Lamenting

I sat on the cushion soft bed looking around, seeing the objects that remind me of her. I clutch the petite teddy that she gave me, holding it with all my strength, pretending it is she. I lean back against the wall as my salt tears make their way down my cheeks. I take in deep breaths. My quivering does not come to an end.

I hurt her.

I squeeze the teddy more tightlu. I close my eyes and I am refrained back to my dreams that I have of her. The image of her plastered in my head once again as I bring myself back to the fantasies. I can almost smell the scent of her luscious hair. I can almost feel the softness of her lips and taste her. I can almost feel her arms wrapped around her body and me pushed up against mine. And last, I can hear her gentle and proper voice. The tone and soothing way of her British accent make me feel content. All my thoughts of her don through my mind.

I can hear her babble and sweet talk to me.

I open my eyes again, my mind wanders off to emptiness. I glance down at my right hand resting on a pillow. Her silver ring is placed on my finger. I remember once that her silver necklace is around my neck, I take the chain off and stare at it for moments.

She always showers me with cute gifts.

But this deficiency, will it ever come to a full conclusion? I ponder over the wonders of what it's like to be held lovingly. She is my mother, like my only mother. She will protect me from all evil in the world. Why could I not adapt to all of this before? I am her little girl, she protects my heart, my soul.

She is my everything.

Tears are staining my cheeks, I try to stop crying but I cannot. I feel I could cry an ocean by the time she comes to rescue me and take me away from all this misery. I thrash my hand against the wall, I clench my fists and bang harder until my fingers begin to bleed. I sigh heavily as I plunge headfirst in the pillows, sobbing.

My tears fall over and over again.

I lay there feeling numb and lifeless, wondering if her and I can build a heaven of our own. Not to take our own lives like we have attempted to before, I mean to find a place, far away, on our own. Maybe if we searched long and hard enough, we would find it. I wish I could be with her, no hassles or harms, or too many obstacles to climb.

Emotionless.

My tears being to stop as I laugh silently to myself. What was I laughing for? Maybe because I am a complete distraught wreck? No.it was her sweet giggle, resounding and echoing in my faltering mind. Her caring heart, so beautiful, I started to feel goosebumps and tingles rise inside of me.

Her voice, sweet voice painted on my brain.

I sat back in another daze and stupor of her again. I could visualize myself crying into her chest as she strokes my hair while I rest my head lightly upon her soft and tender breasts. She pulls me down to the bed and covers our bodies up with several blankets. She kept on whispering "I love you." and "Shhhh baby, cry all you need to, let it all out." I sob even louder against her chest, she holds me tighter the louder I become. This time she calms me down by kissing me passionately and forcefully. I moan into her mouth as I parted my lips against hers. We lay there together, kissing so passionately.

I do not want the kiss to end.

I snap out of my daydream. I cry again because she was not here with me. I wish that when I roll over, she would be in bed with me and I could see her pretty face smiling back at me. Her beauty kept reflecting in my mind and it makes me scream. Why couldn't she just be here with me, like my mother, and beautiful lover. I pulled the covers over my head and took deep breaths. My mind traveled back to the pain and guilt. I never wanted to hurt her, never.

I love her.

May 2nd 2002

---The end.