Title: All these Letters.
Rating: R/ NC-17
Summary: Lose the love, Gain it back, Forget the past, The present is painful, Old mistakes, Second chances, Don't take it for granted. (M/M Homosexuality with all that love and fluff stuff!)
Disclaimer: I own the characters and the plotline, I don't know or own any of the bands mentioned. Just remember this is F I C T I O N but if you do decide to read this then please have an open mind.
Please note: No characters were hurt in the making of this story, how ever by all legal rights the author will not take responsibility for the actions of some members. The actors in this story are professionals and have been trained to perform these stunts. Please do not attempt to re-enact anything you have seen today.
Enjoy the show.
I don't know how long I had been sitting there, staring out of the large window into the grey wet world. The first of the summer rains beckoned to me to join them in the cooling of the earth, they would offer me coolness and calmness in my hectic crazy life. The huge fat droplets of water hit the ground or the window or the leaves on the trees, saturating everything in a film of warm water. I wondered if it was worth going out there and letting the rain soak through my t-shirt and jeans, letting it wash the red dye from my hair and running down my arms like clear crystal veins. It seemed to so tempting to go out there and just forget everything. To forget about life, to forget about being gay, to forget that I am totally alone and that I'm too scared to tell a soul about my little secret. I just wanted to forget about him and the fact that I love him so much.
"Fuck the rain!" He yelled as he stormed through the house and stopped short in the lounge where I was sat.
The water had soaked his beautiful blue hair; his dark eyes seemed even darker against his beautiful pale skin, which was wet. His wet Ramones t-shirt stuck to his torso, outlining his chest and his strong stomach, it outlined his erected nipples and the single nipple ring he had.
"Are you okay?" he suddenly asked.
"I'm fine." I answered weakly and went back to staring out at the rain longingly. Maybe I will take that walk in the rain; the warm water was a heavenly gift. "I'm going for a walk."
I stood up slowly out of my seat feeling one hundred years old. I may have not been that old but I felt it and even if I was, I would still have loved him for nearly all of those long distant years. Just knowing I would love him that long brought pain and self-loathing. I could never have him the way I wanted him because it just wasn't right. I walk past him in the dark grey lounge trying hard not to stare at him.
"Kenji wait." Just him touching me was enough to freeze me to where I was. I could feel his cold wet hands on my bare skin but I didn't want to look at him. "Why are you being like this?"
"Being like what?" I asked.
"Like you're disgusted to be around me." I cringed at his words; I cringed at the soft tone in his voice. If only he knew what he did to me. "Have I done something wrong?"
"No." I answered feeling numb and dizzy. I felt bad for making him think these things, all I wanted to do was not love him so I didn't have to feel this pain. "You haven't upset me, I've just had a lot on my mind."
"You're lying I know you're lying." He whispered sounding hurt.
"Please just leave it be." I answered.
"Kenji," He sighed and turned me so I was facing him his dark eyes glimmering against his pale wet skin. "Tomorrow I leave for England. Please tell me what is it that's going through your mind right now. I don't want to leave here knowing something is making you act like this towards me."
"I really do want to tell you." I sighed. "But knowing will be worse than knowing nothing at all."
"But I want to know!" He cried out and squeezed my arm. "Please Kenji I am begging you! Is it because you're gay?"
I cringed. Yes being gay was so wonderful, the fact that I had lost my family because of it, the fact that I was now living with my aunt who was the only one who cared for me. The fact that I live in a town full of narrow-minded people who thought I was riddled with some kind of disease was absolutely perfect. He was the only one who I could turn to, the only one who didn't think I was disgusting and tomorrow he was leaving for England where I would never see or hear from him again except in the occasional letter.
"It's not because of that." I sighed and shook him away. "Go get changed before you catch a cold. You can't be flying with a stinking cold now can you?"
He looked at me for a moment his eyes glazed with hurt and confusion before he slowly turned away and headed off to get into something dry.
I guess tomorrow was my last time to tell him how I felt about him, to tell him I loved all the crazy colors he dyed his hair but how I loved his natural summer brown hair the most, to him I loved it when he sang all our favorite songs, to tell him how much I loved his smile and the cheeky glint in his boyish eyes. Yes I loved him even if love can't be a one sided thing. Tomorrow I would tell him all of this and then see if he was still going to miss me.
Today could not come any sooner. He was silent for the whole journey, his mother and father chatting happily about what they were going to do when they got to England, they told us about the town they were going to live in, a quaint little seaside town by the name of Pevensy Bay on the south east coast not far from a bigger town called Eastbourne. The names meant nothing to me even after we had looked at maps of England and pinpointed the two mentioned places.
"You'll like it there son." His father smiled. "The people there are friendly."
"Yeah." Was the quiet sad answer.
"I'm sure you'll be okay." I gave his hand a squeeze. "I'll write to you when I can."
