The Ticket to Smartification

I read somewhere that if you put your index finger and thumb up each of your nostrils and blow really hard you can get smarter.

But what if your nose was so big that you couldn't cover it up all the way though? What if your nose was so big that you could stuff your entire hands and legs but it still had extra room? Then it would defeat the point of the exercise and would just leave you with mucousey arms and legs.

And what if your nose was too small? Suppose it was so small that you couldn't fit anything in there? And suppose it kept shrinking?

Just what would you do then? You wouldn't be able to breathe and then you would die. And since you died without being able to stuff your two fingers in each nostril and blow, you would die stupid.

If you were to die stupid, would you be really be able to know that you died? And if you didn't know that you had died, you would be floating around as a ghost.

What if all the foolish people in the world always became ghosts?

Well… since the whole world is stupid, the world must be overflowing with ghosts. But we can never see the ghosts so we can't be for sure. However, if one invented some funky-ghost-seeing-glasses, we would be able to spot them all!

And if we saw them, we would probably see them everywhere. There are so many of them, I'm sure some have flown out of the Earth's atmosphere (because ghosts, having no physical body, are not bound to the laws of physics, such as gravity, for instance) to float all the way to Mars. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we cannot find life on Mars!

Mars is just filled with specters that are too dumb to know they're dead.

So basically, if you are unable to put your index finger and thumb up each of your nostril and blow, then you will die stupid. You will become a ghost who will not know that he or she is dead and you will fly off to Mars.