EPISODE 3: SCOOBY DOO WAS RETARDED
FADE IN
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
JOSH IS WATCHING AN EPISODE OF 'SCOOBY DOO', HARRY IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM
JOSH
Hey, I just noticed something.
HARRY
What?
JOSH
Whenever you see Scrappy Doo, he always talks normal, like a human. But whenever Scooby Doo talks, he's like 'Rooby Roo', or 'Rey Raggy!'.
HARRY
So?
JOSH
Does that mean Scooby Doo was retarded?
HARRY
Hmm...I don't know. Maybe he is.
JOSH
That shatters my whole perspective of Scooby Doo. I can't watch this anymore.
HARRY
What? It's just a kid's show. You're not supposed to take it seriously.
JOSH
I'm sorry, but this is too much for me. I'm contacting the CIA, this demands an investigation.
HARRY
Oh dear lord.
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS. NIGHT
JOSH IS SITTING IN A DARKENED ROOM WITH CIA LEADER MARCUS COWLER.
MARCUS
I had to cancel my vacation because of this. It'd better be important.
JOSH
It's very important. Possibly the most important thing we'll ever face.
MARCUS
My god. What is it?
JOSH
...It's hard for me to say, it's just so shocking...
MARCUS
Please, tell me. I must know!
JOSH
Scooby Doo...was retarded.
MARCUS
No...it can't be!?
JOSH
It's true. I had a team of 80 scientists prove it. Scooby Doo is officially retarded.
MARCUS
My god...this changes everything!
JOSH
I know.
MARCUS
What can we do?
JOSH
I don't know, but it has to be drastic.
MARCUS
I'll send all my top agents into the cartoon studios. They'll find out what's going on.
JOSH
Excellent. I look forward to hearing the report.
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
IT'S ONE WEEK LATER. JOSH IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK, PLAYING "ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS" BY HIMSELF
JOSH
Hahaha, come on blue, fight back! Oh, you want a piece of me red? Come and get it. Shut the hell up you damn commie, I'll knock your block off!
BOB WALKS INTO THE ROOM
JOSH
Hahaha, don't ever mess with red again, bastard.
BOB
Who are you talking to?
JOSH
My toy.
BOB
Uh....Marion's back. She got released from the Argentian Prison due to good behaviour.
JOSH
That's good.
BOB
But, there's a slight problem...
JOSH
Ok, that's not good.
MARION WALKS INTO THE ROOM, HER LEFT ARM A BLOODY STUMP
MARION
Hi.
JOSH SEES HER ARM IS MISSING AND THROWS UP ON HIS DESK
JOSH
Holy crap!
MARION
Oh don't worry, it's not as bad as it seems.
JOSH
How come you didn't stop the bleeding before you came here?
MARION
Oh, that's not blood. It's pus.
JOSH THROWS UP ON HIS DESK AGAIN
JOSH
Please, let's talk about something else.
MARION
Well...I got you tickets to the Carrot Top show next week.
JOSH THROWS UP ON HIS DESK ONCE MORE
JOSH
I think you should just leave and get to work.
MARION
Alright. But I'll tell you now, I have to wear a fake arm with a hook on it, so whenever I give you a report, it'll be all cut up from the hook.
JOSH
Uh...yeah ok.
MARION
And the report will probably be covered in pus.
JOSH THROWS UP ON HIS DESK ONE FINAL TIME
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS. NIGHT
MARCUS AND JOSH SIT IN THE DARKENED ROOM, A FILE MARKED "PROJECT DOO" IS ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM
JOSH
So, what have you found out?
MARCUS
It's worse than we thought.
JOSH
What do you mean?
MARCUS
Well...We think that when kids watch Scooby Doo, they become retarded.
JOSH
I see...
MARCUS
We believe that anyone handicapped in the past 30 years, watched an episode of Scooby Doo, which caused them to turn.
JOSH
Dear god. Scooby Doo is horrible.
MARCUS
We're planning to shut down the show tonight. We want you to have a press conference, let the world know what Scooby Doo has done to our kids.
JOSH
If Scooby Doo caused this much problems, imagine what other cartoons are doing to our kids! Maybe Yogi Bear has caused hundreds of bear maulings! Donald and Daffy has caused kids to speak with speech impediments! Stuttering's not in the genes, it's caused by Porky Pig!
MARCUS
This is a massive conspiracy! The cartoon people have been ruining the future of our kids for 100 hundred years!
JOSH
It's time to take down the cartoon industry...and this time, it's personal.
MARCUS
Wow. That was a good line.
JOSH
I know. I've been practicing it for awhile. It's my action movie line. Like say we get attacked by a Russian Sub. I'll kill the leader, and scream out 'It's time to take down Russia...and this time, it's personal.'
MARCUS
You know, you could become an action movie star with lines like that.
JOSH
Really?
MARCUS
Oh yeah. You know, Bill Clinton wanted to be an action star. He had a great line too, 'It's time to take you down...you dummy.'
JOSH
Maybe I should try out for an action movie. I can play a cop, whose partner is killed, and I have to take down the Yakuza. We can call it 'Bulletproof Badge'.
