3

"Always confusing/The thoughts in my head/So I can't trust myself anymore."   -Evanescence, "Going Under"

It was the Monday after the fight with Cass, and I was talking to David and Jams online while strumming along to an old Clash CD on my bass. I was still backed up off of Cass, trying to give her room to think about my opinion.

            I sat in my bright yellow room, and stopped everything for a moment to gaze around my haven. My bed, covered with a seafoam green bedspread and about a million black and cushy pillows, sat in the corner opposite my door, under a window. My desk, which held my laptop, homework, and CDs, rested in the corner to the right of my bed. Between them was my bookcase, containing my huge collection of books. In another corner were my dresser and stereo.

            I heard the programmed "MOO!" of my computer, which told me that I had a new instant message, or IM. I turned my gaze back to my laptop, and read the new message from David (Greendayfan94).

            Greendayfan94: "Hey Del, can I talk to you?"

            (Me) Penguins06: "Sure. What?"

            Greendayfan94: "Um, well, I was just wondering if maybe you would, um, wanna go out with me?"

            Penguins06: "Really? Yeah, sure!" My less than witty response still made David happy.

            Greendayfan94: "Are you serious??? This is great! I didn't think you'd say yes, because we're such good friends and all, but I've liked you for ages!"

            Penguins06: "Truly? Heh. I never thought of you that way before, because I never had the idea."

            Greendayfan94: "But you will go out with me?"

            Penguins06: "Of course."
            Greendayfan94: "This is so awesome! So do you wanna go to dinner tomorrow night or something?"

            Penguins06: "Um. Sure. Where do you wanna go?"
            Greendayfan94: "I'm not sure, but I'll call you tomorrow afternoon. Anyways, I gotta go. Talk to you later, hon!"

            Penguins06: "Ok, bye."

I sighed and got up from my desk to flop onto my freshly made bed. What had I gotten myself into??? Don't get me wrong; I loved David to death, but being his girlfriend? The thought was alien in my head.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

            Too soon, it was tomorrow and I had the big dinner date with David to look forward to. I had been thinking about him all night. I knew that I loved him a lot as a friend, but wasn't sure that I wanted to take it to the next level. I didn't want to ruin the great friendship we had going. Although he was apparently willing to take that chance, I wasn't sure that I wanted to risk it.

            I could remember sitting in kindergarten, overly eager to meet new people and make new friends. I had gone around to every single kid, and said this exact phrase: "Hi, I'm Del. Wanna be friends???". I told the story now as a joke, but I could remember the on-edge, jittery feeling I got every time I said those words. The thoughts going through my head had been to the tune of I hope they say yes, what am I gonna do if they say no? I hope they say yes!

            I felt the same way now, I had the same on-edge feeling now. Even though I knew that David had probably had the same mantra going through his head as he typed his question, I still had to face the facts – even if it hurt him, I had to follow my heart on this one. Luckily, my heart was agreeing with my mind so far. I would go out with David, and hopefully it wouldn't ruin our friendship.

            After Niko dropped me off at school, I went to my locker to grab my books. I pulled the door open after spinning my combination, and a white envelope fluttered out on top of all my binders and books. It's not a surprise that everything fell out, because I had been known to be slightly messy…I picked up the envelope and stuffed it into my assignment book to read later, as I was running late enough already.

            I half-ran, half-walked to my language class in an effort to avoid my third tardy and inevitably, another 2-hour main detention. I barely beat the bell into my class, stumbling through the doorway just as it rang. My classmates and Ms. Radel, the teacher, all clapped and laughed. I was quite notorious for my narrow arrivals.

            I collapsed into my desk, dropping my pile of textbooks and notebooks onto the floor by my feet. Ms. Radel walked to the front of the room and started the announcements that each class began with. I spaced out, thinking again of the dilemma with David, until I heard Ms. Radel say my name.

            "Congratulations to our very own Mindelan "Del" Branson! She entered a piece of poetry, "But Mostly", into a contest last July. We've just received the results, and she won first place! She gets to have her poem printed into a book called Teenage Poetry, and receives a $500 bonus."

            "WHAT!?!?!?" I shrieked. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my GOD!!" I screamed. I had had no idea that I'd win, I had just been bored and entered it. I never thought I'd win!

            Ms. Radel just grinned at me. She walked over and handed me a crisp, new paperback book. I glanced at the cover, and sure enough, it was my book. Teenage Poetry. I looked back up at Ms. Radel, and she just kept beaming at me. I opened the brand new book for the first time and scanned the table of contents. I saw it -  "But Mostly, written by Mindelan Branson, 17 ------ page 24"  I nearly ripped the page in my haste to see my own work in ink.

            There it was.

"But Mostly" Written by Mindelan Branson

           

I cried today.

I cried for myself;

I cried for my family;

But mostly?

I cried

for you.

How could you be

So selfish;

So cold-hearted;

But mostly?

How could you be that

much in trouble?

Why did you know

That we would still love you;

That nobody judges us;

But mostly?

Why did you know

That we'd keep on living without you?