NH Productions present
an Egyptian Myths Retold story

The Creation

In the beginning there was nothing. And then God said, let there be light and--

Oh. Wrong creation.

There was a great, big sea in which frogs and snakes and various unholy offspring happily frolicked, under the strict eye of chaperone Apophis.

Suddenly a hill rose from the ooze of life and on it, er... a flower bloomed and inside it was an egg that an ibis had put there. It just had. At some point.

Yeah, that'll work.

Anyway, from this egg hatched Ra, the Golden Child and He looked around and saw that it was all pretty damn boring, so He went about bothering Apophis. After a while of this, during which the great snake had sworn to eat the little divine brat if He continued - which had NOTHING to do with His decision to stop, no SIR! - Ra figured out that this little dangly thing between His legs was kind of nice, and poof!

(Note: Ra didn't have an elderly gran to tell Him He'd go blind.)

After killing a few dozen kittens, there sat His son and daughter, Shu and Tefenet, deities of respectively air and moisture. They both thought this were pretty sucky positions, but one does not argue with the Creator. Not unless one is Seth or Horus, one being powerful enough to do so and the other being stupid enough.

Ra also claimed that Nun, the water from which He had risen, was His son which led to many, many paradoxes. To save them all a head ache, at some point Nun had started calling Ra dad. Everyone was quite happy.

Anyway!

Shu and Tefenet got rather fond of each other, on account that Ra was bothering Apophis again and thus not very attractive to either of the kids. Sheer idiocy rarely is.

Right, air and moisture did their thing and soon Nut and Geb were born. They were sky and earth, by the way, and they were - shall we say - even more fond of each other than their parents. Ra finally got Himself pried out of Apophis mouth and saw these kids.

Ra, bless Him, is a petty soul and He got rather jealous. So He pulled aside Shu and said, "Push those kids of yours apart. What'll people think? Also, what does Nut see in that earthy fellow?"

Shu, rather used to these little quirks, pushed Nut and Geb part without further ado and then promised to give them both time-out if they kept wailing about him being the 'greatest dork ever'. He also gave them a long, long lecture on responsibility when he found out Nut had a euphemistic bun in the oven. Well, five, actually.

Ra got even grumpier and used His 133+ ninja divine power skeelz for the interesting curse that Nut was not allowed to give birth on any of the year's 360 days. No one knew why He had to be so damn specific, but it was rather lucky for Nut, since the god Thoth--

Oh, yes, forgot about him.

While all this other stuff was happening, and while Ra wasn't busy throwing rocks at Apophis, He created a few other gods, either by accident or for kicks. With someone as ditzy as the Creator, it's really hard to tell. These gods were Thoth - well, kind of; he was also the product of a homosexual affair later on, which we'll get to. Confused? Good. - the god of wisdom; Hathor, goddess of beauty and happy drunks, whom we speculate was created because Ra needed to get laid; Bastet, Goddess of the home, though we're still not sure why Ra needed her at that point; and Sekhmet, goddess of War, which we theorise had something to do with Ra's inflated sense of importance about His tantrums at Apophis.

Also, we should probably give a brief mention to the fact that Egypt was created around this time, and the rest of the world after it.

Anyway, Thoth felt sorry for Nut and her plight, and quick as that invented checkers, challenging Ra to play for time. I think it is established that Ra is not the brightest bulb in the mental department, so Thoth did manage to get a good five days out of the wager, which he then asked to be added to the year. Which it was. In which Nut could give birth.

Indeed.

On the first day she bore a kid with a golden crown, which Geb heard a lot about, at the top of Nut's lungs, but Ra contrarily decreed that because of the crown - rather than the fact he was the oldest - young Osiris should be king of the gods.

On the second day, Nut gave birth to Haroeris, who's not really all that important, and probably became known as Horus later on, who is Osiris' son. Don't think too hard on it, just smile and nod. Horus is protector of the kings, so let's just say the same about Haroeris.

On the third day, with a lot of pain, she bore Seth. Well, not really. See, the reason for the pain was Seth throwing a hissy-fit and coming out - all Alien-like - through her side. Nut was not pleased with him after this. This should probably also be the time to mention that Seth was god of power, evil, chaos, trickery, rebellion, redheads and drunken brawls. Oh, and deserts. Did we mention evil?

On the fourth day, Nut bore Isis in a quite normal fashion, and they probably sat after the birth, drinking tea and gossiping, while trying to keep Seth away from the cookies. Also, Isis - goddess of magic - was in love with Osiris and they got married post haste.

On the fifth and final day she bore Nephtys, who was probably the only normal person in that batch. She was goddess of the home and of comfort (don't ask about Bastet), and she got married to Seth, appearantly because Isis got married to Osiris. This begs the question of why she didn't just marry Haroeris.

These gods, as in Ra, Shu, Tefenet, Geb, Nut, Osiris, Isis, Seth and Nephtys, became what is affectionately called the Ennead. Probably those damn Greeks invented that word, and now you can also see how unimportant Haroeris were. But don't worry, little falcon buddy! You'll get a legend all to yourself later on!