This fic is pure satire

This fic is pure satire. Any resemblance to characters or persons real or fictitious is pure coincidence. If you wish you to use this story on another website, be sure to ask my permission first. I hope you enjoy what you read!

~Lady Croft~ ([email protected])

Knight Time

Dexter fell off his horse for the eighth time while trying to ride back to the castle.

"Dex! You ninny! You'll never be a knight!" Dex's twin brother Johnson said.

Dex had wanted to be a knight all his life. As a little boy, he dreamed of horses and jousting tournaments. He never knew anything else! Now that he was Johnny's squire he was finally living out his life-long dream…. more or less.

Dex picked himself up off the ground and coughed up a dandelion. "I know what I'm doing, John."

Johnson snorted, but said nothing.

As Dex was dusting himself off, he heard a scream coming from the bushes nearby.

"John! A damsel in distress! We have to save her!"

Johnson turned his horse back to the path. "Screw that! We're late as it is! Mom will kill us for being late for supper for the THIRD TIME!" With that remark, he galloped down the path, leaving Dexter to his own demise.

Dexter saw his brother gallop toward the castle. Idiot, he thought. When I save the damsel, I'll get the reward and he'll be begging me to tell him my story when I'm king, and he's my royal boot polisher! He turned his trusty horse Gertrude toward the sound, and bravely plowed through the bush.

Meanwhile, Princess Catherine was wandering through the forest, brooding over her arranged marriage to Johnson the Knight. She thought he was a pompous, arrogant momma's boy! Just then, a snake crossed her path ten feet in front of her. Being the feminine princess she was, she screamed. The snake winced and slithered away, hoping that Catherine wouldn't come any closer.

"Don't worry fair damsel! I'll-"


Catherine winced as she a tree branch whack her "rescuer" across his face, throwing him off his horse. He landed on the ground with an unhealthy sounding "THUD". His horse stopped a few feet away, grazing on a patch of moss.

Cathy woke up the stranger by sprinkling water from her water bottle onto his face.

"Oh my God! No! Help! Please! I'm drowning! I don't want to die!" The stranger yelped.

"Shut up! You're not drowning! Johnson, I knew you were an idiot, but-"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Dex piped up. "I'm Dexter, not Johnson. We're twins, you know."

"Oh! I'm sorry!" Cathy apologized. "I guess you're not an idiot then. I'm supposed to marry Johnson."

"Great.." Dex muttered under his breath. "It's just like Johnson to marry a hot chick like her…"

"Excuse me?" Cathy hadn't heard a word he'd said.

"Umm..nothing. Say, I didn't get your name?"

"It's Catherine." She blushed. "Princess Catherine." She smiled deviously. "And you're cute!"

"Thanks!" Dex said, "But this story is rated 'PG' so let's not get carried away." Dex picked himself up off the ground and hopped on Gertrude, who had been chewing on Catherine's dress. "Let's get back to the castle before we're missed."

"Yeah. I'm hungry. Let's go get something to eat."

At the sound of food, Gertrude took off, full speed ahead. Dex tugged on the reigns desperately. Gertrude stopped, pitching Dex over her head and down a nearby cliff she stopped in front of. Dex grabbed onto a root that was protruding over the side. Catherine, rolling her eyes, grabbed a vine from the woods and helped him up.

"I meant to do that!" Dex piped up. "It was a test…Yeah! A test…" Then he passed out. Catherine just smiled.

* * * *

Johnson was chopping wood at home when he saw a woman leading a horse with a knocked out man on it.

"Cathy? Dex? That little twerp! Trying to steal MY girlfriend!" Scowling, he dropped his axe (on his foot, mind you) and paraded off to the main castle, swearing vengeance among other unknightly things.

* * * *

King Bob was sitting on his throne wondering if he should wear his blue suit or his purple one for the party he was going to when Johnson burst through the doors, knocking over the king's two best guards.

"What is it, Johnson? War?" Bob inquired.

"Worse, your Royal Highness! A kidnapper!" Johnson said. "He got your daughter but I clubbed him and he's out cold on his horse! I can't believe my brother would do such a thing!" John babbled.

