A last string of hope breaks and I'm still lost in this struggle, trying to figure out what I am doing and why I am doing it. I can't seem to take this anymore. It is too much. I have novels to finish and in which I can't get anything done with. I have a heart that is shattering within me and whose shards constantly dig into my lungs and soul so that they bleed more than my eyes bleed when they cry. I am lost in life and in the route of my own future. And I just can't seem to find the way home.

I just can't seem to find the way home.

At night when I dream dreams that never fail to spark my imagination or make me long for the day someone will hold me and say how much they love me. I can't wait until the time I see something spectacular happen before my eyes. I can't wait until I am free from all bonds and reality--where I am myself to laugh, cry, sing, and yell as I will. And I can't wait for the time I am finally myself, somewhere lost in an adventure or in a fairy-tale love.

I wish it could happen. I wish it would all come true.

But dreams rarely come true. And I know my will never become my reality. I have no life, I can say that much. I stare into empty space and I have nothing to think about--no dreams, no future... My mind is all in shambles and the imagination I once had, has vanished somewhere in all the jumble. I can't seem to find my dreams--or where I want to go next. I can't seem to find my future. I can't seem to find what I want and what that thing is. It's all foggy...so foggy that I can't see past anything and my mind has paralyzed itself into not thinking.

Where am I? What am I doing? And why am I here? Why do I keep doing this? I can't seem to find any meaning in my life... I live for no purpose and the only purpose I have for not committing suicide right now is... Well, I'm not sure, really. I don't think I really have a reason other than that I don't want people who love me to get hurt.

Because I know, even though they don't seem to care much right now, they would probably regret everything if I died. And I don't want that. I don't want them to get hurt in any way because of me.

But what else can I do? I live this existance merely as an existance of a corpse. I feel suffocated and can't seem to find my way out of a dark chamber. I don't know what I want or how I want it. I just want escape. Escape from all this and the world around me.

I want to fly.

But how do I fly? It is impossible. My dreams are impossible. Every time I see a dream, it is shattered by my reality and I am forced to cope with it every time. My life the ends when it begins and the cycle is nothing more than the same thing repeating itself over and over again.

I'm so sick of it.

I'm so sick of not being able to do anything or to say anything. I'm so tired of trying so hard and not getting where I need to get. I'm tired of trying. I want to give up now. I want to give up and let life do whatever it wants to do with me just before I die. I hate what goes around me and I can't change the world for what it is. I hate how things are put together and how I can't do a thing about it. I hate standing here and trying to cope while coping is impossible.

I want to fly. I want to fly high.

--But then the air is empty and the wind is silent. My wings have been clipped and the hope in my eyes shines no more.

How can I fly in these conditions? How can I fly at all?

Author's Note: Sorry that I haven't been around very much these pase few months. School has been hectic and combined with writing, band, and a new job, I have been extremely busy and/or too tired to do much of anything. The essay above was written through instinct and it is something that has been on my mind for quite some time. I needed to post it somewhere and decided that this would make a good update, even though it is nothing compared to what I have been writing so far.

Anyway, I hope you are all enjoying the holiday season. I hope to review soon--hope. If I am lucky, I will get to read some more poems by all of you wonderful FictionPress poets and post more of my own. A big thank you to all of you that have reviewed my work so far. I haven't gotten back to all the reviews yet, but I will keep trying to find bits of time to get everything.

Until next time,