MARCUS
I'd watch it. It sounds good.
JOSH
Then it's settled. I'll become an action star!
MARCUS
What about the cartoons?
JOSH
Oh yeah, and I'll take those down too.
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE. NIGHT
JOSH IS STANDING AT HIS PODIUM, A SIGN BEHIND HIM READS "SCOOBY DOO WAS RETARDED- AND NOW YOU ARE TOO!"
JOSH
Do you see that sign behind me? Do you know why it says that? Because Scooby Doo has been turning kids into retards for years, and it's gone unnoticed! It's time to strike back against these evil cartoons, and make TV wholesome again! On a lighter note, I'm becoming an action movie star.
A REPORTER RAISES HIS HAND
REPORTER
Uh...Shouldn't you be talking about evil cartoons, instead of your action movie career?
JOSH
Ahahaha, no. I hope you die. Anymore questions?
NEWSCASTER
Is Scooby Doo really so evil, that we can blame him on our kids problems?
JOSH
Yes, absolutely. That's all for this speech, keep rocking in the free world!
'KEEP ON ROCKING IN THE FREE WORLD' PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AS JOSH WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM
ACT 2
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
JOSH IS TYPING AT HIS TYPEWRITER, WORKING ON HIS ONE LINERS FOR HIS ACTION MOVIE. MARION WALKS INTO THE ROOM, WEARING HER HOOK ARM
JOSH
Please, don't disturb me. I'm trying to write some witty one liners.
MARION
Uh...Casey Kasem is here.
JOSH
Casey Kasem? Isn't he dead?
MARION
No. And he's here.
CASEY STORMS INTO THE ROOM, A GUN IN HIS HANDS
CASY
Oh you motherf***er. I've been doing the f***ing voice for f***ing Shaggy for 30 f***ing years, and then you get the show shut down.
JOSH
Calm down Casey. Scooby Doo was evil.
CASEY
Of course he was evil. The show was created to create an army of the retarded.
JOSH
What!?
CASEY
Richard Nixon wanted us to create a show that could create an army of the retarded, which he could control. When he was impeached, everyone pretended that the plan never existed, and continued to make the show.
JOSH
Dear god! How come no one stopped it.
CASEY
Don't you understand? This army is still growing! And only I, Casey Kasem can control them! I will get the retarded to rise, and take over the world!
JOSH
Dammit, I knew you were evil!
CASEY
Of course. No one knows my real name is...Casey Hitler!
CASEY REVEALS HE HAS A MUSTACHE LIKE HITLER
CASEY
Now, I order you to put Scooby Doo back on the air!
JOSH
Oh yeah? What can you do about.
CASEY
I have 9,000 retards surrounding this building, all waiting for my command. If you don't put it on, I'll take down the entire country!
JOSH
I should've known you'd try to take over the world with an army of the retarded, Casey. It's so predictable.
CASEY
The time for conversation is over. Call the networks, Scooby Doo must return!
JOSH GRABS HIS TYPEWRITER, AND THROWS IT AT CASEY. CASEY FALLS BACKWARDS, DEAD
JOSH
Looks like you're typing a story...of death!
MARION CLAPS AT HIS ONE LINER
JOSH
Thanks. I've been working on that line for hours.
MARION
What should I do with Casey's corpse? Throw it in the river?
JOSH
Yes. And tie meat to him, so the fish eat him.
MARION
Right away.
JOSH
Heheh. Good times.
INT. NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT'S HOUSE. DAY
THE NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT IS SITTING ON HIS COUCH WATCHING AN EPISODE OF 'HOGANS HEROES'
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
Haha. Hogan, will you ever learn. The nazi's always win.
HIS SERVANT WALKS IN CARRYING A PHONE
SERVANT
Sir, telephone call.
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT (ON THE PHONE)
Hello...No...NO!...Casey Hitler!...I see, thank you for telling me this.
SERVANT
If you don't mind me asking sir, but who was it?
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
It was one of my men. It seems Casey Hitler has been assasinated, and project 'Retard Army' is currently on hold.
SERVANT
Oh my. What do you plan to do?
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
We're going to gain control of the army, and take over the USA! But first, I want to finish watching Hogans Heroes.
INT. MOVIE STUDIO. NIGHT
LATER THAT EVENING, JOSH IS MEETING WITH STEVEN SPIELBERG, TO DISCUSS HIS MOVIE
JOSH
And so, I grab the sword, and I cut this guy in half. Then I say, 'Looks like you got slip personalitys."
STEVEN
Wow. That's good. Steven Seagal good.
JOSH
Phh. Steven Seagal coudln't think of a one liner to save his life.
STEVEN
I usually don't do movies like this, but your idea really speaks to me. Go into more detail about what it's about.
JOSH
I'll play a retired cop who runs for President, and wins the election. My vice-president is captured by Russians, and they clone him. This evil clone is sent to kill me, and I have to stop him and the Russians to save the country. It's called "Hail to the Chief".
STEVEN
Amazing. Simply amazing.
JOSH
And I'll have a street tough, trash talking sidekick called 'Thugs'. He'll follow me around, making funny wisecracks like 'You so crazy!' and 'Don't mess wit' me again'.
