DISCLAIMER: This is true, so ... no thievery. *shrug* Like you'd want to. Lol.
SUMMARY: I ponder some confusing feelings, and wonder what's wrong with me.
NOTES: Obviously, I know nothing's wrong with me, but when you're going through confusion, naturally, thoughts like that cross your mind.


Some girls don't begin developing crushes on boys until they're in high school. Some start slightly younger, in middle school. If you're like me, you'll start developing crushes when you're four.

That's right, I had my first crush on a boy when I was four years old.

I suppose I've always been precocious. I mean, had a boyfriend in preschool. Sure, all we did was put worms down each other's shirts, and dig in the sandbox, but he was my boyfriend.

As I grew older, I continued to have curshes on various boys, most of whom I found physically ugly, but appealing in some way.

As I moved on to high school, and then college, I experienced something very, very new, and different.

I had my first crush on a girl.

I had tagged along with my grandmother to the Hadassah House, to help out a bit, and sew dolls for their hospital charity program.

Her name was Kelly Gladieux. Gladieux. When you say it out loud, it sounds like having a mouthful of pebbles, or the rushing of a river downstream. A beautiful name befitting the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. I found out her name by looking at the sign-in sheet; I didn't have the courage to actually go up to her and ask what her name was.

Kelly put Anna and Britney and Christina, and all those other pop tarts to shame. She had long, wavy blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes, and the most beautiful laugh I'd ever heard. Her laughter was like music to my ears.

I'd never looked at another girl like this before. What had changed? Why was I feeling these feelings for her? I'd only ever liked boys before, ever since I was four. Why, sixteen years later, was I having feelings for someone I shouldn't?

What was wrong with me?


It's been almost eight months since I last saw Kelly, at the Hadassah house, but I do think of her from time to time. I wonder where she is going to college, how her life is, what she's doing now.

I miss someone I never spoke one word to.

If that's not messed up, then I just haven't been trying hard enough.