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PREPOSTEROUS PLANTATION:
PART ONE

The sun scorched down into the dirt in the fields of the Burusera Plantation, causing the strong smell of marijuana to rise up in the air as a soft breeze blew by. The wind carried the scent up to the manor porch, where two people sat at a small table, watching the fields with suspicious eyes.

"Kanraku, have you been feeding our dear slave- err, friend, Elephant Boy?" asked the boy sitting on the right side of the table. The girl sitting across from him turned to look at his face as he gazed into the fields like he was insane.

She raised an eyebrow.

"… WHO THA HELL'S THAT?!" she demanded. The boy didn't turn to look at her.

"Hmm… yes, and what of Shoushin-kahi?" he asked distractedly. "Is she still on the grounds? The plantation will fail without her…"

"Umm… of course." Kanraku replied with a nervous laugh. She turned to look out at the plantation.

How the hell did I get here again…? She glanced at the boy. Damn… insane people live here… I'd better get out before I'm… RAPED!!!

She was about to get up to leave, when Noufu spoke again.

"And Otome-kahi?" he asked with a frown. "Has his three month time out in the dungeon finally been cleared?"

And suddenly it was clear. Kanraku sat back in her chair with a serious expression and answered.

"No. He's still got three more months."

"Ah, I see… You DID remember to feed him last spring though, didn't you?" Noufu asked, scratching his lime hair.

Kanraku's eyes widened in nervousness at the question.

"… N-… YES!" She answered. Noufu didn't seem to notice her behavior.

"Ah. Good. Well, we'd better get our whips so that we can get Toriki-kahi to load the produce onto the wagon for market." Noufu said as he got up and stretched. "Farmer Hamaru will be here any moment now." He picked up his whip, and held it tightly with both hands. "Do tell Lady Unko to prepare the tea, would you? And make sure she gets some of those crumpets buttered up, too."

"Yes, ma'am!" Kanraku said eagerly as she scuttled off into the Manor to do the appointed task. Noufu nodded in response, and then cracked his whip at a boy who had been sitting in the large patch of dirt in front of the house.

He had purple hair, and his clothes were all mangled… They weren't really clothes though. It was just a pillowcase, just like that alcoholic midget from Harry Potter.

"LOAD THE VEGETABLES!!" Noufu commanded, cracking his whip at Toriki again. Toriki nodded nervously and got up quickly. He ran over to a pile of pumpkins stacked beside the porch, and picked one up that looked suspiciously like Otome.

Toriki walked past the porch on his way to the wagon, when Noufu caught sight of the suspicious pumpkin that wasn't really a pumpkin but Otome in disguise.

"Hmmm… that pumpkin…" Noufu said to himself thoughtfully. He stepped off the porch and went over to examine it. The pumpkin began to sweat nervously. "Hmm... Interesting orange color... odd shape... Take it to the kitchen and get Lady Unko cooking on a pumpkin pie! This one looks quite delicious…"

Toriki nodded, and carried the pumpkin, whose eyes were bulging in fear, to the rear of the house.

At that moment, Kanraku came back out of the house carrying a platter with tea and crumpets organized on it.

"I do declare, this tea is as hot as sex!" Kanraku announced as she set it on the table.

"Well, yes. I hear the sex last night in the slave quarters was very hot indeed…" Noufu said as he came back onto the porch and took his seat. "A shame we have no video equipment to monitor the slave quarters... We could make billions on porn tapes. Alas, man has not yet invented the video camera…"

Kanraku gave off a long sigh and plopped herself back in her chair. "Well, let's enjoy this tea before it cools off," she said sadly, taking a sip from her cup.

Noufu nodded and sipped a crumpet. He squinted up ahead of the manor as he set his crumpet back on the TA-ble…

"Why, I do believe that's Farmer Hamaru pulling up the road on his hover-car."

"So soon?" Kanraku asked. She looked ahead and saw the hover-car coming on its way up the road, just as Noufu had said. She tilted her head back to the side and shouted into the house, "TORIKI! THOSE VEGETABLES BETTER BE LOADED!!"

