It was a dark and stormy night. The winds were blowing, and the streets were flooded all over the planet. Cats were flying and birds couldn't. ..

But that doesn't matter, because Dark Happy was in Neo City, a self- contained city built in a giant natural cave. There he stood, staring at the booze. He regularly spent time in the Immigration district, as he could get duty-free alk-ey-hol.

"Hmm. .. Bud Lite, or Coors Lite? Is the 'Lite' in any way a sign of change? Does Lite indicate less alcohol, or less non-alcoholic material? Maybe it's all simply a metaphor for how everyone in life travels with too much emotional baggage, and the Lite can help us dispose of said pain- - to 'travel lite' as it were? If a bottle falls in the forest, will a drunkard hear it? How much- -"

His philosophizing was cut off by a cry from the next aisle.

"DARKU! ARIGATO!"

Dark Happy was slightly perturbed by the voice. In his experience, people speaking English-Japanese word soup are not good to associate with.

The speaker was about three feet tall. It looked much like Dark, when out of his disguise. He had a rabbit head, and a fluffy body, although Dark had a giant turtle shell. His legs, too, were like those of a clawed mammal, unlike Dark's equine feet. The arms, also, were clawed like Dark's lizard arms, but the speaker's were more like those of a rabbit. He was also much, much shorter. I guess they weren't particularly similar, really.

"DARKUDARKUDARKUDARKUDARKUDARKUDARKU!!! ARIGATO!!!"

"Chill out. .. Who are you, kid?" Dark Happy asked, attempting to pry the child off of his face.

He received a letter, most likely because the child couldn't speak much English. Using his madly-awesome reading skills (he reads funetiklee), he managed to make me write it for you to read!

Dear Dark Hippy,
We apologize for the short notice we give you here. The child before you is apparently your relative. His name is happy happy (he gets angry if you capitalize his name). He had no other family and the home was knocked down by Godzirra-san. So we've sent him back to you. Please note that he doesn't know much English (not much Japanese either) and we need you to teach him some. Take happy happy in, and let him flourish well! Sincerely,
Sanrio Super Happy Mega Daycare (p.s. He needs to get legal citizenship.)

"Hmm. .. "Dark Hippy, eh? Well, I don't see one here. .. Can't take you in, sorry." Dark Happy loves loopholes.

"Typo!" Probably all happy happy could say in English.

"Oh. Well. .. That' what you think, because you're. .. a big jerk. .. and. .. YOINK!." Dark Happy blundered, before running away like the Running Man in Ocarina of Time. I hated that guy. Can't Nintendo give us a little possible Easter Egg in a game?

"Darku! Darku! Wait!" The high three-year-old voice of happy happy took off behind.

"Kid, can't you find someone else?" Dark Happy asked, slowing up momentarily.

"Darku!" The kid was intent on saying that. He was pretty fast, too.

It was rising. ..

"You can run well, but. .. can you do this?" Completely ruining is clever disguise (a tee-shirt and pair of cargo shorts) Dark Happy sprouted wings from the inconspicuous wing-stalks at his neck. He took to the skies. .. well, cavern ceilings.

Rising. .. Rising. ..

"DARKU-UUU!" happy happy yelled, then stopped running.

It was airborne! Floating. .. Waiting to strike. ..

"Heheh. Idiot kids. We should kill 'em all. And eat 'em. Heheheh. ." Dark Happy laughed, "I hear some third world countries are procreating simply to eat. Maybe I should- - OW!"

Dark Happy rammed into a cavern wall going at mach 8. Heheh. "Mock ate". Heheh.

He turned around, a difficult task when flying, even harder when sober.

In front of him was what appeared to be a homing fireball. The only difference was that Fireballs don't home.

SLAM!

"Yeesh, why ya gotta hit me like- - AAH! MY HEAD'S ON FIRE!" Dark Happy screamed, and pulled a quick landing, right on the roof of his industrial giant corporation, Happy Pills Corp..

