Breakup


This is affection--
what it looks like,
tastes like,
feels like
rolling off your tongue
down your skin
from your eyes;
this is the red-black
throwback
of love,
the sick grey-green
unseen
like blood,
like slow poison.

This is what
you gave to me;
this is what
I welcomed.

What happened?

It's not the betrayal
that bothers me--
the backstab,
the turnaround,
the but-sweetie-I-love-you.
It's the lies,
the lies
you fool!
Did you think
I wasn't in this for pain,
for suffering--
did you think
sadism,
masochism,
all those nasty blood
fetishes only ran
skin deep?
Did I come over
that shallow?
No no,
it's the whiplash
the downcrash
the mistrust
the dreamdust
being scattered to the wind--

I trusted you!
I believed in you.
I did what you asked me to.
So why this--
why the one thing I could never
have lived through?

You couldn't have told me
about that other girl
when I asked?
By name?
Would I have minded?
No!
She's a sweet thing,
angel wing
toxicandy poppy ring:
I love her to pieces!
If you did too,
you could have told me.
If you wanted her more,
you could have told me.

Instead of just. . .

No.

Did you know when I called you,
last month on your birthday?

'Why' is the thing,
the question,
the answer
the skintape--
why the deception,
why the cold
heartrape?
I spilled out my
soul to you,
you knew it
would burn!
You knew I hated
liars,
or did you hear
but not learn?

This
is True Love
pretty,
my One and my
Only;
the story isn't over yet,
you don't leave me lonely.
My knight in shining armor?
Yeah. 
You don't get to quit.
It's a full time job,
for life--
you have tenure,
a contract,
sold your soul
for the contact;
told me I could keep you,
you can't have
that oath back.

This
is affection--
what it looks like,
tastes like,
feels like
when I put my arms
around you again
and my fingers in
your skin again;
tongue
eyes
skin
lips
lies
sin.
This
is the real thing
that cannot be
broken with simple
word-tokens;
the red-black
throwback,
the grey-green
unseen of
poison,
of slow blood
of bondage-tape
nightlove
(we never once touched
but that's still what it was)
and I smiled
and I laughed
and I loved you
you ass
and you cannot,
I won't let you
take those things
back.

I will break down
this breakup,
I'll kill her
we'll make up--
and all will be right dear,
yes all will clear.

I won't
give you back.



7-2003