Somebody with a lot of free time on her hands spent it posting a "Bush Resume" on three of my review pages. I thought I'd spend a chapter highlighting and analyzing it.


LAW ENFORCEMENT: I was arrested in


Maine in 1976 for

driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled

guilty, paid a fine, and had

my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas

driving record has

been "lost" and is not available.

The nice thing about the job of President is that it comes with a chauffeured limo and an escort, so in case he ever gets that intoxicated again he'll have a permanent Designated Driver and a bunch of cops and Secret Service agents to keep people out of the way, just in case. So that means the safest thing for all concerned is to keep Bush in office!

MILITARY: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and

went AWOL. I refused

to take a drug test or answer any questions about my

drug use. By joining

the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid

combat duty in Vietnam.

According to Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution, a spotless military record is not a requirement for the job of President, so he could actually write a letter to someone saying he "loathed" the military altogether and still be Commander-In-Chief of it, as Mr. Bill "It-depends-on-what-the-definition-of-'Is'-is" Clinton so aptly demonstrated.

COLLEGE: I graduated from Yale University. I was a


Which makes sense, given that he's so good at eliciting cheers from the troops when he visits them on carriers and in war opposed to Mrs. Hillary "Vast-Right-Wing-Conspiracy" Clinton, who probably only made it out of Afghanistan alive because none of our people wanted to waste a bullet and the enemy knows she does more damage when she's at home.


I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

So did lots of other people. A perfect win streak is also not a job requirement for a President.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland,

Texas in 1975. I bought


oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The

company went bankrupt

shortly after I sold all my stock.

Funny, if this is true why do any of you Bush-haters care that he's fighting "Wars for Oil"? He apparently doesn't know how to profit from the oil business, so he's not actually getting anything out of it.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a

sweetheart deal that took

land using taxpayer money.

Cleveland Browns, bought and maintained with taxpayer money. Green Bay Packers, owned and operated with taxpayer money. Yankee Stadium, partially financed by taxpayer money. Do you know how many people around the world you'd put out of work if funding a sports venture with taxpayer money were a disqualifier on a resume?

With the help of my father and our right-wing

friends in the oil industry

(including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected

Governor of Texas.

Nothing the oilmen and the state Republicans did would have meant a thing if the majority of the people in Texas had simply voted for the other candidate.


I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and

oil companies, making

Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as

the most smog-ridden

city in America.

Well, if you're so concerned about the environment in Texas isn't it better that he's got a new job somewhere else?

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the

tune of billions in

borrowed money.

You don't need to borrow money you don't spend. What did the Texas Legislature do to help out? Hmmm?

I set the record for the most executions by any

Governor in American


Wait, you mean he actually executed people convicted of crimes and sentenced to Death by the Texas Criminal Justice System? Wowzers! That's, like, profound! It's almost as if he was actually DOING HIS JOB as the Chief Law Enforcement Officer of the State! The Media should hear about this!

With the help of my brother, the Governor of

Florida, and my father's

appointments to the Supreme Court, I became

President after losing by

over 500,0 votes.

This "Gore won the popular vote" argument is getting tired. I'm still convinced the only way that claim works is if you disregard Florida (where I've already demonstrated George Bush got more votes and would have even if Gore's people had won their last challenge). The Supreme Court didn't give Bush the Presidency. His brother had zero - repeat: ZERO - influence over what transpired. George Bush is the 43rd President of the United States because he BEAT Al Gore.

Now, unlike some of my colleagues I'm not gonna fall back on the "Electoral College" argument. Yes, the Constitution says the Electors of the state choose the President, but the choice has yet to go against the popular vote, and I'm convinced that remained the case in 2000. You think I'm wrong?


I've already demonstrated my argument, and I'm done listening to all these little throw away lines like "The person with the most votes didn't win!" Show me numbers based on an official source that gives the count of all the votes nationwide - INCLUDING Florida - which demonstrate that Al Gore got more votes overall. Don't tell me "Well, Florida's technically still in dispute"! Don't hand me "Well if we'd counted so-and-so's vote..."! And especially don't waste my time with "Well, Michael Moore said..."! Michael Moore's a proven liar!

And if it were actually the case that the loser of the popular vote became President don't you think it would have been a better use of your time trying to get an Amendment to the Constitution passed that would prevent this happening again instead of spending three damn years trying to change the outcome of an election that's already dead and buried?


I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing

cost of over one

billion dollars per week.

And in the process drove a terrorist organization into hiding, destroyed two dictatorial regimes and freed more people in two years than the United Nations and "International Law" has in the past Fifty. Money well spent, I say.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted

the U.S. Treasury.

Funny, last I checked the government hadn't stopped spending money.

I shattered the record for the largest annual

deficit in U.S. history.

Nope. Congress did. The President can't spend money without Congress's okay. So what is Congress doing to reduce the deficit?

I set an economic record for most private

bankruptcies filed in any

12-month period.

You mean he filed all those bankruptcies himself? Or were they filed by average citizens who couldn't manage their own finances properly? If it's the latter, then who's in the White House has almost nothing to do with it.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in

the history of the U.S.

stock market.

As of the previous week, the market was back at 10,000.

I am the first president in U.S. history to enter

office with a criminal


And his predecessor was the first to leave with one. What's your point? A spotless past is desirable, but is not a job requirement for the Presidency.