Toriki rushed out of the house nervously, and hurried to the pile of pumpkins. He picked up one, and ran to put it in the wagon, but was unfortunately crushed by the landing hover-car… Oh well, one less girlypants in the world.

Kanraku frowned at the hover-car as Farmer Hamaru's long body stepped out of the car and saw Toriki's leg's sticking out from beneath.

"That's the third time this week…," Kanraku said angrily. Noufu stepped forward as he made his way to Farmer Hamaru.

"Mr. Hamaru! I've had quite enough of you killing off my slaves! I do believe you owe me one now." He demanded with the raging hot PMS fury of a teenage girl.

The door of the manor suddenly shot open as an overly perky looking woman burst out in a French maid's outfit, an enormous smile burned into her face. She looked like the pleasant, innocent, gets on your nerves all the time girl with her red hair up in a modern ponytail.

"Sirs and Lady, do come inside and enjoy the lovely pie I've baked." She said in that, just as I told you, gets-on-your-nerves-all-the-time voice cause-it's-so-God-damn-happy-sounding.

"Oh, how lovely." Kanraku said happily as she saw the steaming pie the maid-girl was carrying with both hands. "We'll discuss slave requirements over this LOVELY pumpkin pie."

Noufu glanced at the pie, and a frown suddenly crossed his face.

"... Why... LADY Unko, do give me the honor of explaining WHY this pie has the face of Otome-kahi on it?" he/she commanded furiously as he picked his ass and sniffed his fingers. Farmer Hamaru saw this, and bent in to get a sniff, but Noufu turned around quickly and slapped his hand. The farmer pouted and went to take a seat at the table. Noufu turned back to Lady Unko. "WELL?"

Kanraku looked at the pie, then back at Lady Unko. ".....A good question. YOU KNOW THE PENALTY FOR COOKING SLAVES!" She shouted, slamming a fist on the table, causing a crumpet to jump out of the plate and into Farmer Hamaru's lap…

Lady Unko gulped before she answered meekly, "Five days in solitary confinement without sex, ma'am…"

Lady Unko prepared to receive her punishment, but the pie in her hands that was actually Otome because he was the pretend pumpkin, suddenly jumped free, down the steps, towards the hover-car, where it kicked off Toriki's stiletto-red heels and put them on.

"There's no place like home, there's no place like home," chanted the poorly disguised pastry, jocking those famous lines from that stupid movie "classic."

There was a flash, and now, where the hideous pie had once been, stood Otome wearing a frilly pink princess dress like the one you'd see in a gay movie, with fairy wings on his back that glittered all prissy like when they flapped softly, carrying Otome a few feet off the ground.

Otome cackled. "I am Destrcut-o-tron, the Ever Living!!" he shouted.

Kanraku sighed and turned to Lady Unko.

"Well, she's okay, but you cooked her… Three days."

Lady Unko burst into tears at the sound of her fate, and ran off sobbing.

"Take THIS!" Destruct-o-tron shouted as he took out a fairy wand with a star on it. "Behold, my Black Sword of Chaos Rampage!" He then aimed the wand, and shot a flurry of pink sparkles. Sadly, the little girl who I am only referring to as a girl because he is wearing a dress, had poor aim, and so accidentally hit Lady Unko with his… pretty sparks.

"OTOME-HOOA!" Kanraku shouted angrily, standing up quickly in her fury. "YOU KNOW THE PENALTY FOR ATTACKING SLAVES WITH PINK SPARKLES!"

Destrcut-o-tron, so pink and girly, gave off a whimper.

"N… NOT SEX WITH THE NERDY DUDE?!?!?!?!" she/he cried like he had just found out that NSYNC had all died in a fiery explosion of paper airplanes.

Kanraku felt no sympathy for this peasant and merely nodded slowly and firmly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Otome shouted in great agony, as he fell to the ground on his knees.

There was a pause… a tremor… and then… AN EARTHQUAKE!!!

The reason for the earthquake was instantly found as Shoushin popped out of the ground, looking like the Gollum thing from The Lord of the Rings.

GASP! Kanraku thought. "SHOUSHIN!" She called, running out off the patio. "YOU LIVED THROUGH YOUR PUNISHMENT OF AN ORGY WITH THE PARTICIPANTS OF A STAR WARS CONVENTION?!!?!"

