There's a funny thing about everything we go through in life. You never know what's going to happen next. Sometime's we expect too much out of life, other times, too little. But what we never really do is sit back and just take things as they come with no expectations, just let things roll along smoothly. Because sometimes, when the going gets tough, and making it through gets even tougher, we fail to realize the gift that has been given to us through it.
I often wonder why I go through so much bullshit and depression in my life; why I encounter so many things which bring me down, and make me just want to give up on everything and everyone. Every-time something good starts in my life, everything bad has to follow. For example, I finally start going out with a guy that I really truly like, and I know likes me back a lot. And what happens? One of my ultimate best friends tells me she can't be friends with me anymore because she's jealous. Jealous of me?! I'm shocked, I don't think there's much about me to be jealous about. But, I was too happy to be brought down. She ended up apologizing and I forgave her. And right after that, she turns around and spreads lies about me. Some friend that was. I was upset, but, having my boyfriend by my side to help me through, I moved on fairly quickly.
Before I knew what was happening, I fell in love with him. Not just the little 'puppy love' thing, I mean true love. He was the one who admitted it to me first, and things were going great. The next great part was how close another one of my friend's and I got. See, myself and this particular friend had a very rocky friendship to begin with. And suddenly out of nowhere we began to get really close. My boyfriend and I grew really close, and my friendships with many people grew stronger. I was in such bliss I forgot my most important rule; to keep up my barriers so I can't get hurt.
Next, came a huge bump in the road for myself and another best friend. I didn't take that one very well either. I began to think I must be a horrible person to have people turn on me this often. But thankfully, that new friendship I had made was so strong, that he helped me get through it a bit easier. I explained to my boyfriend how I was struggling against depression again, and these things weren't helping. He told me to put my faith in God, so I did.
But soon, I began to worry, like I usually do. There were people going behind my back saying I wasn't good enough for my boyfriend, that he deserved someone prettier, cooler, and more popular. Normally these kinds of things wouldn't get to me, but suddenly I started to wonder if my boyfriend was wishing I was prettier and all those things. I finally got up the nerve to talk to him about how I was feeling, and he told me he wasn't thinking any of those things. He loved me so much and would never dream of breaking up with me. I love how those promises always fail.
The next day, after reassuring me he wouldn't break up with me, guess what? He broke up with me. I lost it. I'd never cried over a guy in m entire life, and there I was, bawling my eyes out all Saturday afternoon. He told me he still loved me, but we couldn't be together anymore. To this day, I still don't understand it. I went totally depressive after that. I barely held down my dinner Saturday night, not knowing that it would be the last meal I'd be able to eat for the next few days. I didn't sleep well that night either, I was continually waking up from nightmares about the break-up. The next morning I refused to go to Church. Me, the one who hates missing Church. I just had no effort to go. I sat at home and cried all morning until my friend Jenn came over. She begged my parents to let her take me out, so we went over to her house to watch movies.
Even though I didn't feel completely better, I was starting to cheer up. That was, until a certain song came on in one of the movies. Once again, the tears flowed freely. I had never hurt so much in my life. I just wanted the pain to stop, wanted to move on. But no matter what I did, I couldn't stop thinking about him, and about everything we had together.
Jenn took me home at 5 like she was supposed to and my sister and her friends convinced me to go a youth service called 'The Way'. I didn't think it was a good idea, but my mom insisted I go since I had missed church that morning. Bad idea. No sooner had the service started and I was bawling my eyes out again. By the end of the night, I just had no will to go on. I stayed home from school Monday and slept most of the day away. That's all I wanted to do, was sleep. Because when I slept, at least the nightmares were gone, and I know longer had to feel the pain and the hurt.
I talked to him online Monday afternoon. It tore me to shreds. He wants to continue our friendship, and he was trying to act all buddy-buddy with me. I couldn't handle it. That night before I went to bed, I begged and pleaded with God to make me stop loving him, if I didn't love him, I wouldn't feel the hurt or pain anymore. God never answered that prayer. I stayed home again on Tuesday, and did much the same thing. I went to work that night, and had a difficult time forcing a smile on my face for the customers. I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. I was ready to give up completely. To give in to the depression, and to just let the world fade away from me.
Well, the next morning, my parents made me go to school. I still felt like shit, and I didn't want to go. But I went. And, just my luck, the first song that came on the radio made me want to cry again. I was depressed all morning; very few of my friends succeeded in getting a smile out of me. And then, third period came. I sat with Brad, and suddenly, for the first time in four days, I was laughing again. In fact, Brad had me laughing the entire class. By the time class was over, I was in a great mood.
I was able to think straight again, and suddenly things became clear to me. And the biggest one of all, the one I hadn't realized, was what had been said to me by a 13 year old. He told me the night that Blake broke up with me, that there had been a purpose why Blake and I had been together, because it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't part of our fate's, and that the purpose was to teach me to love. And I realized, he was right. As much as I got hurt in all of it, this had taught me to love. Because until Blake, as I said earlier, I had never allowed myself to love before. Mine and Blake's time was up, but I had learned some valuable lessons from our time together.
And as I sat there thinking I realized one more truth. Life never throws at us more than we can handle; we're the ones who give up and give in and let it destroy us. Everything that has happened to me in life, has happened for a reason, and through every situation, I have come out stronger than before. Maybe not necessarily for myself, but stronger for everyone else. I've been told recently that it's my strength and courage to make it through the tough times that inspires others to do the same. So perhaps then, each thing I go through is merely another way to show people it is possible to come through That perseverence, the will to go on, and the stubbornness to never give in are the key ingredients to survival in life. It's tough, and sometimes you want nothing more but to give in. But within all of us lies the strength to make it through whatever is thrown at us, we just have to be willing to do it. Hurt will go away, other loves will be found, and wounds will heal with time.