STEVEN
That makes it even better. Mr. President, you've got yourself a deal. Let's make this movie. We can film it in Canada next month.
JOSH
Canada?
STEVEN
Yes. It's much cheaper. And besides, who wants to stay in crummy USA when you can go to the great Canada!
JOSH
Yeah, this place blows!
ONE MONTH LATER...
INT. FILM SET. DAY
THE SET OF THE FILM IS CROWDED WITH PEOPLE MARCHING BACK AND FORTH WITH DIFFERENT ITEMS FOR THE MOVIE. JOSH AND STEVEN SIT ON THEIR CHAIRS NEAR THE BACK, WATCHING THE MAYHEM AROUND THEM
STEVEN
And so I said to George Lucas, "Your movies are too good. You never make crappy ones."
JOSH
Wow. So 'The Phantom Menace' and 'Attack of the Clones' were made to be horrible.
STEVEN
Yep. And Star Wars was written in 40 minutes on the back of a napkin. He made it as a joke, and people liked it!
JOSH
But that's enough pretending to be interested in your life. Let's talk about the movie.
STEVEN
Well, we're doing good so far. We've got about 3 more months of shooting, and then we'll edit this together.
ANTHONY HOPKINS WALKS UP TO THEM
ANTHONY
Uh, I wanted to ask something about my character, 'Thugs'. When I say 'Yo bitch, wassup?', am I supposed to make an obscene gesture with my finger?
JOSH
Yes.
ANTHONY
You know, I was knighted by the Queen. Why am I playing a character called 'Thugs'.
JOSH
Because you are. Shut up and get back to work.
ANTHONY
Yes sir.
ANTHONY WALKS OFF CRYING
STEVEN
What a maroon.
ANTHONY
I heard that!
SIX MONTHS LATER...
EXT. OUTSIDE THEATRE. NIGHT
JOSH AND STEVEN ARE WALKING DOWN THE RED CARPET TO THE THEATRE SHOWING THE PREMIERE OF THEIR MOVIE, "HAIL TO THE CHIEF". HUNDREDS OF REPORTS SNAP PHOTOS AND SCREAM OUT QUESTIONS
REPORTER
Is it true you spend $800 million dollars on the movie?
STEVEN
Aha. No, it was much more.
JOSH
Probably about 2 billion dolllars.
STEVEN
And that's not counting the 3 billion I spent on buying a cowboy hat for the one scene.
REPORTER
Is it true Casey Kasem was a neo-nazi scumbag who was using Scooby Doo to create an army of retards to take over the world?
JOSH
Uh...no. Where would you hear such a crazy rumour like that?
REPORTER
You told me it.
JOSH
Oh. Well I was drunk.
JOSH AND STEVEN ENTER THE THEATRE
INT. MOVIE THEATRE. NIGHT
JOSH IS SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW NEXT TO STEVEN. STEVEN GETS UP ON THE STAGE TO MAKE SHORT SPEECH BEFORE THE MOVIE BEGINS
STEVEN
Uh, thanks everybody for coming. "Hail to the Chief" is probably the best movie I've ever made. It's really wicked awsome, and I think you should all enjoy it. I must warn you now, the movie's extremely violent, so violent that 3 people actually died from watching it. Just kidding. Only 2 people died.
THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS
STEVEN
So, without further ado, it's time to Hail to the Chief!
STEVEN SITS BACK DOWN. THE SCREEN LIGHTS UP, REVEALING THE AMERICAN FLAG. BLOOD BEGINS TO DRIP DOWN ON THE FLAG, SPELLING OUT "HAIL TO THE CHIEF". WE SEE THE OVAL OFFICE, JOSH IS SITTING BEHIND IT.
JOSH (IN THE MOVIE)
I can't believe I'm President. This is so cool.
A BOMB FLIES THROUGH THE WINDOW OF THE OFFICE, JOSH LEAPS TO THE GROUND AND PICKS IT UP
JOSH (IN THE MOVIE)
Looks like someone was littering. Time to teach them a lesson in recycling...a deadly lesson!
HE THROWS THE BOMB THROUGH THE WINDOW, CAUSING THE FRONT LAWN OF THE WHITE HOUSE TO EXPLODE
JOSH (IN THE THEATRE)
Wow. The surround sound really lets you hear the individual blades of grass being blown up.
STEVEN
I know. It's really awsoneatacular.
JOSH
Awsoneatacular? What the hell is that?
STEVEN
A word I made up. Combination of Awsome, Neat and Spectacular.
JOSH
Wow. That word's pretty awsoneatacular.
THE NEXT DAY...
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
JOSH IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK, WRITING A REPORT ON "HOW TO KICK ASS". BOB AND HARRY WALK INTO THE ROOM, ANGRY LOOKS ON THEIR FACES
HARRY
We've got a major problem Josh.
JOSH
What? Did someone steal my car?
BOB
No. An army of Retards have been spotted in Kentucky.
HARRY
The invasion has begun.
JOSH
Don't panic. We can sort this out.