"You think you're tough? Wait'll you see me Happy!" Dark Happy yelled, forgetting happy happy.

He grabbed a drainpipe (though it doesn't rain, the sub-contractor thought it was a good idea.) flipped to the side of his once-hovel-sized-building and climbed into a window. There he found a delivery case of his "magical catalyst", as it were, Happy Pills!

The man mugging happy happy, who had a kazoo, had a desire to play the Popeye song.

Dark Happy's arms bulged, and his tobaccey pipe puffed.

"Arr, I gots to save me Olive Oyle" Dark Happy said, but then noticed the legal implications and ripped off his sailor suit. "You're going down, punk! I mean, fireball! I mean. .. Uuh. .. You're going down!" He motioned manly at the fireball, now headed for a building.

Dark jumped, released his wings, and glided between the building and the fireball in a single, fluid movement. He raised his hand, and the fireball stopped. It was an uneasy, strained stop, but at least Dark Happy could stand there and. .. Wait for someone else to destroy it. He couldn't keep it stopped and attack. "Dangit! What makes you so smart, author-guy?" Dark Happy yelled, most likely having destroyed the Fourth Wall before all this.

Dark couldn't keep it up much longer. He was tired enough. His meta- physical grip was weakening. .. He could feel it quaver. ..

The fireball disappeared. Well, sort of. The fire disappeared. The soft, gooey, kit kat center, however, remained there, in it's Dark Happy resembling form. It's body was more red and reptilian, however. The eyes were the only other difference, almost sad, as opposed to Dark's evil look. Unbefitting of a villain.

The eyes intensified, nearly saying "I'm sorry!" as it returned to a fiery shape. Then., before it set Dark alight again, came a call- "Not so fast, Happies!" and a bullet to raise the proverbial roof. I mean, obviously, if the bullet made a roof rise, it will have hit, as opposed to being a warning shot. And stuff.

The speaker was a human, standing on another roof. He was tall and had a stubby prosthetic limb of some sort. The other hand was carrying a gun. "Which one's first. .."

"Please don't kill me sir I mean I was only trying to beat up this thing that hit me I mean I didn't it was a crime please don't kill me I'll lick your feet clean anything!" The cowardly Dark Happy begged.

"'Sir'. That's one strike. Care to add another?" The person raised the gun.

"No sir I mean no."

"Excellent. And for the record, I'm Nikolai. Tell your pathetic allies that- - when I kill you!" Nikolai, evidently a girl (so much for the all- knowing author!) fired off a few more bubbles at the pair. Dark Happy - I'm not making this up - Screamed and fell off of the building. The other one, who I may as well tell you is named Flamed Happy thanks to my poor naming skills, flew at Nikolai and set fire to her.

"Guuuh. .. You'll pay for that!" The flaming Nikolai (hee hee) yelled, and raised her right arm. The globular metallic replacement appendage (that's ball-shaped shiny fake arm for inferior beings) And from it materialized a big, shiny sword. It was huge!

"You like it? I've named it 'Willie'. Say hello, Willie!" Nikolai jumped, flipped backwards midway, sliced the unwary Flame Happy, and landed, bringing the stunned Flamer down. She proceeded to fill its head with bullets. The back of its head looked like the front of Jason's.

Flame Happy tried to fly away, stumbled, and fell off of the building. Unbeknownst to him, Dark had regained what little confidence he had and flew towards Flame Happy at roughly Mach 3. Eerie, isn't it?

They connected, and Dark unleashed a can of whoop-ass, (also know as the greatest soft drink ever made, I'm not joking) madly attacking and fighting and killing and maiming and stabbing and defenestrating and oh you aren't really going to read all this so I'll just go blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah-de-blah I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts deedledeedee there they are all standing in a row dum-dum-dum fat ones small ones some as big as your head and punching to the face and kicking to the groin and super samurai pimping and singing and eating and speaking Spanish and busting mad caps yo and spiffing and this is getting really boring so let's just say he was beating Flame Happy up.

