LIFE
CHURCHILLIAN BEGINNING
SCENE 1
[SETTING: A SMALL GROTTY LOOKING VIDEO SHOP]
A MAN IS SITTING BEHIND A DESK SPEAKING ON A PHONE
XANDER: Yes, mother. No, mother. Three bags full, mother. (PAUSE) No, I'm not taking the piss. Yes, I know I'm a failure. Yes, I know. No, I've never pushed a watermelon through my birth canal. Though there was this one time I ate a rather large hard-boiled egg. No, that wasn't funny. No, no one loves me. (PAUSE) So, anyway mum, I called to say thanks for the birthday card. (PAUSE) What? No, you didn't say anything about an assistant. I don't need an assistant. I don't want an assistant. I don't care if you owe some guy a favour. This isn't the Godfather Part II. I'm sorry mum but there is no way in the world I am hiring some stranger simply because you owe someone a favour.
[CUT TO THE XANDER AND ISHMAEL IN THE VIDEO SHOP]
XANDER: And this is the hardcore pornography section. This is populated by middle-aged men who claim they are looking for subtitled Hungarian films about poor little orphans with some kind of terminal disease and a lisp. You do not, under any circumstances, surprise one of these men. There is nothing more dangerous than a nervous 50-year-old man with pornography in his hand. Do you understand?
ISHMAEL: Yes.
XANDER: Are you sure? What are you not supposed to do?
ISHMAEL: Scare ducks with a megaphone.
XANDER: That's not exactly what I said.
ISHMAEL: Oh yeah, right. You said, don't scare middle-aged men not looking for pornography.
XANDER: No. Don't scare middle-aged men who are looking for pornography.
ISHMAEL: Why would I want to scare them?
XANDER: I don't know. All I'm saying is don't, okay? Just don't.
ISHMAEL: Can I scare the ducks then?
XANDER: (PAUSE) Only if I'm there to watch.
ISHMAEL: Okay.
[MAN ENTERS]
MAN: Hello. I'm a middle-aged man looking for pornography.
ISHMAEL: Boo!
[MAN EXITS]
ISHMAEL: Was that okay?
XANDER: Close enough.
[ENTER JULIA]
JULIA: Hey, that was my old English teacher. I didn't know he could run that fast. (PAUSE) Well, hello. Are you going to introduce us?
XANDER: No. I stopped doing introductions after an unfortunate incident.
JULIA: What happened?
XANDER: You remember that time when I had two broken legs and a dislocated shoulder?
JULIA: Oh my God. That was because of an introduction? I thought you fell down the stairs.
XANDER: I did. But at the hospital I introduced a drug in the guy in the cubicle next to me and it nearly killed him.
JULIA: Jesus, why did you do that?
XANDER: To kill him. He wouldn't shut the hell up. Anyway, after that I stopped doing introductions. Kind of got disenchanted with the whole process. So you will have to do it yourself.
JULIA: All right, fine, I will. Hi, my name is Julia.
ISHMAEL: Hi.
JULIA: Your name?
ISHMAEL: Oh, yeah, right. My name is (PAUSE) (LOOKS DOWN AT SHIRT) George. My name is George.
JULIA: Like the clothing company?
ISHMAEL: Um. Help.
XANDER: Just call him Ishmael.
JULIA: Ishmael? That's an unusual name.
XANDER: So is Engelbert Humperdinck but that didn't stop him from achieving international musical fame.
JULIA: True. Hello Ishmael. How are you doing?
[NO REACTION FROM ISHMAEL]
JULIA: Are you sure that's his name?
XANDER: Yes, of course. You just have to hit him first. Here look. Ishmael? Ishmael!
[XANDER HITS ISHMAEL WITH A BANANA]
ISHMAEL: Yes?
XANDER: See.
ISHMAEL: Huh? What?
JULIA: Anyway, I've got some news, some amazing news, and some life-changing news. The kind of news that only comes once in a lifetime. Like the time that wall in Germany fell or the time that Posh and Becks announced their engagement. Don't you want to know it?
XANDER: Does it involve me?
JULIA: No.
XANDER: Does it involve alcohol?
JULIA: No.
XANDER: Does it involve a movie collaboration between Quentin Tarantino, Jim Carrey and Meg Ryan?
JULIA: No.
