUTSIDE, HOLDING FLAMING TORCHES AND SIGNS THAT READ "NO MORE UNDEAD PRESIDENTS!". BOB AND HARRY SIT BEHIND HIM, NERVOUSLY LOOKING AT EACH OTHER
JOSH
It's beautiful how the flaming torches light up the night. Reminds me of how much I'm being hated.
BOB
Don't worry. This is just a minor setback. We'll sort it all out tomorrow.
HARRY
By telling the truth.
JOSH
So you're going to tell them I'm not really Devon?
HARRY
We'll keep that secret. The Russians will only sign with 'Devon', no one else. We need you until that treaty becomes reality. We'll just tell them that we dug up Gregory Peck, and placed him in a flaming car.
JOSH
Great. I'm going to be here for awhile, and people already think I'm a grave-digging, party animal, famous actor-burning weirdo.
BOB
Part of it's true. Actually, all of it's true.
JOSH
Well yeah, but they're not supposed to know about it.
HARRY
You did invite everyone to that huge party last night. And you let them know about that.
JOSH
And I won't do that again. From now on, it's invitation only. And only a few thou will get invitations this time.
HARRY
That's just great.
JOSH
...So how long do you think they'll hate me for?
BOB
Hard to say. You did dig up a legendary actor, that won't help things.
HARRY
And the pope is passed out on the couch downstairs, possibly dead. We're too busy to check.
BOB
So I'd say, a day or two. Most Americans have really short memories these days. Most can't remember the President from last year.
JOSH
Something tells me they'll remember me as President...
A FLAMING ROCK IS THROWN THE WINDOW OF THE ROOM
FADE OUT
THE END