Shoushin growled furiously. "Bloody hell I did! And now I've come back to tell you something, Master... Kanraku… I AM your FATHER!!"

At that moment. Farmer Hamaru made a "dun dun DUN!" sound for effect… Kanraku gasped like Sora in Kingdom Hearts.

"NO! MY FATHER DIED IN A FREAK OMEKUMA GENDER SIGHTING ACCIDENT CENTURIES AGO!" She exclaimed dramatically. Shoushin looked up at her with a confused expression.

": ... What?... No I didn't... Wait... I have no daughter... My ability to get pregnant was lost in that very same Omekuma gender sighting all those centuries ago... Damn Star Wars geeks... What I meant was, I'm here to get my revenge. I do apologize for the misunderstanding."

Kanraku gave off a sigh of relief. "Quite understood, Shoushin-kahi."

"Oh, how embarrassing that was...," Shoushin said to himself. He cleared his throat and looked at Kanraku. "Now, where was I?… Ah, yes."

Suddenly, he grew batlike wings on his back and took off into the air.

"AND WHERE THE HELL ARE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, LITTLE MISSY?!?!" Kanraku commanded, eyes bulging.

"Eep!" Shoushin cried. "I thought I was getting my revenge, Miss…?"

"Like HELL YOU ARE! You've got a plantation to water!!"

At that moment, Farmer Hamaru decided to spring into action.

He did cartwheels, and then jumped into the air, landed, snatched Destrcut-o-tron's "sword," and threw it up at Shoushin, whose eyes widened as he spotted it.

"Ooo… pretty…" he murmured, as he swooped down, caught it in his mouth and swallowed. He began to tremble, and seconds later he blew up, scattering his remains all over the ground beneath him.

"… GOD DAMN IT, HAMARU!" Kanraku hollered at the Farmer, "THAT'S FOUR SLAVES THIS WEEK"
Farmer Hamaru put on a guilty look. "I apologize... I had one of those crumpets... I believe your maid buttered them up with Speed…?"

Noufu smiled happily.

"Well, what do you know? Unko remembered which butter to use... I'll have to reward him with a tampon…," he muttered to himself. Kanraku looked at him in thought, and then turned back to Farmer Hamaru, the anger back in her face.

"Slaves and our prize winning crumpets?!" she demanded crossly. An apologetic look passed Farmer Hamaru's face, his head bending down causing his straw hat to shadow his eyes.

"Please forgive me, kind sir... It's not MY fault... The doctors tell me it's a compulsion."

Kanraku stared at Hamaru, stupefied.

"… TO RUIN OUR PLANTATION?!!?" Noufu smiled widely again and turned to Farmer Hamaru.

"Oh! Did you go see the doctor down the lane that says he disguises himself as a hobo for doctor purposes?" He patted his head and looked up at his hair. "He cleared up my herpes just like that!"

"A hobo…," Kanraku said to herself thoughtfully. "… DAMNIT! THAT DOCTOR'S BEEN POKING AROUND THE MARIJUANA FIELDS! Who's in charge of guarding those fields!? THEY'LL GET SOLITARY CONFINEMENT! No sex! And I'll even chain their arms and legs to the walls so they can't even MASTURBATE!"

There was a large gasp from everyone but Kanraku as dramatic soap opera music played… Noufu opened his eyes wide in terror.

"Not… THAT!" he cried out horrorstricken.

"YES. THAT." Kanraku replied definitely. Noufu bit his lip doubtfully.

"But… we can't punish Grandpa that severely! The simple shock of the news will be enough to kill him! FOR GOOD this time!"

"Ah, so it was Grandpa Yoreshiwa, was it…?" Kanraku muttered darkly, "Well then, we'll just tell him it's a game…"

"But if he thinks it's a game, he'll enjoy himself... " Noufu pointed out.

"Damn, you're right..."

"Indeed. You know how hard it is to get his semen off the dungeon walls."

Kanraku put a hand to her forehead in frustration. "Don't remind me…"

"Oh well... I suppose we could lock him up with Bill Gates again." Noufu suggested, scratching his nose.