I set the the all-time record for most days on

vacation in any one year


Hey, isn't it a belief of the Left that we should treat labor here the way they do in places like France? That's means he didn't take enough vacation time. Bravo to the President for setting an example!

After taking-off the entire month of August, I

presided over the worst

security failure in U.S.history.

Then presided over the most effective response in the history of warfare to the people who took advantage of the security failure, conquering a country that humbled both the British Empire and the Soviet Union and decimating a hostile regime in the Fastest Ground Offensive Ever.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical

Bunker Buster," a WMD.

Let's be clear: We don't actually need to get rid of all WMD. Just the ones owned by the people who do not like us.

In my State Of The Union Address, I lied about our

reasons for attacking

Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.

So I guess the Iraqi Colonel who came forward and identified himself as the source of the information used is lying too, huh?

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising

trips by a U.S. president.

And won control of Congress for the Republican Party. How is this a problem?

In my first year in office over 2-million Americans

lost their jobs and

that trend continues every month.

So you're saying that NOBODY got a job in the two intervening years? NO business hired anybody? Anywhere? Prove it.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a

12-month period.

Again, did he do the actual foreclosing?

I appointed more convicted criminals to

administration than any president

in U.S. history.

All Congress had to do to stop him was dissent. Why didn't it? (And before you whipout the knee-jerk answer, these people were appointed before the Republicans won Congress.)

I set the record for least amount of press

conferences than any president

since the advent of television.

Thank God! That means he's the first President since the advent of television who spends most of his time WORKING.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S.

history and refused to

intervene when corruption involving the oil industry

was revealed.

Mainly because he was too busy trying to prevent the next energy crisis by passing a bill that would completely renovate a dilapidated power transfer system. Too bad his political opponents were too busy coming up with "resumes" like this to help him get it done.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S.


Which are coming down as I write this.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and

support a cut in duty

benefits for active duty troops and their families

-- in war time.

Again, the President can't spend money Congress won't give him.

I have set the all-time record for most people

worldwide to simultaneously

protest me in public venues (15 million people)

shattering the record for

protest against any person in the history of


Which only serves to "out" 15 million stupid people. That's a positive.

I've broken more international treaties than any

president in U.S.


And it's about damn time, too!

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the

richest of any

administration in U.S. history. My "poorest

millionaire," Condoleeza Rice,

has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

Name ONE baglady in the Clinton Administration!

I am the first president in U.S. history to order an


pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a

sovereign nation.

Technically, no he's not. From the South's perspective that was Abraham Lincoln.

[I did] so against the will of the United Nations,

So what?

[the] majority of U.S. citizens,

Every time National Security is mentioned Bush's numbers go up. Translation: the majority of U.S. citizens agree with him.


the world community.

Again, so what?

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the

largest bureaucracy in

the history of the United States government .

It's called "Department", foreigner! But I'll give you this one. It is an unnecessary one.

I am the first president in U.S. history to have the

United Nations remove

the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

And they added Cuba to it! Why would we want to be a part of that group?

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

F---in' A! You go, Dubya!

I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S.

prisoners of war" detainees)

and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva


In the words of the Gunny: "Semper Fi! Carry On!"

I am the first president in history to refuse United

Nations election

inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

Given the track record of U.N. Inspectors, they probably wouldn't be able to FIND our elections even if we let them in.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for

receiving the most

corporate campaign donations.

Again, it wouldn't matter if everybody voted for somebody else.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of

my best friends,

Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate

bankruptcy fraud in

U.S. history. My political party used the Enron

private jets and corporate

attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme

Court during my

election decision. I have

protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton

against investigation or


Actually, the Bush Justice Department went out of its way to make Examples of those involved in the Enron Scandal, precisely to avoid the look of impropriety suggested here.

More time and money was spent

investigating the Monica

Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating

one of the biggest

corporate ripoffs in history.

Because they managed to catch and prosecute the people involved in the Enron scandal, mainly because those people didn't have the political backing of the guy who PURSUED the affair with Monica Lewinski!

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the

World Trade Center

attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the

most hated country in

the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world


The only diplomacy "failure" was that the diplomacy didn't end sooner. And let's get one thing straight: That "sympathy" wasn't magnanimous. The world OWES us every bit of support it can muster, because without us it would S.O.L. most of the time!

I am first president in history to have a majority

of Europeans (71%) view

my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace

and security.

Again, outing idiots is a positive.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted

criminals to be awarded

government contracts.

Well, either he likes criminals or he kills and jails too many of them. Which is it?

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring

Osama Bin Laden and

Saddam Hussein to justice.

Maybe you've heard...a few days ago we caught this guy--oh, what was his's right there in the back of my mind...Oh yes! That would be SADDAM HUSSEIN! One down...


All records of my tenure as Governor of Texas are

now in my father's

library, sealed, and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider

trading and my bankrupt

companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for

public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my


attended regarding public energy policy are sealed

in secrecy and

unavailable for public review.

Please consider my experience when voting in 2004 -

Yes, do that, especially after you consider the Conspiracy Theorist Ex-Governor, Military Micromanager, Civil Rights Windbag, Vice Presidential Election Loser and other assorted Jackasses vying for the right to run against him.