The wind swept across a deserted plain, carrying the uncanny whistle from the old westerns along with it. There was tension in the air; everyone could feel it. Even the slow and lowly mortals sensed that an epic battle was about to take place, and knew that their fate depended on the outcome. The immortals of Mount Olympus stood at the edge, weapons ready, arms tense. Soon the faint sounds of battle drums were detected, approaching fast. Hermes, scouting above them with his sandals, gave a shout and pointed in the direction of a menacing looking cloud flying low on the ground. It wasn't a cloud however, and soon the immortals could pick out the details of the Titan's rusted and bloodstained armor and the bent, crooked smiles of the Cyclops. Pan was nowhere in sight- probably off hiding in the mountains.
"Gross." said Katie, wrinkling her nose as a large Titan let loose a huge wad of green spit.
By mid-morning the some-what large army of nasty immortal creatures stood facing the goddesses and gods of Mount Olympus. The Titans glared and glowered while the Cyclops beat their chests and let forth thunderous war cries. All around them, evil looking demons and imps snarled. The goddesses were unfazed. Sonomi pulled out her staff as demon teddy bears snarled in a cloud around her. Aubrey was a vision of evil in her purple ensemble, large dictionaries and swathes of black cloth flying around her. Lauren and Colleen were busy making faces at the stoic Titans, while Nicole blew huge scary bubbles and sent them across the field. Lindsay and Liz palmed their staffs menacingly while Megan gave her branding iron a final spit shine. Along with Becca's icy glare, Sarah's swordplay, Marjorie's random appearances and Jason's evil jack-o-lantern grin, the Mount Olympus immortals seemed to stand a chance. The Titans even started having second thoughts about attacking right now. Fortunately, Ares, in his infinite wisdom, evened out the playing field.
"OK, goddesses, stand over there with Aphrodite. We'll start this battle off right, and call you if we need any back up."
The goddesses slumped in disbelief. "You're shitting us, right?" Lindsay demanded. But it seemed that the rest of the gods felt this way too, so the goddesses went off, grumbling to the sidelines.
"If I had wanted to spend my afternoon with a two-bit whore, I would have gone to Thebes!" Megan hissed, "No offense Aphrodite."
The rest of the goddesses quietly agreed. Suddenly Lauren jumped up, grinning. "I know!" she squealed, "Let's do the blonde cheer!"
Boos and hisses greeted the suggestion, but having nothing better to do, the goddesses decided to. As the battle between the gods roared to life, everyone donned blonde wigs and began to chant:
"Totally, for sure!
I just got a manicure!
The sun, I swear,
Is bleaching out my gorgeous hair.
I don't know the stupid score!
Go Go! Fight Fight!
Gee I hope I look alright!"
And so it was repeated, over and over again. Louder and louder the goddesses chanted, drowning out the sounds of the battle that was taking place in front of them.
God, this is really torture! Whined Megan.
I know,said Colleen,pointing to Lauren, but at least it shuts her up.
"Go! Go! Fight! Fight!"
The goddesses stopped cheering. Out on the battlefield, gods were dropping like flies. Zeus was on the ground moaning, Hermes and Apollo were laying on one another, unconscious, and Ares was getting a huge wedgie from a Cyclops. The rest of the gods were still fighting, but they were losing fast. Colleen shook her head.
"Guys are so stupid."
Megan nodded, "Yea, never send a man to do a man's job, let alone a woman's job."
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Liz inquired, stretching her back, "Let's go kick some Titan ass."
The Titans thought they were winning, they really did. But suddenly the tide turned as a swarm of angry screaming goddesses launched themselves at the evil immortals. Asevil and as well-armed as they were, the evil immortals were no match for the new goddesses. Jason, who had somehow managed to survive the onslaught, joined the fight once more, crashing and bashing in many demon heads with his hammer and large random volcanoes. If this wasn't enough to dissuade the invaders, the antics of the goddesses certainly were.
A streak of crimson could be seen dashing about. It was Megan, branding iron smoking and cattle prod sparking. From one Titan head to another she leapt, branding eyes and shocking faces, all the while laughing with glee. "Now THIS is fun!" she yelled. Nicole on the ground, shooting pink bubbles at imps, had to agree. Suddenly a huge Cyclops came charging at the goddess. Nicole took a side step and quickly began clapping her hands in a constant rhythm. The Cyclops growled and made a move to attack again, but found that his feet were moving on their own accord. Howls of frustration erupted as he began dancing faster and faster. Nicole giggled with delight, twisting around to blow a honeyed kiss at a troop of advancing demons. They stopped in their tracks, grinning broadly, dying from their own insane happiness. Megan looked down from atop a Titan's head, which she was beating senseless, and shuddered.
"That's really scary Nicole."
Katie gave a chuckle as she heard Megan say this. "Hey Nicole, bet I can make these guys dance better than you can!" She yelled, reducing two Titans to piles of wriggling flesh, spewing out stupid jokes. The brunette's eyes narrowed.
Meanwhile, on the other end of the battlefield, Lindsay was having her own troubles. They redhead had somehow managed to get herself blockaded into a corner, with sinister enemies on all sides. A large Titan sneered at the nonchalant goddess. "You're mine." he hissed. Lindsay rolled her eyes.
"Honestly, what is it with these corny one-liners you Greeks have? Oh and by the way," she added, her face darkening, "You disturbed our banquet. That annoys me."