"I think in his old years the man's starting to enjoy that...," Kanraku said sadly, shuddering at the thought of ANYONE enjoying sex with Bill Gates…

Noufu nodded decisively and snapped his fingers. "Destruct-o-tron. Go watch the marijuana fields for the time being. And if you see the dear doctor, do ask him if he has any new drugs before you kill- err, punish him, for trespassing."

Otome nodded, and fluttered off towards the fields, leaving Kanraku to sigh deeply as he left.

"We may have to send Kahi Niku out on Hooker Duty to kidnap--er, 'recruit' new slaves…," she announced miserably as she thought about their predicament.

Noufu nodded again.

"Agreed. How many slaves do we have left that AREN'T being punished, Kanraku-shifu? We need someone to clean up this mess that damn Shoushin left behind…," he said agitatedly; with his hands on his hips as he looked around at the Shoushin goo scattered all over the grounds…

Meanwhile, Destruct-o-tron made his way to the marijuana fields, cursing all the way about his princess bra being on too tight and giving him too much "cleavage" and how no one would ever love him for who he was… AS IF anyone would ever love him for how he looks.

He made it to the fields, and fell gently to the ground. Looking all around, he spotted a nearby bunch of the lovely plant shuddering slightly. Suddenly, Strawberry Shortcake popped out from the shaking marijuana leaves, nude and blushing. A moment later, Po, the Red Teletubbie, popped out beside her wearing a condom on the thing on his head.

Otome grinned slyly at the sight.

"I was wondering why the pot tasted so funny…," Strawberry narrowed her eyes at Otome.

"You'll keep quiet about this or I'll tell your slave owners EXACTLY what happened to last month's wine supply, you little mini-bitch pre-Madonna."

Otome scoffed at the threat and sat down in the chair used by Yoreshiwa to guard the fields, which, in Yoreshiwa's case, meant nap like an old man does.

"No need to be so pushy…"

"There's always need to be pushy when dealing with you, Otome…," Strawberry replied as she started putting on hooker clothes. The Red Teletubbie rubbed his face against her leg pleadingly, but she shoved him off. "You've had enough for the hour, you man whore… It'll be another fifty bucks if you want more of this."

The Teletubbie frowned and crawled off. Otome rolled his eyes as he peered around over the fields.

"Always the business-woman I see, Strawberry… Part of the reason why-" Destruct-o-tron stopped suddenly, an ominous, glittering breeze swaying the frills of his pink dress.

"Why what?" Strawberry demanded carelessly as she put on her black leather boots.

Otome pointed up at the horizon in horror. Over the top of the farthest hill, a pink, glittering smoke was rising slowly.

"Oh no…"

The chair toppled over as Otome ran off for help.

"Hamaru!!! TAKE YOUR CRUMPET EATIN' ASS AND GET US SOME NEW SLAVES!" Kanraku demanded forcefully.

"Well, I have a friend who may have a slave or two she'd be willing to sell." Hamaru responded calmly. He turned around at the sound of an engine, and saw a car coming up the road. "Ah, here she is now…"

The car parked itself in front of the group, and once the door opened, a red carpet spilled out. A woman in a large, puffy purple dress with a blonde pompadour on her head stepped out politely on her violet high heels, her posture perfect, and her snobby plastic surgery nose held high up in the air as she came toward the farmer.
She reached his side, and lowered her head to show a large, friendly smile.

"Good afternoon to you all." She said to the group before turning to her friend disapprovingly. "Hamaru, I came over as soon as I heard the dreadful news. How COULD you have run over yet another slave girl? Tsk, tsk, I will have to take this up with your mother... But for now, about the slaves... I have one I could sell to you. Would you like to see?" she asked politely.

"Sure, Reisetsu." Farmer Hamaru replied.

Reisetsu took in a deep breath, and suddenly…

"SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEE! Here, Piggy, Piggy! HERE, Piggy!" She shouted loudly and rudely in a very country like way… so unexpected, no?

There was an earthquake like noise from the distance, and suddenly, a large woman jumped over a hill on all fours. She was at least fifteen feet tall standing, and TEN FEET WIDE!