BOB
They've already destroyed California.
HARRY
And North Dakota is supposedly 'All Whacked Out'.
JOSH
Hmm...The neo-nazi's must be controlling them. We'll have to track them down, and stop them.
BOB
You know, I just happen to have a new device here. It manages to follow signals giving off machines that control retards.
JOSH
No, that won't help us.
BOB
Yeah, I'll just throw in the trash.
HARRY
I guess we're screwed then. Soon the Neo-nazi retards will have the country.
JOSH
Well then...let's get out of here. Find a new country to run. I'll be President, because I'm so cool.
BOB
I call vice-president!
HARRY
Crap. I guess I'll be Co-Vice President.
JOSH
Let's get outta here!
ACT 3
INT. DESERT ISLAND. DAY
BOB, HARRY AND JOSH ARE SITTING ON A DESERT ISLAND. A CRASHED PLANE CAN BE SEEN BEHIND THEM
JOSH
Let's never speak of the plane ride again.
BOB
Agreed.
HARRY
So...now what?
JOSH
Well, we start building a city. I'll be consultant, so you guys just come talk to me when you need help while building. I'll just go sit on that rock under the shade.
BOB
That's not fair.
JOSH
Hey, starting a new country isn't easy, you need a consultant.
HARRY
What are we calling this country anyway?
JOSH
Awsoneatacular. That's what it's called.
BOB
Pretty good name. You're a good consultant.
JOSH
Yeah. So get building!
INT. CUBA. NIGHT
MEANWHILE, IN CUBA. FIDEL CASTRO HAS JUST FINISHED WATCHING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF". A TEAR RUNS DOWN HIS CHEEK
FIDEL
No movie has ever touched me that way before. Get me President Matters, I want to speak to him. Maybe the US and Cuba can become allies.
INT. SMALL SHACK. NIGHT
BACK ON THE ISLAND, JOSH, HARRY AND BOB ARE SITTING AROUND IN THEIR SMALL SHACK MADE OF BAMBOO.
JOSH
I wonder how the US is doing. Probably sank into the Ocean.
HARRY
Good riddance. Our country will be so much more cool.
BOB
Yeah!
JOSH
Plus, we'll have like a population of 900 billion, so we'd be so big, they'd have to give us like 8 planets.
HARRY
Wait a minute...how do we get a bigger population, there's no women here?
JOSH
Don't worry. They'll come. No woman could resist three men with government jobs on a deserted island.
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
THE NEXT DAY, FIDEL CASTRO ARRIVES AT THE EMPTY OVAL OFFICE. HE'S CARRYING BANANA BREAD IN HIS ARMS
FIDEL
Hello? Anybody home? I brought some banana bread?
HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AND SEES THE RETARD ARMY ATTACKING
FIDEL
Holy cigar smoking baby. This isn't good.
THE NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT BURSTS INTO THE ROOM
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
Ah, my new office....Hey, what are you doing here?
FIDEL
What are you doing here!?
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
I asked you first!
FIDEL
No way, I asked you first!
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
No!
FIDEL
Yes!
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
No!
FIDEL
Yes!
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
No!
Fidel
No!
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
Yes!
FIDEL
Ha, I got you! You have to tell me why you are here!
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
Damn you. Well if you must now. I've taken over the US with an army of the retarded.
FIDEL
Ha. You don't know the side effects, do you?
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
What side effects?
FIDEL
I tried making an army of the retarded too. But you know, eventually they just go off and do their own thing. Maybe talk to their socks, or complain that their shoes hurt.
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
No! It can't be!
FIDEL
It's true. Right now, they're probably realising they want to watch cartoons, and eat frozen fries.
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
I should've known Casey Kasem couldn't think of a good plan. He's such a retard. Well, I guess my days are over. Might as well let the US go back to normal.
FIDEL
Hey, did you see Hail to the Chief?
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
No. But I heard the reviews were excellent.
FIDEL
Then let's go. It's awsoneatacular.
THEY LEAVE THE ROOM WITH THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHERS SHOULDERS
EXT. DESERT ISLAND. NIGHT
IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS. BOB IS DEAD ON THE GROUND, HIS BODY HALF EATEN. JOSH AND HARRY NERVOUSLY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHARP SPEARS IN EACH OTHER'S HANDS
JOSH
Y-You're not eating me!
HARRY
Shut up and die!
JOSH
No, you die!
HARRY
Not until you die first.
JOSH
Ok. How about I kinda die, and then you kinda die. And then we both die at the same time.
HARRY
Deal!
THEY BOTH STAND THERE, CONTINUING TO STARE AT EACH OTHER
JOSH
I'm waiting for you to half die.
HARRY
No. You half die first.
JOSH FALLS TO THE GROUND, HALF DEAD. HARRY FALLS HALF DEAD RIGHT AFTER
JOSH
Ok. Now you fully die.
HARRY
No. You fully die.
JOSH
No way!
THEY CONTINUE TO FIGHT AS A VOICEOVER SPEAKS OVER THEIR YELLING
VOICEOVER
On June 17, Harry Pollmar and Josh Matters died of starvation.
