Title: Pretty Words

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: The song, 'Taking Over Me' belongs to the group Evanescence. The rest is copyright Crazywriter.

Summary: Songfic to Evanescence's 'Taking Over Me'. Hints of Femslash, but no gender specified. "Some words are not strong enough, like love. Some words do not mean enough, I'm sorry. And some words… some words aren't long enough… like forever. Sometimes… no words can describe."

Dedication: For Adam, for encouraging me to finish, and to finish honestly, and for his unconditional love and support. Thanks, Adam, I love you so much, like a brother. I have so much love for you- you've done so much for me.

And also this to you, you know who you are.

And this is also dedicated to the Baby Jesus, Alan Alda, Vanna White, and my family, who never was cool enough to die of anything like syphilis, but who I love anyway.

I always thought it would different, you know? You in love with me, not me in love with you. After all, I was me… and you were just… how was it you put it? Some whiny overly-depressed little girl? Yeah, that's what you were, you know, and I was Mick. Big and strong. Taking care of everyone. Selfless.

Selfless. What a lie. I was selfless only because I had no self. I made other people my self. And like everyone else who does that, from the person on the street who's everyone's therapist, to Mother Theresa, eventually I was doomed to succumb to weariness. And succumb I have.

My hands were always rough, you know? Rough, the kind people always wanted to examine. Cracked and calloused. And why shouldn't they have been? I was a technician, a carpenter, an outdoorsman. My passions were as rough as my hands. But did you really ever know what my passions were? Did you ever learn enough about me to know that? Or did I exist to you just to make your life easier- to be there for you? Do you remember anything about me? The words I chose to use, the way I laughed, the way I held onto you, long after I should have.

The way I kind of, sort of, in my own strange way… loved you.

But you should have remembered that. Because I was more honest about that then I've ever been about anything else in my life.

you don't remember me but i remember you
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you

Yeah, I didn't figure you would remember… sometimes I feel you never really knew me, but then I figure you probably did- you just chose to ignore it. I don't know. I guess I think about it too much lately. Me, you, what could have been. I think about it a lot.

Sleepless nights, you know. I've gotten pretty used to them. Laying there, stiff on my back, staring at the ceiling, thinking. Trying not to think. Muttering the words, sleep, under my breath, all the time, really just thinking about you.

Sweat on the sheets. Cold sweats, you know how it goes. Shivering under a comforter, even though I should be hot- the air conditioner broke two weeks ago. The room's dark and on the wall and ceiling crawl giant, imaginary spiders that don't exist anywhere else but in my head- you're one of the spiders. Scampering through my mind, even though you know you don't belong there. Trying so hard to fall asleep- to dream about anything. Usually about you.

but who can decide what they dream?

and dream i do...

Dreaming of you. Happens every night, dreams of what could have happened, would have happened, should have happened. I play so many scenarios out in my head. So many. There's this one where I'm standing on your porch- I don't even remember if you had a porch- but I'm standing there, and you're standing. And you were sixteen, and I was seventeen, or maybe I was sixteen too, it was a just a dream. And I remember, you looked angry, and I said the thing I've been saying all along, the thing I meant so bad. "You know, I kind of love you." And then you said… you said, "So?"

Of course, it was just a dream. I can't say that's how it would have played out. After all, I know there was a part of you that really, really believed you loved me back. And I think there's also a part of you that knows that your really, really don't.

But you think you do. I suppose that counts for something. You almost loved me. I'm certain that counts for something.

No, it doesn't. Almost doesn't count.

You almost made me believe. Almost.

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me

I wanted to tell you once, that no matter what happened, you must think of me at my best,

you must remember me as I was. I always liked the way it sounded. It's quote, you know, but of course you don't. It's from David Copperfield. Not many people know it- I'm a Dickens' nut after all. Not many people are. My life is a Dickens novel. Tale of Two Cities. Best of times, worst of times. Like me and you.

But it's a quote, and Steerforth says it to David. Steerforth dies in the book. But I liked the way it sound. And the fact is, no matter what happens- you must remember me as I was. I don't think I could stand it if you didn't.

Because I am not as I was. I have changed- perhaps I am a better man now. I sincerely doubt it though. Because sometimes, not always, just sometimes… I look in the mirror, and if I look hard enough, I can see you in me. I can see where you left your mark.

When I'm with another woman, I know my lips still taste of you, and I know in a way, they always will. You left a mark on me. And it's burned so deep into my flesh that I know, there will always be some of you in me.

Have you forgotten all i know
And all we had?

I thought for a long time that the mark you left on me would fade. That someday I wouldn't feel you inside me. But I know better now. You're with me. And you will be with me until the day I die. I never believed in the word forever, and sometimes, I still don't think I do. But some things are forever, and sadly… you and I are forever. There will always be something there.

But what does it mean? I wrote you a letter. I don't know if you ever really read it. I realize now, you read what you wanted to read, not what was actually written. But I don't know if that matters. Because I meant every word on the paper. But sometimes… no words can describe. Some words are not strong enough, like love. Some words do not mean enough, I'm sorry. And some words… some words aren't long enough… like forever. Sometimes… no words can describe.

