This story or rant or whatever you want to call it, is the result of to much sugar, loud music, and staying up late. Enjoy.
I was in this department store, just walking around and stuff. I noticed the store was strange in one way. I was the only guy there! Females of all types lined the aisles. I was about to start pimpin and shit, when a giant robot broke through the wall and tried to electrocute me. Apparently this was the robot's harem and I was encroaching on his shit. I ducked down a service corridor and ran into the boiler room. Great. Now I was stuck. The robot's steps got louder as it closed in on me. I whipped out my MA 60 Vise mechguns and unloaded on the bastard. I cloud of smoke rose and I tried to escape in the confusion, but the robots had a chaingun where its testicles would be. Weird.
Then I woke up. Damn what a weird dream! I stared at the ceiling for a sec. "Another unfamiliar ceiling…" Shinji is a bitch ass for all of you who recognize that comment. I can't believe Misato tongued him instead of me. Anyway, I got up and walked downstairs. I didn't feel like sitting home so I decided to go for a ride in my bitchin pimp mobile. I walked outside and started the car, a 2004 Dodge Viper Venom. Yeah, you're jealous. No rice rockets here! Then I realized I was still in my boxers. It was like 75 degrees out so I could've just worn them, but then I realized old women would probably try to kidnap me if they saw me in them. So I went inside and changed.
Finally ready I headed outside, where I saw some punk ass 8th graders trying to steal my car. I told them to buzz off before I decapitated them and drank their blood, but being 8th graders they thought they were the shit. There were 3 of them and 2 had bat's. One came up and swung at my head, but because I'm smarter and strong than him, I caught the bat with 1 hand and wrenched it from his hands. But I don't know my own strength and I ripped off his hands as well. His other boy came running and screaming at me like a 2 yr old who had just shit their pants. I swung the bat and knocked his head off. The head flew like projectile vomit and nailed some old lady checking her mail in the head. The last punk imploded cause I got bored.
So I'm crusin' down the streets in my awesome chick magnet ride, blasting' Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" cause that song is awesome. I was at a stop light when some fat latina's in tight clothes walked up to the car. "Hey papi I'll let you chill with me if you take me for a ride" I threw up cause her hairy stomach was showing and peeled out like a mo fo. I think she died of exhaust fumes or something.
I decided that Vanilla Ice was attracting the wrong chica's. So I put on my legendary club mixes. All of a sudden the whole world just slowed down and the music was everywhere. It was like I was on acid or something. The cd player selected it's own songs. It was alive. Cool. Blood Rave from Blade came on. That track is cool. Next thing I knew I was standing on a deserted main street.
Then a huge demon came out of the ground. I mean this fucker was huuuge. I went up to it and we started talking about sandwiches. My favorite is the ham and cheese grinder from the little deli up from my job. Not only are the grinders good, but the checkout girls are hot. So the demon and me we're chillin because we're both evil. Suddenly it disappeared and this holier than thou angel came out. I think it was that punk Gabriel or someone. I knew we were gonna throw down when the next song came on, Tao of the Machine from Blade 2. I was macked out in my bad ass flowing shirt of coolness, my skull chain and ring of death, complete with awesome spiky hair. Gabriel knew he was in deep shit now. He threw some lame ass golden harp at me and ran. I followed him to an empty school. I knew it was a trap so I just leveled the place with a ki blast. I rule.
Nothing moved from the rubble so I knew it was over. The song had just ended too so that was a giveaway. My car must've still been in the area, cause I heard the engine revving. That is my song. None of you people can touch it. Anyway the song came on and I heard a girl's voice call my name. I turned around and I saw that psycho bitch that I had a thing for. Because I'm so evil I walked up slowly to her. When I got 15 feet away I chucked my sword (what? you didn't know I had one?) at her and impaled her through the throat ala Hellsing. Lying bitch. She deserved it.
I found my car and saw that 3 of the hottest J-Idols were in it. I mapped out the route to the nearest Motel 6 and drove off into the sunset while blastin Katrina & The Waves "Walking On Sunshine". 80's music rules.