Looking huge, the blubbery creature jumped over the group of people, casting a large shadow on them. In landed not too far away on all four feet, its short brown hair fluttering slightly. It wore a skirt just her size, blue of course, and a pink shirt with a blue vest over it that looked like it was going to pop.

Farmer Hamaru had a heart attack after seeing the monstrosity jump over him like that.

"Hmm…," Kanraku muttered, studying the beast from where she stood. "She's rather fat, sir."

"That, she is. But she is very easy to train. One dirty look, and she'll start whimpering. She's great as a trash disposer, too. You know, save the environment and all that crap. Plus, her poo makes EXCELLENT manure." Reisetsu dug in a small purse, and took out a large cake that looked to big to have EVER been inside the purse to begin with. "Here, Bloaty!"

Bloaty, apparently the fat thing's name, walked over shyly. She bent down and sniffed the cake in Reisetu's hand, but when she got closer to grab it in her mouth, she accidentally ate Farmer Hamaru, one of his arms sticking sickly out of her mouth.

Otome suddenly came running up from around the corner of the manor.

"Mistress Noufu! Mistress Noufu! Omekuma is coming, sir! THE OMEKUMA IS COMING!"

Noufu frowned severely at the sound of his slave's cries, just as Otome stopped to catch his breath in front of him.

"How do you know?" Noufu asked.

"The smoke coming in from the distance! It's the result of Omekuma raping the air... Trust me, I've dealt with this before, Mistress! H-He's on his way HERE! To the plantation!" Noufu frowned again.

"That'll ruin the crops…"

"Well, surely we can protect your plantation if we just rape the air around your crops, no? Shouldn't that work?" Reisetsu recommended softly.

"Heavens, no!" Otome shouted. "If we tried that, the result would be the end of this universe and all sex as we know it! The two gases mixing is simply NOT something we want happening!"

Reisetsu collapsed from the shock. Kanraku peered over at her on tippy-toes, and then turned to look at the woman's slave.

"Well, BLOATY! Are you any good at combat against the likes of Omekuma?!" she demanded, giving the creature a dirty glance… Bloaty ran off squealing. "… Damn."

"Hurry, Mistress and Master! The smoke is coming closer... Omekuma is getting NEARer!!!!" Otome shouted desperately. Kanraku stared at him irritably.

"Ugh...stupid ass…," She turned to Noufu. "WHAT THA' HELL DO WE DO, MISTRESS NOUFU?! You are more experienced in the field of Omekuma…"

Noufu gave Kanraku a grim look. He looked up at the glittering pink smoke that now hovered over the entire plantation, blocking out the sun.

"I don't know... it wont be long before that smoke comes down here. None of my Omekuma College Courses could have ever prepared me for this... You hear about it happening to other people, but you never think it'll happen to YOU…"

"DAMN STRAIGHT I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD HAPPEN!" Kanraku shouted. "Maybe we should temporarily release the slaves from their punishments?!"

"Well, you know the legacy of Omekuma... Evil as plain as the gender on his face... Oh wait, that's the Teletubbies…" Otome interrupted grabbing handfuls of his dress nervously. Noufu ignored him.

"Hmm... Interesting idea... but that would mean we would sacrifice them... After being raped by Omekuma, they'll never be in working condition again."

"Ugh, damn weak ass slaves…," Kanraku said, looking up in horror at the sparkling pink above them.

"Yes, well, I just don't know if we can risk any more of the help now that we've lost Bloaty…"

"Damn fat ass whore…," Kanraku murmured, cursing at the direction Bloaty had run off in.

Lady Unko stepped out of the house abruptly and looked up at the sky. "... Hmph. The weather report didn't day ANYTHING about Sparkling Pink Gender today…"

Otome gasped and looked up at the SPG now falling from the smoke overhead.

"… No!"

And suddenly, everyone thought the same thing on their minds…

I should've been a doctor…

Translations:

Kahi: "Servant Girl"

Shifu: "Fatherly Master"

Hooa: "Whore"

Disclaimer: We do not own Strawberry Shortcake or any of the Teletubbies. Just thought you should know, in case, you know, you're locked up somewhere and have been cut off from the world for the past few years…

SPG is short for "Sparkling Pink Gender" just in case your mental skills aren't strong enough to put two and two together.