"Your brother? Dexter? But he's such a nice boy…"

"That's what I thought too your Royal Excellency! And to think," the twin scoffed, "that I am to marry your daughter and the jerk goes and kidnaps her. Sheesh!"

"You know, I DID notice that he was SORT OF a bad kid…" Bob commented. "Execute him by decapitation…I guess." He added, chewing on his thumbnail. Johnson just nodded slyly.

* * * *

Dexter woke up in a cold cell with two guards watching him.

"He doesn't look like a kidnapper…" One guard said.

"They never do. Didn't your mother ever tell you that?" the other guard commented.

"I thought.."

"Don't think and deal already, Hector!" The guard cursed. They were playing poker, Dex could tell because Hector had lost his shirt and the guard had already won Hector's sword as well. That gave Dex an idea.

"Yo!" The prisoner said. "Mind if I play?"

Hector looked at Dex a long moment then said, "Should we let him play, Luke?"

"We shouldn't, but we will. Whatcha got to bet?" Luke glared.

"My belt. But you gotta bet your keys." Dex said.

"Since you aren't going to win, it's a deal." Luke said arrogantly.

I won't bother you with the details but, as we all know (or anticipated) Dex won Luke's keys, shirt, chain mail armor, and socks.

Luke, true to his word, let Dex out, grumbling about what a cheater the squire was.

"The guy is a jerk. A lucky, lucky jerk…" Luke muttered, shivering. It was cold in the dungeon without a shirt.

"Luke, we can just let him go! We have to catch him!" Hector protested.

"You know what? You're right!" Luke slapped himself on the forehead. "He was so charming and deceptive that it never crossed my mind! Let's go!" The two guards ran up the stairs in pursuit of the lucky, lucky prisoner.

* * * *

Dex was on a mission. He had to clear his name and declare his love for the fair Princess Catherine. That's right folks, you heard me right. He was doing a lot of thinking during that poker game (he was bluffing by the way) and he found out that he was indeed in love with the king's daughter.

Dex stopped at the road and looked both ways before he crossed it, just like his mother always told him to when he was a little knight wannabe. He started to cross when he tripped and fell on his untied shoelaces. Just as he was getting up, he saw the white of the king's two finest horses returning from a royal party of some sort. That was the last thing he knew, for he was trampled to death. Yes, Dexter was dead… *Passes out tissues*

Luke and Hector saw the whole thing from the road.

"The guy died!" Luke gaped. "This is going to cost me my promotion!"

"What promotion?" Hector glared. "You're already captain of the Dungeon Squad!"

"Shut up! We can't tell the king that's Dexter or WE will be the ones on the chopping block tomorrow!" Luke said. The poor guy was in hysterics.

Then, at that very moment, that very unlucky moment, Johnson waltzed around the corner, whistling a tune. He didn't look too guilty that he just stabbed his brother in the back.

"There!" Luke said, pointing at Johnson. "Let's just take him!" They ran off and clubbed Johnson unconscious, dragging him back to the dungeon.

* * * *

Catherine knew Dex was dead. She cried and shut herself up in her room and cried some more.

King Bob thought his daughter was mourning over Johnson's death. After all, Dex was in the dungeon, ready to be executed, right? Oh well, the king thought, there was another prince the next town over that needed marrying. She would be married one way or another. Either way, she'd be out of his hair…what little hair he had left, anyway.

* * * *

"You can't do this! I'm Johnson! Stop this at once!" John yelled as Luke and Hector placed him on the chopping block. "If you don't stop this, I'm telling!"

"Shut up you sissy! It won't hurt if you don't squirm!" Luke growled. He was still mad because Dex had run off with his shirt.

"But I'm John-" And off went his head. Luke breathed a sigh of relief. So he was going to keep his job after all. In the background, Luke heard his guardmate mutter, "That's not a way to get ahead in life…"

"No, I suppose not…." Luke responded. He had to get home and explain to his wife why he lost his best shirt.


And that is that. This is my first fic posted so any constructive criticism is appreciated.