In Our Times
Editor's note: The aim of this newspaper is to parody all those in public life who not only invite parody but require it for the world to exist without exploding in on itself. Contributions are not only welcome but.well, they're just welcomed.
September 9th, 2003, London.
Tony Blair was accused today of being a "very, very naughty boy" by the cross-party Parliamentary committee on Naughty Thing Done by the Prime Minister While on Holiday in Southern Italy. They particularly objected to Blair's behaviour between the hours of 2am and 3am. A long line of witnesses came forward to testify against Blair but the goat could not be convinced to join them. The Italian police have said they would look into the matter further if it did not require work of any kind. The Conservatives have jumped on this situation, calling Blair a variety of names not of which can be repeated as no one has yet learnt the Tory language. However it was not just bad news for Mr Blair as the juice-maker he ordered six weeks ago finally arrived. Downing Street commented that he was "very excited" about it and would use it at the very first opportunity he could. Sources inside the government, however, said that Mrs Blair was not very happy with the juice-maker at all. She apparently threw up her arms in disgust with its colour and would not even taste the lovely fresh orange juice that it produced. This story is surely not over yet.
In other news, a pack of Squirrels was seen in a wood somewhere. Scientists have been sent out to reassurance the public that this new breed of wood- living Squirrels pose no risk to the public but should be treated with caution. Environmentalists said that the sun would burn out in three billion years unless these squirrels were given enough trees to reproduce to a healthy number. A passer-by tried to slap some sense into the environmentalists but sadly he was unsuccessful. The leader of the Squirrels said exclusively to In Our Times, "Nuts, nuts, we want your nuts. Nuts, nuts, nuts." He then proceeded to do the Tango alone before shaving the letter W into his chest. Our reporter ran screaming like a little girl. Hollywood has reportedly signed the rights to this story for approximately $2.3 million dollars. Expect the movie out some time next year.
And finally, today marks the anniversary of this newspapers creation. This time last year our editor was sitting in his own filth, watching X-rated films, and ignoring the growing pile of red-coloured bank statements. Today he is sitting in his own filth, watching X-rated films, and ignoring the growing pile of bright red-coloured bank statements. How times have changed.
Editor's note: The aim of this newspaper is to parody all those in public life who not only invite parody but require it for the world to exist without exploding in on itself. Contributions are not only welcome but.well, they're just welcomed.
September 9th, 2003, London.
Tony Blair was accused today of being a "very, very naughty boy" by the cross-party Parliamentary committee on Naughty Thing Done by the Prime Minister While on Holiday in Southern Italy. They particularly objected to Blair's behaviour between the hours of 2am and 3am. A long line of witnesses came forward to testify against Blair but the goat could not be convinced to join them. The Italian police have said they would look into the matter further if it did not require work of any kind. The Conservatives have jumped on this situation, calling Blair a variety of names not of which can be repeated as no one has yet learnt the Tory language. However it was not just bad news for Mr Blair as the juice-maker he ordered six weeks ago finally arrived. Downing Street commented that he was "very excited" about it and would use it at the very first opportunity he could. Sources inside the government, however, said that Mrs Blair was not very happy with the juice-maker at all. She apparently threw up her arms in disgust with its colour and would not even taste the lovely fresh orange juice that it produced. This story is surely not over yet.
In other news, a pack of Squirrels was seen in a wood somewhere. Scientists have been sent out to reassurance the public that this new breed of wood- living Squirrels pose no risk to the public but should be treated with caution. Environmentalists said that the sun would burn out in three billion years unless these squirrels were given enough trees to reproduce to a healthy number. A passer-by tried to slap some sense into the environmentalists but sadly he was unsuccessful. The leader of the Squirrels said exclusively to In Our Times, "Nuts, nuts, we want your nuts. Nuts, nuts, nuts." He then proceeded to do the Tango alone before shaving the letter W into his chest. Our reporter ran screaming like a little girl. Hollywood has reportedly signed the rights to this story for approximately $2.3 million dollars. Expect the movie out some time next year.
And finally, today marks the anniversary of this newspapers creation. This time last year our editor was sitting in his own filth, watching X-rated films, and ignoring the growing pile of red-coloured bank statements. Today he is sitting in his own filth, watching X-rated films, and ignoring the growing pile of bright red-coloured bank statements. How times have changed.