THE END
FADE IN
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
JOSH IS WATCHING AN EPISODE OF 'SCOOBY DOO', HARRY IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM
JOSH
Hey, I just noticed something.
HARRY
What?
JOSH
Whenever you see Scrappy Doo, he always talks normal, like a human. But whenever Scooby Doo talks, he's like 'Rooby Roo', or 'Rey Raggy!'.
HARRY
So?
JOSH
Does that mean Scooby Doo was retarded?
HARRY
Hmm...I don't know. Maybe he is.
JOSH
That shatters my whole perspective of Scooby Doo. I can't watch this anymore.
HARRY
What? It's just a kid's show. You're not supposed to take it seriously.
JOSH
I'm sorry, but this is too much for me. I'm contacting the CIA, this demands an investigation.
HARRY
Oh dear lord.
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS. NIGHT
JOSH IS SITTING IN A DARKENED ROOM WITH CIA LEADER MARCUS COWLER.
MARCUS
I had to cancel my vacation because of this. It'd better be important.
JOSH
It's very important. Possibly the most important thing we'll ever face.
MARCUS
My god. What is it?
JOSH
...It's hard for me to say, it's just so shocking...
MARCUS
Please, tell me. I must know!
JOSH
Scooby Doo...was retarded.
MARCUS
No...it can't be!?
JOSH
It's true. I had a team of 80 scientists prove it. Scooby Doo is officially retarded.
MARCUS
My god...this changes everything!
JOSH
I know.
MARCUS
What can we do?
JOSH
I don't know, but it has to be drastic.
MARCUS
I'll send all my top agents into the cartoon studios. They'll find out what's going on.
JOSH
Excellent. I look forward to hearing the report.
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
IT'S ONE WEEK LATER. JOSH IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK, PLAYING "ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS" BY HIMSELF
JOSH
Hahaha, come on blue, fight back! Oh, you want a piece of me red? Come and get it. Shut the hell up you damn commie, I'll knock your block off!
BOB WALKS INTO THE ROOM
JOSH
Hahaha, don't ever mess with red again, bastard.
BOB
Who are you talking to?
JOSH
My toy.
BOB
Uh....Marion's back. She got released from the Argentian Prison due to good behaviour.
JOSH
That's good.
BOB
But, there's a slight problem...
JOSH
Ok, that's not good.
MARION WALKS INTO THE ROOM, HER LEFT ARM A BLOODY STUMP
MARION
Hi.
JOSH SEES HER ARM IS MISSING AND THROWS UP ON HIS DESK
JOSH
Holy crap!
MARION
Oh don't worry, it's not as bad as it seems.
JOSH
How come you didn't stop the bleeding before you came here?
MARION
Oh, that's not blood. It's pus.
JOSH THROWS UP ON HIS DESK AGAIN
JOSH
Please, let's talk about something else.
MARION
Well...I got you tickets to the Carrot Top show next week.
JOSH THROWS UP ON HIS DESK ONCE MORE
JOSH
I think you should just leave and get to work.
MARION
Alright. But I'll tell you now, I have to wear a fake arm with a hook on it, so whenever I give you a report, it'll be all cut up from the hook.
JOSH
Uh...yeah ok.
MARION
And the report will probably be covered in pus.
JOSH THROWS UP ON HIS DESK ONE FINAL TIME
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS. NIGHT
MARCUS AND JOSH SIT IN THE DARKENED ROOM, A FILE MARKED "PROJECT DOO" IS ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM
JOSH
So, what have you found out?
MARCUS
It's worse than we thought.
JOSH
What do you mean?
MARCUS
Well...We think that when kids watch Scooby Doo, they become retarded.
JOSH
I see...
MARCUS
We believe that anyone handicapped in the past 30 years, watched an episode of Scooby Doo, which caused them to turn.
JOSH
Dear god. Scooby Doo is horrible.
MARCUS
We're planning to shut down the show tonight. We want you to have a press conference, let the world know what Scooby Doo has done to our kids.
JOSH
If Scooby Doo caused this much problems, imagine what other cartoons are doing to our kids! Maybe Yogi Bear has caused hundreds of bear maulings! Donald and Daffy has caused kids to speak with speech impediments! Stuttering's not in the genes, it's caused by Porky Pig!
MARCUS
This is a massive conspiracy! The cartoon people have been ruining the future of our kids for 100 hundred years!
JOSH
It's time to take down the cartoon industry...and this time, it's personal.
MARCUS
Wow. That was a good line.
JOSH
I know. I've been practicing it for awhile. It's my action movie line. Like say we get attacked by a Russian Sub. I'll kill the leader, and scream out 'It's time to take down Russia...and this time, it's personal.'
MARCUS
You know, you could become an action movie star with lines like that.
JOSH
Really?
MARCUS
Oh yeah. You know, Bill Clinton wanted to be an action star. He had a great line too, 'It's time to take you down...you dummy.'
JOSH
Maybe I should try out for an action movie. I can play a cop, whose partner is killed, and I have to take down the Yakuza. We can call it 'Bulletproof Badge'.
MARCUS
I'd watch it. It sounds good.
