Don't feel sorry for me
Please don't pity me
I cried for help
You ignored me
I lost my voice screaming
I'm tired of words
I'm too hoarse to shout
Maybe it's your fault but I don't blame you
You were too busy to pay any attention
You had your own struggles
And your own selfishness
That's Ok
I understand
I don't hate you
I don't wish you were dead
I'd like to throw this pen against the wall;
Drive this blade into this pillow and draw it through the fabric
watching as the feathers scatter,
carried by across the room by the wind.
I'd like to get up, slam the door and walk out
But I don't hate you
And I don't blame you
I don't entertain fantasies of your regard
Much less your guilt when I'm gone
When I go
And do not pity me
Do not say it's a shame
Don't bother caring
I don't think you will
You didn't when I lived
Why now I die?
So do not pity me
Do not think I'm crazy,
Or that life had treated me bad,
Life was not always good to me but I was fortunate;
Lucky even.
Life was not the bitch
I was.
Don't pity me
And don't be so sanctimonious
So supercilious
To presume that this is your doing
That I did this because of you
For you
This has nothing to do with you
Are you so arrogant to think
That my world revolves around you?
My life is not all about you
You are not the sun
I am not the moon
I do not need you to shine
I was very selfish in life,
And I am very selfish in death.
I have my own reasons, none of which I wish to share
But know this
You may have hurt me
You may have broken me,
Driven a fissure into me,
Watched it grow,
Watched me shatter.
You may have ignored my pleas,
My cries for help.
You may have regarded me with contempt,
Treated me poorly,
Outcast me,
You may have killed me.
And though it will be better
At least for you
When I go
This you must know
I did not do this for you
I did not do this because of you
I did not do this to please you
None of these a reasons I give,
None of these are justification enough.
I do not hate you.
It's your fault,
but I do not blame you.
And though it may be better
It will be better for you
When I go
This you must know
For once