"It wouldn't be the same." He sighed and looked at me. "I'll miss you anyway."
After an hour we got to the airport. We helped unload the suitcases from my aunt's car and helped carry them inside. I knew that soon I would never see him again, but I would tell him when he walked through the first checkpoint and there was no turning back. He was silent the whole way through even when I tried my best to cheer him up, it hurt to see him so sad and I wished to god I could take away his pain and sadness but I couldn't, all I could do was add to it.
"Let's get a drink." I suggested and led him towards a MacDonald's not far from where we had stopped. "A farewell drink between two best buddies."
I went and ordered two large colas before taking them over to the table he had chosen. He still looked so sad; it hurt to see him like this. For a while neither of us spoke, he refused to look at me and that hurt more than knowing in a few hours or less I would never see him again. I breathed in deeply trying to drown out the pain with positive thoughts.
"We've known each other since the fifth grade." He finally spoke with a sad tone. "Now here we are all grown up, we're nearly adults and now, after so many years of laughs and fights and jokes, now fate has decided to split us apart."
"It sucks Kenji!" He hissed his eyes glazed with tears. "It fucking sucks! You're my best friend and… "
He bowed his head as his shoulders heaved with sobs. I sighed and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze not knowing what to say. After a few minutes he lifted his head, his eyes red and puffy from crying and his cheeks clammy with tears.
"I don't want to go Kenji." He whispered. "I want to stay here with you."
"I know." I sighed and pulled him against my chest, his tears soaking my shirt. "One day we'll see each other again. I know we will."
"And what if we don't?"
"We will." I answered firmly. "Don't ever think I'll forget you because I won't and I'll find you again, when we're grown up and have jobs and money or in famous punk bands like we said we would do. I'll come find you."
I heard him laugh and I smiled knowing that this was the last time I would hear him laugh or see him smile.
"I'll miss you." I whispered. "But thank you for being my friend after everything that's happened."
"Can I make a confession?" He mumbled.
"Okay." I nodded.
"Not here. At the gate." He sighed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "I want it to be the last thing you hear from me."
I nodded my understanding.
Twenty minutes later and they had to go through the first checkpoint. His hands were shaking as he picked up his travel bag and pulled it onto his shoulder. We walked some way behind my aunt and his parents, trying our hardest to drag out our last moments together but we couldn't make it last forever and soon we were standing there in line.
"I wanted you to have this." He handed me a scrap of paper. "Don't open it until after I'm gone okay?"
I nodded. My heart was hammering in my chest; fuck he really was leaving me. It was hurting, I felt like screaming and curling up into a ball. I didn't want him to go but I couldn't stop him. I felt his hand squeeze mine and I realized he was next to be checked. He turned around and looked at me, fresh tears in his eyes.
Then with out warning he stepped forward and kissed me.
Time stood still right then. All that mattered was his lips against mine, his warmth washing through me as my mind buzzed from the softness of his skin. Finally he pulled back and time started again, his big brown eyes full of sadness as he stepped back a little.
"I love you Kenji." He whispered.
Before I had chance to recover from the shock he was gone, through the gates to the metal detectors, never once looking back.
I felt tears flood my eyes as I stepped away and allowed my aunt to wrap an arm around my shoulder. She led me away in my daze, the tears blurring my vision whilst I felt my heart shattering in my chest. His words resounded in my ears like a broken record that I couldn't shut off; his heart felt words that I should have returned.
I didn't notice the drive home or my aunt leading me to my room and telling me to lie down. I didn't feel myself lying on my bed in the grey darkness as once again it began to rain outside. I could hear the rain bouncing off the roof and splatter against the windows but I felt nothing, I didn't feel the chill of the early summer air that still clung to springs coolness, I couldn't smell the dry earth or the freshly cut grass I couldn't even see what was before me.
Then slowly, reality slowly crept back up on me, the tingling sensation of pain set my nervous system on fire as fresh hot tears spilt down my face and the empty void that had left me feeling numb slowly filled with a hollow pain that made every fiber in my body ache.
And as the pain came back, the realization I had lost my best friend and the only person I could ever love properly mocked me from the inside, I realized I had been holding something tightly within my fist.
I held up the piece of folded paper and frowned, He had given it to me before he kissed me and told not to open it until he was gone. Now though he was gone meaning I could open this up and find out what was inside. I folded the white sheet carefully as if it was the most precious thing in the world, which held all the secrets to the universe.
It was a colored in picture with patterns and doodles in bold colors like red and magenta pink and blues and greens and purples and oranges and blacks. In the centre of the colors was a vague heart shape colored in blue with purple edges to make it look shiny. Then there in the centre of the heart in bold yellow was the one thing that made my heart shatter.Bradford Karl Hamilton luvz Kenji Akio Palmer.