TITLE: Somewhere in the Middle
AUTHOR: The Penguins Stole My Sanity
RATING: R for peppery language
DISTRIBUTION: Please ask, if you want it.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own 'Somewhere in the Middle'.
SUMMARY: Side ficlet to Heaven on a Sunday, which is being reworked. Tony contemplates repairing his relationship.
PAIRING: N/A at the moment.
NOTES: I love this song, but I don't know if it fits. Maybe it does.

tripping hard falling down onto the ground
cause I can't stand up
and I can't fall down
'cause I'm somewhere in the middle of this

- Dishwalla, "Somewhere in the Middle"


Sometimes I wonder how many epiphanies - how many life-altering events - one can have in a lifetime and I wonder if I've met my quota.

Personally, I've lost count, but the most recent life-altering event might also be one of the most imoportant ones, in my books.

But before I get into all of that, I'll give you a little background on who I am.

My name is Tony Saltarelli and I'm an asshole.

Even my own teammates seem to think so, and that's no skin off my nose. In fact, I'm almost flattered that my teammates think I'm the world's biggest prick. It means I've been doing my job.

So, you see, men like me do not have epiphanies. Well, that's what I'd always believed, until the day my wife Carrie had me served with divorce papers.

Just what is that epiphany you keep referring to, Tony, you ask? Hold on to your fucking horses. I'm getting to that part.

Anyway, after my wife asked me for a divorcem I sunk to a pretty low place, the lowest I'd ever been. I tried to find answers by reading books. That didn't work. Take my advice. Never look to books for all of life's answers. It's never that easy.


They say that pleasure is only the intermission of pain.

They also say desire shall fail, that love has no gift so grateful as his wings, and, "You gave me nothing, now it's all I got."

Let me ask this: What the fuck do they know about true love?

Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

'Cause, pal, real life can't be summed up in trite little phrases. It's so much more than shit a fucking dead guy said a thousand years ago. (Except for U2. Bono is a God, man.) It only took me too fucking long to realize it.

That brings me back to epiphanies and life-altering events. (Nifty segue, eh?)

You would think you'd only get one epiphany per life, but you'd be surprised. I mean, I thought my wife leaving me 'cause I couldn't keep my dick in my pants was enough to last me one lifetime. Boy was I wrong.

But as I've said before, God seems to enjoy fucking around with me. So I guess Tony fucking Saltarelli gets multiple epiphanies. What the fuck ever.

So, anyway, back to the epiphanies.

The second one was really, in my opinion, the doozy of the lot. It was when I realized that I like guys. Or, more specifically, I liked Kevyn McCormack. (Contrary to popular belief, Kevyn is a guy.)

That one little revelation sent my life on this totally weird, totally fucked up journey. And I don't know whether or not to be thankful or pissed off. Mother Nature needs her entertainment too, and I suppose fucking with the life of Tony Saltarelli is her main source of fun.

And now I'm here. In San José. I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing here. I mean, I don't belong here. Kevyn's got his wife, and a family, and he doesn't need me anymore, does he?

I guess we'll see.


I suppose an old dead guy once said it best: "Omnia vincit amor. Love conquers all things."

Well, we'll see, Vergil. We'll see.

Wish me luck,