Before the Titan could respond, something fell out of the sky, landing on him. It was a huge sloth, covered in poison-tipped barbs. Not waiting for a reaction, the redhead goddess let loose a volley of curses and sprung into the mass of demons, smacking all within her reach with a blazing hermit staff. Those who were missed began to run away in terror. Lindsay chased after them.
As the green-clad goddess ran by, Sonomi stopped beating an imp over the head to wave. Then she went back at her pummeling again, as her teddy bear army darkened the sky. Nearby, Sarah was engaging a shadowy demon thing in a sword-fight, and winning spectacularly. The demon gave a cry as her sword sank into his flesh, calling for reinforcements. Suddenly Sarah found herself surrounded by an army of chittering little imps, fangs glistening and teeth bared. After taking out a few with her sword, the goddess gave a shrill whistle. The army never had a chance as huge nightmarish creatures began coming out of the ground around them. Sarah giggled in delight as the imps were disemboweled, decapitated, and utterly mutilated at the hands of her creatures.
A large group of Titans were clustered in the far corner of the battlefield, surrounding three goddesses. Colleen was doing her best to keep the ferocious beings at bay, but they kept throwing spears at her, causing her to lose concentration. "Aubrey! Lauren!" she yelled, "Hurry up and help me!"
Lauren chewed a nail frantically. "They're not cute!" she cried, wringing her hands in dismay. "I don't know what to do!" Suddenly an idea popped into her mind. Just as the largest Titan was advancing on the trio, Lauren gave a high-pitched warble. Suddenly a cloud could be seen on the horizon. As the Titans watched, the dark mass came closer, revealing itself to be a group of presumably single girls. Lauren then started shouting "They took away all the hot guys! Get them!" The girls gave a collective scream of fury and launched themselves at the frightened immortals, biting, kicking and clawing.
"Hey, leave some for me." Aubrey yelled, commanding long ribbons of cotton and silk. Soon the Titans were dressed groin to thigh in size 0 miniskirts, screaming in pain. Colleen grinned and took on the remaining enemies, leaving them defenseless on the ground, eeping for dear life.
"How are you doing Liz?"
The spiky-haired goddess did not reply. She was too busy with an attack from two sides. "You all are so screwed." she said, tapping the ground with her staff. As the duck on the end grew red and started spewing out fire, a strange looking creature emerged from the ground. It resembled the corpse of a rotting gremlin, with a wicked smile and some evil intentions. Letting loose an earth-shattering scream, it began pouncing on enemy soldiers one-by-one, ripping them to shreds. But Liz wasn't about to let her creation have all the fun. Resuming a fighting stance, the goddess of pranks kicked major butt with fists, legs and staff. (A/N: I personally think of Rafiki from Lion King here) A large Cyclops came lumbering up quietly behind the goddess, but never got anywhere near Liz.
The Cyclops looked up to see Becca standing on a ledge, looking smug. With a swing of his giant club, the Cyclops advanced. Becca rolled her eyes and gave him the iciest glare ever. With a thud, the giant dropped his weapon and began clutching his frozen chest. Becca gave a small chuckle.
"Aww, poor baby has an ouchie? Let's see if we can fix that."
She then proceeded to insult him and burn him with her sarcasm, leaving behind only a smoking trail and a block of ice presumed to be his heart. Turning, Becca gave a high-five to Marjorie, who had just popped up and was strangling a demon, and then proceeded to find her next victim.
The battle raged on fiercely, with a huge casualty tally. That is, for the enemies, and by the afternoon the Titans had fled, high-tailing it back to Tartarus where it was safe. Pan had been spotted and castrated by Megan, who was still gloating about it, and over all peace had been restored. With a rising cheer the goddesses picked themselves out of the rubble, congratulating each other on a job well done. Katie and Nicole had just decided on a tie for their little contest, when Artemis, Hera and Athena appeared. Hera looked around the mess, giving a satisfactory nod.
"Well done. You all are definitely top-notch goddesses."
A groan behind them granted attention- it was the gods waking up. Lauren gave a squeal and went to go see her Ares, making sure that he was OK. All the gods were stunned to see how the battle had played out. Zeus walked forward and grudgingly stuck out his hand.
"Good job girls."
The goddesses looked at each other and grinned. Lindsay took a step and grasped the god's hand in a mighty handshake. "Anytime." she said cheerfully.
Suddenly, the sun seemed to dim. The immortals looked around fearfully, ready for attack once more. It wasn't until the green light appeared that the goddesses began to realize what was happening, but by then it was too late. With a final hasty wave good-bye, the thirteen immortals were soon swept up in a swirling green light.
When the teens finally opened their eyes, they were in their school, sitting around the orchestra room as they did each morning. Lauren, realizing that she was now making out with a chair, quickly leapt up. "We're back?" she sighed. The rest of the immortals nodded glumly. Then Megan started to laugh.
"I think we may still have our powers." she said, holding up her branding iron.
"Yea," said Katie,as the door to the orchestra room opened to let students in for the school day, "And we're still in our goddess costumes."
And so concludes the tale of the nine goddesses who became thirteen immortals in Mount Olympus. Morale of the story? Too much pizza and candy is a great drug. This was the ending I had since I figured out what the hell this story was going to be, and I decided to stick with it, even if the information is a little outdated and you all hate me for it. Thanks to everyone who read.