The ground was getting very close by that point considering Dark was too stupid to continue flying, so, to put it simply, The ground fell up towards them in a pile of cussing and absolute evile-ness.

"Wh-why did you hit me like that?" The dazed Flame Happy gasped for air.

"What?! YOU HIT ME FIRST!" Dark recovered and regained his composure.

"But. ..I had no choice. .. It was the catalyst. .. All that power. .."

"WHAT? You found it? But. .. I need that power! It should be mine! Why can't I have it? Where was it?" Dark Happy quickly experienced a mood swing realizing that this could be his pathway to more power than the pills!

"He. .. Gave it to me." Flame Happy, still on the ground said.

Dark was angry, he needed answers! Living in Perfect Happy's shadow all his life as a test subject, then being thrown away like trash. Only not as messily. For obvious reasons. "WHO?!"

"It was. .. h- -" Flame Happy was cut off by being shot one last time by Nikolai, who had come down there in a stunning display of acrobatics that I'm too lazy to describe here. He may have been able to withstand thirty- eight bullets to the head, but that was his limit.

"You." Dark was outraged. He needed that information, it was all that drove him to live, apart from beer and dirty literature and money and killing people. I guess it wasn't all that important.

"Hmph. He wasn't the one. You're too cowardly. Where are the others?" Nik demanded.

"Others?"

"Yes! Others. More trash like you. I need to find one."

"Actually, I was kind of. .. Left behind. I don't know. You shot my only chance."

"Guuuh! Another dead end. Mph," Nikolai turned around and fired her gun.

Dark jumped back, straight into a wall. It looks like curtains for our hero! What will happen? Will he be hit and explode (yeah right)? Will he miraculously escape? Will happy happy jump out, act as a bullet shield and die in place of Dark Happy? Let's pray for the third choice!

Find out in the next episode of.

THE UTTERLY SCREWED-UP ADVENTURES OF DARK HAPPY!

Oh, c'mon! You didn't think I'd leave you with that cliffhanger, did you? Heheh. ..

"DARKU!" happy happy had finally found Dark after being shot and chewed up by a hippo. He performed a special super move he learned from the United Anime Fan - Girls Association, the "Flying Tackle Glomp" involving a jumping hug. It has horrific effects, both on the physical well-being of the "glompee" and the social life of the "Glomper".

Things happened on a split second effect.

The bullet left Nik's gun barrel.

happy happy left the ground.

Dark crumpled into a fetal position praying to the deity of his religion of choice (the Pants Deity).

Nikolai swore about her hatred for all Happies.

happy happy saw the bullet and screamed.

Dark Happy saw happy happy and screamed.

Nik saw the ice cream man and screamed.

The ice cream man syndicated a national cartoon show.

happy happy fell upon Dark's insanely fearful body just as the bullet hit Dark.

Senator Robert Dole ate the bullet.

The Cheese stood alone.

And Dark Happy was saved.

"Hmph. Don't think you've won! I've still got piles of bullets!" Nikolai, in accordance with Rules of Fiction, ran out of bullets. "Well, don't call me unfair. I guess you've earned survival- - this time."

Nik walked away, leaving happy happy and a much-angered-at-said-happy-happy Dark in the alleyway. As Neo City's artificial sun fell, they made quite the heroic silhouette, short of Dark's attempts to strangle happy happy.

"I wonder when we'll se her again. .." Dark mused, watching Nikolai attempting to get through rush hour traffic.

"Darkudarkudarkudarkudarku!" A much unaffected happy happy "glomped" Dark.

"mph. I'll take you to work tomorrow, get one of my evil minions of death to torture you. Or just take you in. Until that, don't destroy my home." Dark Happy wrned as he walked off into his house, the spliced remains of numerous carnival floats, built to look like a cow riding on top of a viking.

-end ep 1. --see ep 2 next Sat.