XANDER: Then I don't care.
JULIA: It's the kind of news that requires a celebratory visit to the Pub.
XANDER: Why didn't you say so? Ishmael look after the shop, we're going out.
JULIA: Can't he come with us?
XANDER: But, but, he, and that thing (PAUSE) All right but he better be buying.
SCENE 2
[SETTING: PUB]
XANDER: Three pints, please, Mike. What are you two having?
JULIA: The usual.
MIKE: Sorry Julia but we're out of single men.
XANDER: (LAUGHING) Good one. (STERN LOOK FROM JULIA) Not good. Bad, in fact. Very bad.
ISHMAEL: I'll just have sparkling wine, please.
[EVERYONE LOOKS AT ISHMAEL]
ISHMAEL: I meant I'll have some rum and coke. Hold the coke.
XANDER: So, what's this alcohol-worthy news then?
JULIA: See I told you that you would care. See, see, do you see?
XANDER: Interest fading.
JULIA: Okay, okay, prepare yourself. I've got a job.
XANDER: No, seriously. What's the news?
JULIA: That is the news. I've got a job.
XANDER: Very funny. (PAUSE) No, seriously. What's the news?
JULIA: That is the news!
XANDER: You've got a job?
JULIA: Yes. I've got a job.
XANDER: No, I'm not getting this. You've got a job?
JULIA: Yes.
ISHMAEL: Congratulations.
JULIA: Thanks.
XANDER: You got a job. But that's impossible. You're Julia. You don't have a job.
JULIA: I do now.
XANDER: But that's like messing with the space-time continuum. The repercussions of this could enormous and possibly dangerous. Do you realise what you have done?
JULIA: No.
XANDER: This single event could possibly tear the fabric of our universe, merging it with a separate universe, which could lead to the destruction of every single living thing that has ever existed.
JULIA: Is it possible that you are slightly over-reacting?
XANDER: No!
ISHMAEL: What's the job?
JULIA: Newspaper writer.
ISHMAEL: Oh, like one of those people who write for a newspaper.
JULIA: (PAUSE) Yes. Like that in the exactly the same kind of way.
XANDER: You've got to quit.
JULIA: But I get paid for doing this. Paid, Xander. Money, moolah, simoleons, the green devil.
XANDER: That's dollars.
JULIA: The point is that I will be able to spend money on the finer things in life. Like alcohol and (PAUSE) more alcohol.
XANDER: That's what you spend your money on now.
JULIA: Yes, but, now I will be able to buy the fancy alcohol. Alcohol that isn't made in Mike's bathroom. No offence.
MIKE: None taken. Personally I find any drink that doesn't have a layer of lime to be slightly disgusting but that's just me. Drink, anyone?
XANDER: Am I the only one who sees the mortal danger that this event has put us all in?
JULIA: Yep.
ISHMAELL: Yep.
MIKE: Yep.
XANDER: I suppose you all think I'm mad?
JULIA: Yep.
ISHMAELL: Yep.
MIKE: Yep.
JULIA: But to be fair we all thought that before.
XANDER: You know what this is? This is like those movies where no one believes what a guy is saying and it turns out that guy was right and everyone gets eaten by a horrible monster, except for the lovable little puppy.
JULIA: So, you're saying we are all going to get eaten by a monster?
XANDER: Yes.
JULIA: Any idea what this monster will look like?
XANDER: I don't know. He'll probably have big green eyes and ooze slime and, oh, when he's angry he'll grow to three times his normal size. And (PAUSE) But you're missing the point.
JULIA: And that is?
XANDER: This job is trouble.
JULIA: Well, I'm keeping it.
XANDER: Well, maybe I don't want to associate with someone who keeps a job.
JULIA: Well, maybe I don't want to associate with someone who won't associate with someone who keeps a job.
XANDER: Fine.
JULIA: Fine.
XANDER: Fine.
JULIA: Fine.
XANDER: Shouldn't you storm off at this point?
JULIA: Oh, yeah. Thanks. (PAUSE) Fine!
[EXIT JULIA]
ISHMAEL: So, what's this monster's name?
XANDER: What?
ISHMAEL: What is the name of this monster? You know, so I know which one it is.
XANDER: (POINTS AT EMPTY PINT GLASS) Are you done with that?
