Azrael Has His Say
Essay One: In Which The Creation Story Is Explained and Corrected


I suppose you'll want me to start at the beginning; most people seem to prefer it. I'll begin this particular recount by saying that the Christian Bible has it all wrong. It never ceases to amaze me, that book. I'll set the record straight, point by point, if you don't mind a little boring history. Then again, if you've never heard it, I suppose it's all new news to you and you'll probably enjoy it.
While I usually hate to start with a shocker, I think you should know right off that God didn't create the world. Consciously, at least. I don't know how the Bible sources got their information but it went something more along the lines of God thinking His deep otherworldly thoughts and stumbling upon the Earth. It was suddenly just there, this spinning world capable of certain types of life. We angels were little more than Gregori then - choirs of beings who mostly floated around. At that point I think we were probably unisex, conscious balls of light, to put it very, very simply.
But I'm off the topic. God did create Adam, that much IS quite true, but nobody called him Adam until English was developed. To the rest of us he was just Man, because well... there was only one. And not to burst your bubbles again, but the Garden of Eden? A fancy name for the Earth. Has it never occurred to you that, despite God's boundless powers, all the animals and plants in the world couldn't fit in just one garden? Surely you realize that all the biomes wouldn't fit in a single tropic zone. The poor penguins would have been very ill, I'd imagine. At any rate, Adam and Eve were supposedly the first people in the world. Another misconception.
Lilith was Adam's first wife. She's fairly well known by pagans, or so I hear. God created her especially for Adam, as a sort of balance for the world, because while Adam jumped at God's command, Lilith didn't. Her free will led her to be one of the greatest bitches I have ever come across, and I have met some very nasty people. Adam finally had it out with her when she told him that she wanted to play dominatrix to him. Adam was flat out mad and told her to leave his sight, which she did, gladly. She's since become the mother of all the Lilim, who are wretchedly motivated creatures but, I have to say, better behaved than my own Azraelim. And no, I didn't name them. I'm not egocentric.
Then God made the mistake of creating Adam's second wife before his waking eyes, dust to bone to organ to muscle to skin and hair, and Adam was so disgusted that he ignored the poor girl completely. Bit of a prick, Adam was. The girl died of heartbreak and returned to dust.
And THEN God got smart, put Adam to sleep, and created Eve, who the Catholics should be very proud of. She ended up being too subservient, too nice, too... what is it... Girl-Scouty? Adam wasn't fond of her, but he was finally realizing that maybe he wasn't such a great guy to put up with, and he should stop bitching to God before he got uncreated and returned to dust himself. He ended up in Heaven, though, once Heaven came around.
All right, I still have to make a very important point here. There was no snake. Nothing. No talking creature of the sort. Satan simply didn't exist. At the time of the fall of Man and the third Woman, Lucifel was still Lucifel and he was one of the closest things we had to a ball of light with a form that was something more than a ball. He'd never touched Earth. He didn't want anything to do with it. He just kept whatever he had for a mouth flapping open day in and day out and sang praises to Our Lord And Savior, The God Of All He Accidentally Found One Day. Of course we all did it, but Lucifel was right under God's Holy Bum, singing away like there was no tomorrow.
But the Bible makes another mistake when it decides to blame Eve for eating the apples, which weren't even apples. They were marijuana leaves! Okay? Marijuana leaves; who knows why the Catholics never mention THAT. They were God's private stash of hash, the All Holy Reefer, and all that jazz. Adam decided he was going to get his buzz on from the All Holy Reefer because the marijuana he had access to would probably pale in comparison. He smoked the All Holy Reefer, and Eve only got dragged into it because she was stuck sitting next to him, and she inhaled the smoke. Obviously they got a little high, they saw some cool colors that they'd never seen before; I think it was aquamarine and robin's egg blue. They had a bad trip, got bummed, and never listened to God again because they were paranoid, and thought he'd tricked them on purpose. Way to go, Man and third Woman.
Honestly.