Once Upon a Time, Teatime to be Precise.
In a land far, far away. That's far from me not you. Well, it could be from you too it's just I'm not exactly sure where you are so I can't really say if this land is far from you. For all I know you could actually live in this land, which would be a freaky coincidence but stranger things have happened. The discovery of intelligence in the state of Utah for example. Anyway in this far away land there lived a puppet dictator by the name of Benitino. A strange name I admit but his name none the less. I mean strange as in unusual not strange as in the family Strange. Oh, that's another thing. In this land there lived the family Strange. A family of Strangers if you will…well, the boys down the local thought that one was funny. They were very, very pissed at the moment but that is beside the point, that's the left side, not the right. However they did also think Will & Grace was funny. I suppose it just goes to show you that if you give a man enough alcohol he will find absolutely anything funny. Either that or he will find it a threat to his family and try to kill it using only the peanuts you find at any respectable bar and many more unrespectable ones. That reminds me, father's day is fast approaching. Anyway back to the story, one day Benitino decided he no longer wanted to be a puppet dictator. He wished to be a real dictator. He wished and he wished and he wished until he passed out, banged his head against the coffee table and was taken to hospital and caught in for observation. After the kindly donation of blood by a poor little orphan boy, who Benitino have the honour of execution as his reward, the puppet dictator was soon back to wishing despite doctor's advice. Then one day out of the blue a magical fairy appeared as they only do in stories aimed at small children and those high on illegal drugs, not necessarily separate categories. This fairy, whose wonderful magical name was the ever beautiful Brian, announced in his gruff Yorkshire accent that Benitino was to be granted his wish if he could do one task for the all-mighty high order of the Universe wish-giving department. Benitino was shocked. He had never encountered a fairy before except one drunken night in Amsterdam. The six foot seven inch Yorkshire man who stood tall and proud before him was not exactly what he had been led to expect by the word on the playground to put it in mild enough terms for you to read without having to provide proof of age.
"Are you sure you're a fairy?" Asked Benitino trying not to sound scared.
"Of course I bloody am!" Bellowed Brian. "I have a stick with a star on the top, fake and I'm dressed all in bright pink. What more proof do you need?"
"How about showing off some of your magical powers?"
"Jesus Christ!" The palace shook with the force of Brian's voice. "Every God damn time! Can't you people take a little on trust anymore? Is it so hard to believe that I am a fairy?"
"I blame the media." Answered Benitino, still trying not to sound scared. He hoped that Brian hadn't spotted the pool of liquid that had collected by his left trouser leg.
"Don't you run the media?"
"Yes, but only in an all-powerful, do as I say or else kind of way."
Brian stood deep in thought for a moment but luckily for Benitino his brain soon decided that the sentence had too many words in it to be understood. So he scanned the room instead for an opportunity to show off his wonderful magical powers. He quickly found one. Pointing to the one remaining slice of a once majestic cheesecake he asked Benitino, "Would you be convinced if I turned that slice into two?"
Benitino looked down at his slice and then back up at Brian and then back down to the slice. This continued until Benitino's became sore at which point he replied, "Yes."
So Brain summoned up all his mystical power in a huge ball of light, which irradiated so much heat that it melted the eyebrows of a passing mouse, and then he unleashed it upon the pie. There was a massive bang followed by a cloud of dense smoke and then silence. The smoke cleared to reveal the slice had become two, though something was not quite right. It took a minute for Benitino to work it out but he eventually did much to the surprise of his primary school headteacher who said he would never amount to anything and definitely not the puppet dictator of some far away nameless land. "Hey!" He shouted. "Wait one cotton-picking minute. This is carrot cake not cheesecake."
"A minor problem." Said Brian.
"Minor?" Benitino's face was starting to turn bright red with angry. "Minor! Minor to you maybe but not minor to me." Before he could think about the extensive use of the word minor in that last tirade another followed. "I hate carrot cake. I can't stand it. It all started when I was child…"
But before the harps had finished a chord Brain interrupted the flashback. "Yes, yes." He said dismissively. "But did you see all the lights and crap? Are you not convinced?"
"Yes, but what about my cheesecake?"
"I'll buy you a new one. Happy?"
And with that Benitino got his cheese, Brian proved his fairyhood and little Jimmy the lovable orphan was hanged. As for the rest of the story, well, let's just say that if for another time when I am less inclined to turn it into a popcorn action blockbuster with little plot, no character development and even less monkeys. Thank you and good night.