ISHMAEL: Yes.
[XANDER SMASHES THE EMPTY PINT GLASS OVER ISHMAEL'S HEAD]
XANDER: Hey, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah?
XANDER: What's the for sale sign outside for?
MIKE: I'm selling the pub.
XANDER: What? Why?
MIKE: Apparently this Swiss firm want to get a foothold in the British alcohol distribution business and they want my pub.
XANDER: Why your pub? Why not a good pub?
MIKE: Well, they haven't exactly see it yet.
XANDER: So, why are they buying it?
MIKE: Something about me telling them it's the pub equivalent of Harrods'.
XANDER: And they believed you?
MIKE: They didn't not believe me.
XANDER: What does that mean?
MIKE: It's mean that they are coming on Thursday to look round.
XANDER: Won't they see straight away what a complete and utter pile of piss this place is?
MIKE: Don't worry. I have a plan.
XANDER: It's not going to create another cardboard pretend pub, are you?
MIKE: Don't worry. I have a different plan.
SCENE 3
[SETTING: THE VIDEO STORE]
XANDER: All right, there's a customer. Go get their money.
[ISHAMEL WALKS UP TO THE CUSTOMER AND PROCEEDS TO TRY AND ROB
THEM. THE CUSTOMER RUNS AWAY]
XANDER: Okay, what went wrong there?
ISHAMEL: I shouldn't have tried to rob them?
XANDER: No. If you're going to rob them then be subtle about it. However obviously you and subtle don't even share the same postcode so I maybe you should try the traditional approach.
ISHAMEL: Right.
[ENTER CUSTOMER]
XANDER: There's your idiot. I mean customer, I'm always getting that one wrong. Now this time don't rob him.
ISHAMEL: What should I do instead?
XANDER: I don't know. Recommend a movie.
[ISHAMEL NERVOUSLY APPROACHES THE CUSTOMER]
ISHAMEL: Hello. How about watching Plan 9 from Outer Space.
CUSTOMER: The single worst film ever made?
ISHAMEL: I thought it was rather good actually.
CUSTOMER: It's crap.
ISHAMEL: Okay, what about the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
CUSTOMER: Shite.
ISHAMEL: U-571?
CUSTOMER: A disgrace.
ISHAMEL: The Terror of Tiny Town?
CUSTOMER: An abomination.
ISHAMEL: Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death?
CUSTOMER: Saw it last night. Complete tripe.
ISHAMEL: Superman IV, the Quest for Peace?
CUSTOMER: Abhorrence.
ISHAMEL: Rollerball?
CUSTOMER: Original or remake?
ISHAMEL: Remake.
CUSTOMER: Repugnance.
ISHAMEL: Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
CUSTOMER: Movie or television series?
ISHAMEL: Movie.
CUSTOMER: Pants. (PAUSE) What a minute. Let me get this straight. You thought all of those movies were good?
ISHAMEL: Yes.
CUSTOMER: I think you may have the Keanuing.
ISHAMEL: What's that?
CUSTOMER: It's like the Shining but instead of being able to read other people's minds you can instantly pick out a bad movie.
ISHAMEL: What the Shining?
CUSTOMER: (PAUSE) It's where you can read other people's minds.
ISHAMEL: And the Keanuing is?
CUSTOMER: The ability to instantly spot out a bad movie.
ISHAMEL: Uh-huh, and what is the Shining?
CUSTOMER: You can read minds.
ISHAMEL: I see, and the Keanuing…?
CUSTOMER: Bad movies. The Shining means you can read minds and the Keanuing means you can spot bad movies instantly. Shining is reading minds, Keanuing is bad movies. Shining, minds, Keanuing, movies. Minds, movies. Got it?
ISHAMEL: Yes. (PAUSE) And which one do I have?
CUSTOMER: The Keanuing!
ISHAMEL: Oh, right. (PAUSE) And that one is…?
CUSTOMER: Argh! [CUSTOMER JUMPS THROUGH STORE WINDOW]
XANDER: What was his problem?
ISHAMEL: He says I have the Shining.
XANDER: (VOICE IN HIS HEAD) You can read minds?
ISHAMEL: No. I can pick out bad movies.
XANDER: Oh, you mean you have the Keanuing. (PAUSE) The Postman or Man on the Moon?