JOSH
Then it's settled. I'll become an action star!
MARCUS
What about the cartoons?
JOSH
Oh yeah, and I'll take those down too.
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE. NIGHT
JOSH IS STANDING AT HIS PODIUM, A SIGN BEHIND HIM READS "SCOOBY DOO WAS RETARDED- AND NOW YOU ARE TOO!"
JOSH
Do you see that sign behind me? Do you know why it says that? Because Scooby Doo has been turning kids into retards for years, and it's gone unnoticed! It's time to strike back against these evil cartoons, and make TV wholesome again! On a lighter note, I'm becoming an action movie star.
A REPORTER RAISES HIS HAND
REPORTER
Uh...Shouldn't you be talking about evil cartoons, instead of your action movie career?
JOSH
Ahahaha, no. I hope you die. Anymore questions?
NEWSCASTER
Is Scooby Doo really so evil, that we can blame him on our kids problems?
JOSH
Yes, absolutely. That's all for this speech, keep rocking in the free world!
'KEEP ON ROCKING IN THE FREE WORLD' PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AS JOSH WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM
ACT 2
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
JOSH IS TYPING AT HIS TYPEWRITER, WORKING ON HIS ONE LINERS FOR HIS ACTION MOVIE. MARION WALKS INTO THE ROOM, WEARING HER HOOK ARM
JOSH
Please, don't disturb me. I'm trying to write some witty one liners.
MARION
Uh...Casey Kasem is here.
JOSH
Casey Kasem? Isn't he dead?
MARION
No. And he's here.
CASEY STORMS INTO THE ROOM, A GUN IN HIS HANDS
CASY
Oh you motherf***er. I've been doing the f***ing voice for f***ing Shaggy for 30 f***ing years, and then you get the show shut down.
JOSH
Calm down Casey. Scooby Doo was evil.
CASEY
Of course he was evil. The show was created to create an army of the retarded.
JOSH
What!?
CASEY
Richard Nixon wanted us to create a show that could create an army of the retarded, which he could control. When he was impeached, everyone pretended that the plan never existed, and continued to make the show.
JOSH
Dear god! How come no one stopped it.
CASEY
Don't you understand? This army is still growing! And only I, Casey Kasem can control them! I will get the retarded to rise, and take over the world!
JOSH
Dammit, I knew you were evil!
CASEY
Of course. No one knows my real name is...Casey Hitler!
CASEY REVEALS HE HAS A MUSTACHE LIKE HITLER
CASEY
Now, I order you to put Scooby Doo back on the air!
JOSH
Oh yeah? What can you do about.
CASEY
I have 9,000 retards surrounding this building, all waiting for my command. If you don't put it on, I'll take down the entire country!
JOSH
I should've known you'd try to take over the world with an army of the retarded, Casey. It's so predictable.
CASEY
The time for conversation is over. Call the networks, Scooby Doo must return!
JOSH GRABS HIS TYPEWRITER, AND THROWS IT AT CASEY. CASEY FALLS BACKWARDS, DEAD
JOSH
Looks like you're typing a story...of death!
MARION CLAPS AT HIS ONE LINER
JOSH
Thanks. I've been working on that line for hours.
MARION
What should I do with Casey's corpse? Throw it in the river?
JOSH
Yes. And tie meat to him, so the fish eat him.
MARION
Right away.
JOSH
Heheh. Good times.
INT. NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT'S HOUSE. DAY
THE NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT IS SITTING ON HIS COUCH WATCHING AN EPISODE OF 'HOGANS HEROES'
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
Haha. Hogan, will you ever learn. The nazi's always win.
HIS SERVANT WALKS IN CARRYING A PHONE
SERVANT
Sir, telephone call.
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT (ON THE PHONE)
Hello...No...NO!...Casey Hitler!...I see, thank you for telling me this.
SERVANT
If you don't mind me asking sir, but who was it?
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
It was one of my men. It seems Casey Hitler has been assasinated, and project 'Retard Army' is currently on hold.
SERVANT
Oh my. What do you plan to do?
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
We're going to gain control of the army, and take over the USA! But first, I want to finish watching Hogans Heroes.
INT. MOVIE STUDIO. NIGHT
LATER THAT EVENING, JOSH IS MEETING WITH STEVEN SPIELBERG, TO DISCUSS HIS MOVIE
JOSH
And so, I grab the sword, and I cut this guy in half. Then I say, 'Looks like you got slip personalitys."
STEVEN
Wow. That's good. Steven Seagal good.
JOSH
Phh. Steven Seagal coudln't think of a one liner to save his life.
STEVEN
I usually don't do movies like this, but your idea really speaks to me. Go into more detail about what it's about.
JOSH
I'll play a retired cop who runs for President, and wins the election. My vice-president is captured by Russians, and they clone him. This evil clone is sent to kill me, and I have to stop him and the Russians to save the country. It's called "Hail to the Chief".
STEVEN
Amazing. Simply amazing.
JOSH
And I'll have a street tough, trash talking sidekick called 'Thugs'. He'll follow me around, making funny wisecracks like 'You so crazy!' and 'Don't mess wit' me again'.
