I had forgotten you had the power to hurt me.

I used to look at you, glance at you every single day and somehow, the sun I hated seemed to shine through your eyes.

You had something peculiar. Something no one had. Maybe it was me, being in love or maybe it was you, being from another galaxy where other stars burned holes in the outer space.

A glimpse at you made my day, I didn't need anything else.

Then you met her.

She used to despise you, she told me hundreds of time I should stay away, never try anything otherwise I'd get hurt. Then she got caught in your aura and suddenly, she drowned. I wouldn't save her and just watched her from afar.

What a mistake.

I don't think she loved you at the time. She wanted to prove me something. Gradually though, she began to dream of you, to think of you and to smile at you. She fell.

I let silence creep in between me and her, I dropped my habit of looking at you and I dealt with abandon for a time. I was hurt, not because you and she were a couple, I don't even know why.

Because it was so easy to try to touch you, because she was selfish enough to distance me even further, because I not only lost my potential love but equally my best friend?

I know your girl. I know that I made it easier for her when I decided to shut up. I didn't cry, I didn't yell. She bitched at me to get some reaction because she couldn't fight against indifference and that's something she can't figure out in you either: apathy. I held on and sometimes, often, I wonder if I did right. Self-control isn't always a good thing. I wished I had told her she was a bitch but do I really think that? Just at random times.

Then I got over you.

You became egocentric, abusive, lazy and capricious. But someplace inside me, locked in a little golden trunk, you remain the same magical, dreamy boy with a heart of stone and an aurora-colored pain. That boy is the one made for me but I don't think I'm made for him.

Time passed and I'm still alive. I was wrong to think that a smile from you would make me go through the day. All I need now is a pack of cigarettes, music and thoughts. I don't look around anymore in the hope of seeing you. I don't despair when I haven't met you for days.

You became her boyfriend and lost my dreamboy on the way.

Now, I tell you to fuck off because I'm not afraid of your reactions anymore. I tease you when I think you're being silly. I like to look at you in the eyes without having my heart beat more quickly and to make you feel almost uncomfortable by my silence.

Then we're in a crowd, searching after you. I find you first and for a few seconds - between the moment I saw you and the one I tell her you're there - you belong to me. You see me because I saw you and you stand there, waiting. Then a yell, a girl running into her boyfriend's arms and it's all gone. I turn my back to you and pretend I didn't hear you say hello.

You still have power over me and I hate that. Those seconds shouldn't exist, she should find you before I do. I'm almost angry at her because she doesn't recognise you faster.

Where's her love radar?!

Now, I've re-met a boy. He's a friend of yours. He drinks tea without putting any sugar in it and his jeans fall low on his hips. When he shakes his hair out of his eyes, when he emerges slowly from his world, he makes me think of you. Then he has this innocent smile you never had and you fall back to where you belong: in that little golden trunk I hide in the midst of my blood, cells, lungs, heart.

I'm lending him my Thoreau because he's a philosopher and Thoreau is a must. He thinks pretty thoughts and when a car or bus passes by, he has the same urge than me to extend his foot under the flying wheels. He doesn't know where he is but he doesn't feel lost. He lives in a house all by himself and he takes oil baths every night. He's calm, as simple as you are complicated and sometimes wears little boy sweaters.

I can talk with him naturally, without trying to conceal who I am as we both did in that sick mind game we had unconsciously began: know the other in and out but never letting them know what's inside our heads.

.. I don't know if I'll ever get over you but I know that I don't need you anymore to be able to breathe.