ISHAMEL: The Postman.
XANDER: So, it is true. This day has long been prophercised.
[XANDER PULLS OUT AN ANCIENT-LOOKING BOOK]
XANDER: (READING) One day a man of extreme stupidity shall enter thine video rental establishment and he shall possess the great gift called the Keanuing, a gift given by the almighty motion picture Gods themselves. He shall be able to advise thine customers which move thee should select not and thou video rental establishment shall prosper. So it is written, so shall it be done. The great video rental establishment Bible, the book of outlandish claims, chapter three, verse one.
[XANDER PUTS AWAY BOOK]
XANDER: So, you're the video rental establishment chosen one? The man with a gift from the motion picture Gods themselves? Go make us a cup of tea.
SCENE 4
[SETTING: THE VIDEO STORE]
[AN UNSPECIFIED AMOUNT OF TIME LATER]
[ENTER JULIA]
JULIA: You're a complete and utter bastard! You know that, right?
XANDER: Yep.
JULIA: Are you going to do something about it?
XANDER: Nope. (PAUSE) You done?
JULIA: Yep.
XANDER: Right. Have you seen the new car that rich git across the street is driving?
JULIA: You mean, the Modeo with no wheels?
XANDER: No, that's my car.
JULIA: Why does it have no wheels?
XANDER: Because someone thought the car would look better without the wheels. Or they thought the wheels would look better without the car. Either way I got screwed.
JULIA: I thought that only happened on leap years.
XANDER: Yes, well, anyway my point was (PAUSE) I'm sure I had a point.
JULIA: You were being jealous of an upwardly mobile person who is vastly superior to you in every single aspect of life.
XANDER: Yeah, that sounds like me.
JULIA: Hey, where's Ishamel?
XANDER: Who?
JULIA: You're new assistant.
XANDER: Oh, yeah, I sent him out to get some teabags.
JULIA: (SURPRISED) Is the teabag cupboard empty?
XANDER: In a manner of speaking.
[JULIA OPENS A CUPBOARD TO REVEAL IT IS STACKED FULL OF INDIVIDUAL TEABAGS]
XANDER: No, it is not.
JULIA: (PAUSE) Anyway, I came in for a reason.
XANDER: Let me guess, you got fired and you came in here to beg on your hand and knees for my forgiveness?
JULIA: Remind me not to vote fro you, for anything, ever. And I didn't get fired.
XANDER: What did you get?
JULIA: Negatively prompted.
XANDER: Demoted?
JULIA: Sure, if you want to label it. But it's really a good thing.
XANDER: How?
JULIA: I'm now the newspaper's movie critic.
XANDER: That doesn't sound much of a demotion.
JULIA: Yeah, it is. Only the complete journalistic failures are given the movie critic job.
XANDER: I knew it!
JULIA: It does mean that I get paid to watch movies and the hours are great.
XANDER: Sounds like I missed my true calling. Do you think they would hire me over you?
JULIA: I suppose it means that there is no way I'm ever going to get out of here and that this sad and desolate dump with be my eventual graveyard.
XANDER: Yeah, but, it's also going to be my eventual graveyard.
[BOTH BECOME MISERABLE]
[ENTER ISHAMEL]
ISHAMEL: I got them.
XANDER: Put them in the cupboard.
[ISHAMEL OPENS THE CUPBOARD AND ALL THE TEABAGS FALL ON HIM]
ISHAMEL: Hey! This cupboard is full of teabags!
XANDER: Exactly.
ISHAMEL: (CONFUSED) (PAUSE) Okay.
XANDER: Drink?
JULIA: Sure.
SCENE 5[SETTING: THE PUB]
XANDER: So, you're going to sell in the end?
MIKE: No. Apparently the Swiss are very scared of rats, especially large ones. You wouldn't think that possible in a nation where every adult male is given a machine gun.
JULIA: Maybe they're compensating for something.
XANDER: Or maybe Mike has finally disproved the mythical connection between gun ownership and rodent inscareability.
ISHMAEL: Oh, I get it. The cupboard was full of teabags. (PAUSE) Oh, wait, (PAUSE) Nope. I almost had it there for a minute.
XANDER: (TO MIKE) Can I get three more pints here, Mike? (TO JULIA AND ISHAMEL) What do you want?
THE END