Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.
- Martin Luther King
I don't believe in love.
I never really believed that you could trust someone who claims to love you 'like that'. You try growing up in a family where 9 out of 10 are divorced and see how much faith you have left in 'true love conquers all'.
True love is bullshit. Sweet fluffy bullshit, but bullshit none the less.
But as I said you can't trust a lover. They will cheat on you. They will tell you that you are beautiful and laugh at you behind you're back. They will make fun of you with their friends while you're running around being hopelessly devoted to them. They will desert you when they see fit. They will share your most intimate secrets with whoever they want. With a lover you are vulnerable. Lovers are the people who can hurt you the most. They can break you with a word out of their mouth and shape you with a movement of their hand. They will make you love them all-comsumingly and they will give you nothing in return.
I've never liked the words 'I love you'. You can't trust them. I say them to my family and my friends and that's it. That doesn't leave me vulnerable.
In movies and songs they're okay. In real life you can't say them to someone you're not directly related to without them sounding soppy.
There's a couple in school. I envy them. I'm in that I-want-a-boyfriend-but-I-really-don't-want-a-boyfriend period, where you want somebody to love you but you also want to be able to tell him to go away if that's what you want.
But that couple I like...
Everybody else is disgusting. Running around making puppy eyes at each other, kissing in the hallways, being consumed by each other.
I've never seen them kiss. I think that's part of the appeal. They never kiss in public. They hold hands in a discreet friendly way. Thinking about it now I'm not exactly sure how I knew they were a couple I just did; everybody did.
Maybe I did see them kiss at some point? If I did I've forgotten. And that's okay. Most of the time I like to keep my illusions.
I sometimes imagine myself in a relationship like that. I quickly abandone it. The image of someone kissing me is revolting. I'm too ugly. Not fit for a realtionship. I have basically accepted that I will never be in a relationship.
At one point it stopped bothering me.
But it's stupid of course. I'll find someone who is on my level.
I'm ugly. I'm stupid. I'm too stubborn for my own good. I'm disgusting and revolting and I truly can't imagine anybody kissing me without becoming physically ill.
Never been kissed. I've never been fit for kissing. I'm the kinda girl guys look at and go 'man, she's a good friend.' Not that it isn't flattering but still...
Most of the time I choose not to think about it.
'Not thinking about it won't make it go away.'
Stupid mental voices.
I actually sometimes look for the couple. I watch them every time I meet them. I want them to kiss. I don't know why. Maybe I do want them to ruin my illusions after all. How can anyone be perfect?
I saw him kiss her cheek. It was warm. His kiss, not her cheek. I've never felt her cheek. I always was a sucker for warmness. They aren't like any other couple. Once I saw a guy kiss his girlfriend 10 times in 3 minutes. I think I rolled my eyes each time. That was in a 'you're my girlfriend' kinda way. Not warm at all.
But he is gorgeous. Not a typical Adonis but absolutely fucking gorgeous. I love looking at him. He is in my gym class and I watch him in his tank top running and sweating. I don't like the sweat. His hair is long. Long and wavy and perfect. I want hair like that. He has glasses too. Small and with a black rim.
His girlfriend is blond and very into school activities. I never was. I want to, sure, but I just never felt I had the time or the strength to care that much about school.
My grades are good though.
Probably because I focuse my energy on homework instead.
There is a goth too. He's hilarious. I never talked to him but I hear him talk to other people and he is priceless.
He has arms like spaghetti, hair like Salma Hayek's and a pallor like a vampire but I love his face. He has glasses too. He actually looks a little like the other guy. Guy 2, so to speak. I know his name.
I never talked to any of them. But then again I never talked to any of the guys I fancied.
One guy finished school in my first year. He was perfect. Still is, probably. He looked kinda like Lance from Nsync. Only this guy was real. I spent a good deal of that year just staring at him. I was swooning.
My heart started beating faster when I walked past him in the hallway. Until that year I had never fully realized how much you could learn about a person without talking to them.
He had a girlfriend. They all have actually. Except maybe the goth, I don't know about him. But everybody else.
The last one I had my eyes on has long hair too. Brown. He is also the only one with a beard. He has the nicest eyes of the lot of them. They are small but warm and gentle. He is also the one my friends claim had taken a liking to me because he looked at me with 'lights in his eyes' (her words).
I laughed it off and didn't believe it.
I could date him. He is cute but not beautiful. I wouldn't feel I was soiling any beauty by dating him. I always felt like that with the others.
A couple of girls in school are cute too. I wouldn't date them. I've always thought that teenage girls are hysterical and silly. I still think that despite the fact that I am a teenage girl.
Guys are much more relaxed. Unfortunately they are much more focused on looks too when it comes to relationships so I would never stand a chance. But that's okay, I probably aren't ready anyway.
We do have a lesbian couple in school. I've never seen them kiss either. Just hold hands. One of the girls from my class saw them kiss in the lunch line. She nearly wet her pants. It was pretty funny listening to her talking. Even though she was a bitch about it.
Sometimes I'm desperate. The only thing a guy has to do to catch my eye is talk to me. No one ever did that. At least no one with a dick. I'm probably not worth the trouble anyway.
I used to hate it when my parents told me I was pretty. Still does. What is it they say; Love turns people blind. Well, that goes for parents too.
I'm not fucking pretty.
I'm not anything.
I love that.
Loving me is a waste of time.My parents are divorced. I can't remember a time when they were happy. My mom've told me that they were for the first five years. I was born after 10. Don't you just hate that?
My mom's engaged, my dad's married. They live 300 kilometers apart. I'm never gonna feel whole again. The worst part is I can't do anything at all. It's my fault anyway.
Not that they got divorced. Heavens know they should have been divorced a good while back. But that my mom moved. If only I'd chosen-if only I'd said-If only I'd done-ifonlyifonlyifonly.
I still cry myself asleep at night.
Pathetic, right? 17 years old and I cry for my mommy. I miss her. Even when I'm with her I miss her.
I miss her in advance, that's what my mom's fiance thinks. Hug her in advance too.
My dad's okay. His wife too. When they're in a good mood. When they're in a bad mood (which they conveniently are at the same time mostly) they could wipe the smile of the face of that cat from Alice in Wonderland. I can't remember what it's called. Cheshire cat, isn't that it?
My brother's in the military. He cut his hair. It's like 2 mm. I'm never getting used to that hair. I miss him too.
I hate my self-pity. I do that a lot. Sit somewhere moping, pitying myself until I think I'm annoying.
It's stupid. Especially considering that I have anything the heart could want. I have food in my belly, a bed, a house, clothes and a family.
It's everything anyone could ever want.
I'm overweight. Not fat but I'm so overweight that people can't mistake it for baggy clothes. I've big bones too. I'm never gonna look like a lady. When I was 12 I had broader shoulders than most boys my age.
I don't think anybody noticed but myself.
I've never thought that I am mentally healthy. No one is. That's just a thing people will have to accept. It is highly unlikely our planet is the only planet with life on it, yes, humans are animals no matter how much you want to deny it and most people probably aren't really right in their heads.
But I'm proud to say that I've never considered suicide. I've heard that most teenagers at some point consider killing themselves but I never did; no sir. It's stupid isn't it. Being proud of the fact that you've never wanted to kill yourself. It says more about the world than it says about me. It's the same when it comes to the fact that we have awards for being tolerant.
Christina Aguilera won an award for showing two guys kissing in her video for Beautiful.
'Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?' - Ernest Gaines – Tabby.
I guess you can't tell but I'm usually an optimist.
You seem okay.
I've been better than okay, Jones.