And some words… some words mean just enough… like the word "forget".

And maybe I have. I can see in your eyes, you have. And when I see that in your eyes, I know I haven't. I envy you- you got to forget. I never will.

You saw me mourning my love for you
And touched my hand
I knew you loved me then

You brought out emotions in me that I never felt from anyone else. Emotions that I honestly didn't know what to do with. I knew I loved you for so long. I knew it. And it scared the fuck out of me. Yeah, wasn't used to being scared.

And yeah, wasn't used to being mad. Wasn't used to slamming my fist into the door of my truck when you let me down one more time. When you led me along so blissfully, telling me your sweet words. Such sweet words anyone would fall head over heels for you. But sweet words and false promise and flowery flattery- it never lasts.

Besides, some love is fickle, and so are you. Some angels are shoved, and some choose to fall. And sometimes I'm not Abel, and you're not Cain. But you and I always are. We know our roles. And sometimes, your love lasts.

Just not for me.

You saw what your love did to me. It destroyed me in the end. Your sick brand of love. I remember it. I remember the way it made lose control. It… it made different. I lost part of myself. It tore down my defense and left me exposed, vulnerable for the world to see. To be honest, I felt naked. Because your love… it… you… you were changing me.

Though I don't know if it was a bad change. I told the first girl who came after you, who I left when I saw your face in her eyes, I told her… maybe I'm better off broken.

She didn't believe it. But I do.

I like the way I broken. I don't want it fixed just yet.

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me

You tell me such pretty words again, but they're not about me. You've given your heart to another, a worthier candidate. That's not bitter, please, believe it's not. She did that which I could not do. She saved you. I never could, so I realize she's more worthy of your love. She did that which I simply could not.

And I don't blame you for your pretty words. I spew pretty words at girls too now. I learned from you. Funny thing is, I was the one between us who always got so many girls. The one who was never lonely, never went too long without sex. And you're the one who taught me what pretty words to say- because like I said, you say such pretty words that anyone would fall head over heels. It works. Whatever works. That's what I've started to believe.

There was a time I believed that you should seduce someone's mind before you seduce their body, but not I just cut to the chase. Whatever works. After all, when I look at the girls whose minds I seduced, I see you in them. I see you in her. And then there was the other girl, who I should have loved. Because she was everything you weren't. But I didn't love her. Everyone thought I did… you even thought I did. As though that bland, trite, dull, pointless feeling I felt for her was anything like what I still feel for you.

You ask me if I have ever been so in love that it hurts to breathe.

I think you know the answer.

And sometimes I wonder if you feel guilt for what happened. Yeah, I really wonder about that. Do you still feel guilt for it? I feel guilty for it. I do. I loved you, and it was wrong of me to. I loved someone who didn't… who I could never be with in the end. You know that. I know that. It just wasn't meant to be. And I tried so hard not to be in love with you but… it didn't really work out.

So do you still feel it? Do you think it's wrong. Do you lie awake at night?

No, I didn't think so.

I look in the mirror and see your face
If i look deep enough...
So many things inside that are just like you are taking over

You. Never. Loved. Me.

I feel it my veins this time. I feel it in every word ever spoken. The truth resounds in them now, and I feel the pain and rage and hurt and anger and love and tears all bubbling to the surface again, and I throw the phone across the room, and the stack of papers, words I was never meant to write, falls to the floor. I can see you in me, I can feel you inside of me. And I know you're inside of me, and I know you always will be. And I can feel the tears on my face and the ragged edge in my voice, and I punch the wall. I succumb. Again.

And I don't have a reason to feel this way. You. Don't. Love. Me. You may think you do, but you don't, we both know this. And it's okay. You can stop lying. It's okay that you don't love me.

You can't help how you don't feel. And neither can I.

And that's what it comes down to in the end. In my heart I can hear your pretty words, and I ache to believe them, as I once did before. But you're inside me now. I always believed that no matter what, you couldn't get inside me. But you could get inside me. And it's forever.

And because I can feel you, and I can feel your emptiness and your pain, you've been bruised and broken and used. The same way I am, from your soft hands.

No matter what happens, you must remember me as I was, at my best. I will do the same for you, though I don't know if I ever saw you at your best. Perhaps I shall create a false illusion of you. At your best. Eyes shining, that soft little noise you used to make when you were content. Perhaps I shall remember these things and nothing else. But you must promise me, remember me at my best. Remember me when I thought I was in love with you.

Because that's what it comes down to. Love. I don't want you loving me, and I don't think I love you either. I thought I did, God almighty, I thought I did. But as much as I want to be selfless again, and go to the ends of the Earth for you, I don't have to anymore. You're inside of me, and with you, I have inherited your emptiness, your apathy, and ice cold freeze. I'd love to think I still needed you to live. That I couldn't breathe without you, you made me alive. You forgot- I never will. You stopped believing- I never will. But I don't know where that part of me is anymore. I have become just like you. And so you don't know me anymore. I don't know myself anymore. So remember me as I was. . .

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me

Because it comes back to love. And you can't help how you don't feel.

And I can't help how I stopped feeling.