STEVEN
That makes it even better. Mr. President, you've got yourself a deal. Let's make this movie. We can film it in Canada next month.
JOSH
Canada?
STEVEN
Yes. It's much cheaper. And besides, who wants to stay in crummy USA when you can go to the great Canada!
JOSH
Yeah, this place blows!
ONE MONTH LATER...
INT. FILM SET. DAY
THE SET OF THE FILM IS CROWDED WITH PEOPLE MARCHING BACK AND FORTH WITH DIFFERENT ITEMS FOR THE MOVIE. JOSH AND STEVEN SIT ON THEIR CHAIRS NEAR THE BACK, WATCHING THE MAYHEM AROUND THEM
STEVEN
And so I said to George Lucas, "Your movies are too good. You never make crappy ones."
JOSH
Wow. So 'The Phantom Menace' and 'Attack of the Clones' were made to be horrible.
STEVEN
Yep. And Star Wars was written in 40 minutes on the back of a napkin. He made it as a joke, and people liked it!
JOSH
But that's enough pretending to be interested in your life. Let's talk about the movie.
STEVEN
Well, we're doing good so far. We've got about 3 more months of shooting, and then we'll edit this together.
ANTHONY HOPKINS WALKS UP TO THEM
ANTHONY
Uh, I wanted to ask something about my character, 'Thugs'. When I say 'Yo bitch, wassup?', am I supposed to make an obscene gesture with my finger?
JOSH
Yes.
ANTHONY
You know, I was knighted by the Queen. Why am I playing a character called 'Thugs'.
JOSH
Because you are. Shut up and get back to work.
ANTHONY
Yes sir.
ANTHONY WALKS OFF CRYING
STEVEN
What a maroon.
ANTHONY
I heard that!
SIX MONTHS LATER...
EXT. OUTSIDE THEATRE. NIGHT
JOSH AND STEVEN ARE WALKING DOWN THE RED CARPET TO THE THEATRE SHOWING THE PREMIERE OF THEIR MOVIE, "HAIL TO THE CHIEF". HUNDREDS OF REPORTS SNAP PHOTOS AND SCREAM OUT QUESTIONS
REPORTER
Is it true you spend $800 million dollars on the movie?
STEVEN
Aha. No, it was much more.
JOSH
Probably about 2 billion dolllars.
STEVEN
And that's not counting the 3 billion I spent on buying a cowboy hat for the one scene.
REPORTER
Is it true Casey Kasem was a neo-nazi scumbag who was using Scooby Doo to create an army of retards to take over the world?
JOSH
Uh...no. Where would you hear such a crazy rumour like that?
REPORTER
You told me it.
JOSH
Oh. Well I was drunk.
JOSH AND STEVEN ENTER THE THEATRE
INT. MOVIE THEATRE. NIGHT
JOSH IS SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW NEXT TO STEVEN. STEVEN GETS UP ON THE STAGE TO MAKE SHORT SPEECH BEFORE THE MOVIE BEGINS
STEVEN
Uh, thanks everybody for coming. "Hail to the Chief" is probably the best movie I've ever made. It's really wicked awsome, and I think you should all enjoy it. I must warn you now, the movie's extremely violent, so violent that 3 people actually died from watching it. Just kidding. Only 2 people died.
THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS
STEVEN
So, without further ado, it's time to Hail to the Chief!
STEVEN SITS BACK DOWN. THE SCREEN LIGHTS UP, REVEALING THE AMERICAN FLAG. BLOOD BEGINS TO DRIP DOWN ON THE FLAG, SPELLING OUT "HAIL TO THE CHIEF". WE SEE THE OVAL OFFICE, JOSH IS SITTING BEHIND IT.
JOSH (IN THE MOVIE)
I can't believe I'm President. This is so cool.
A BOMB FLIES THROUGH THE WINDOW OF THE OFFICE, JOSH LEAPS TO THE GROUND AND PICKS IT UP
JOSH (IN THE MOVIE)
Looks like someone was littering. Time to teach them a lesson in recycling...a deadly lesson!
HE THROWS THE BOMB THROUGH THE WINDOW, CAUSING THE FRONT LAWN OF THE WHITE HOUSE TO EXPLODE
JOSH (IN THE THEATRE)
Wow. The surround sound really lets you hear the individual blades of grass being blown up.
STEVEN
I know. It's really awsoneatacular.
JOSH
Awsoneatacular? What the hell is that?
STEVEN
A word I made up. Combination of Awsome, Neat and Spectacular.
JOSH
Wow. That word's pretty awsoneatacular.
THE NEXT DAY...
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
JOSH IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK, WRITING A REPORT ON "HOW TO KICK ASS". BOB AND HARRY WALK INTO THE ROOM, ANGRY LOOKS ON THEIR FACES
HARRY
We've got a major problem Josh.
JOSH
What? Did someone steal my car?
BOB
No. An army of Retards have been spotted in Kentucky.
HARRY
The invasion has begun.
JOSH
Don't panic. We can sort this out.
BOB
They've already destroyed California.
HARRY
And North Dakota is supposedly 'All Whacked Out'.
JOSH
Hmm...The neo-nazi's must be controlling them. We'll have to track them down, and stop them.
BOB
You know, I just happen to have a new device here. It manages to follow signals giving off machines that control retards.
JOSH
No, that won't help us.
BOB
Yeah, I'll just throw in the trash.
HARRY
I guess we're screwed then. Soon the Neo-nazi retards will have the country.
JOSH
Well then...let's get out of here. Find a new country to run. I'll be President, because I'm so cool.
BOB
I call vice-president!
HARRY
Crap. I guess I'll be Co-Vice President.
JOSH
Let's get outta here!
ACT 3
INT. DESERT ISLAND. DAY
BOB, HARRY AND JOSH ARE SITTING ON A DESERT ISLAND. A CRASHED PLANE CAN BE SEEN BEHIND THEM
JOSH
Let's never speak of the plane ride again.
BOB
Agreed.
HARRY
So...now what?
JOSH
Well, we start building a city. I'll be consultant, so you guys just come talk to me when you need help while building. I'll just go sit on that rock under the shade.
BOB
That's not fair.
JOSH
Hey, starting a new country isn't easy, you need a consultant.
HARRY
What are we calling this country anyway?
JOSH
Awsoneatacular. That's what it's called.
BOB
Pretty good name. You're a good consultant.
JOSH
Yeah. So get building!
INT. CUBA. NIGHT
MEANWHILE, IN CUBA. FIDEL CASTRO HAS JUST FINISHED WATCHING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF". A TEAR RUNS DOWN HIS CHEEK
FIDEL
No movie has ever touched me that way before. Get me President Matters, I want to speak to him. Maybe the US and Cuba can become allies.
INT. SMALL SHACK. NIGHT
BACK ON THE ISLAND, JOSH, HARRY AND BOB ARE SITTING AROUND IN THEIR SMALL SHACK MADE OF BAMBOO.
JOSH
I wonder how the US is doing. Probably sank into the Ocean.
HARRY
Good riddance. Our country will be so much more cool.
BOB
Yeah!
JOSH
Plus, we'll have like a population of 900 billion, so we'd be so big, they'd have to give us like 8 planets.
HARRY
Wait a minute...how do we get a bigger population, there's no women here?
JOSH
Don't worry. They'll come. No woman could resist three men with government jobs on a deserted island.
INT. OVAL OFFICE. DAY
THE NEXT DAY, FIDEL CASTRO ARRIVES AT THE EMPTY OVAL OFFICE. HE'S CARRYING BANANA BREAD IN HIS ARMS
FIDEL
Hello? Anybody home? I brought some banana bread?
HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AND SEES THE RETARD ARMY ATTACKING
FIDEL
Holy cigar smoking baby. This isn't good.
THE NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT BURSTS INTO THE ROOM
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
Ah, my new office....Hey, what are you doing here?
FIDEL
What are you doing here!?
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
I asked you first!
FIDEL
No way, I asked you first!
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
No!
FIDEL
Yes!
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
No!
FIDEL
Yes!
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
No!
Fidel
No!
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
Yes!
FIDEL
Ha, I got you! You have to tell me why you are here!
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
Damn you. Well if you must now. I've taken over the US with an army of the retarded.
FIDEL
Ha. You don't know the side effects, do you?
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
What side effects?
FIDEL
I tried making an army of the retarded too. But you know, eventually they just go off and do their own thing. Maybe talk to their socks, or complain that their shoes hurt.
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
No! It can't be!
FIDEL
It's true. Right now, they're probably realising they want to watch cartoons, and eat frozen fries.
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
I should've known Casey Kasem couldn't think of a good plan. He's such a retard. Well, I guess my days are over. Might as well let the US go back to normal.
FIDEL
Hey, did you see Hail to the Chief?
NEO-NAZI PRESIDENT
No. But I heard the reviews were excellent.
FIDEL
Then let's go. It's awsoneatacular.
THEY LEAVE THE ROOM WITH THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHERS SHOULDERS
EXT. DESERT ISLAND. NIGHT
IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS. BOB IS DEAD ON THE GROUND, HIS BODY HALF EATEN. JOSH AND HARRY NERVOUSLY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHARP SPEARS IN EACH OTHER'S HANDS
JOSH
Y-You're not eating me!
HARRY
Shut up and die!
JOSH
No, you die!
HARRY
Not until you die first.
JOSH
Ok. How about I kinda die, and then you kinda die. And then we both die at the same time.
HARRY
Deal!
THEY BOTH STAND THERE, CONTINUING TO STARE AT EACH OTHER
JOSH
I'm waiting for you to half die.
HARRY
No. You half die first.
JOSH FALLS TO THE GROUND, HALF DEAD. HARRY FALLS HALF DEAD RIGHT AFTER
JOSH
Ok. Now you fully die.
HARRY
No. You fully die.
JOSH
No way!
THEY CONTINUE TO FIGHT AS A VOICEOVER SPEAKS OVER THEIR YELLING
VOICEOVER
On June 17, Harry Pollmar and Josh Matters died of starvation.
THE END