I was left to lay on my bed, quieter than the darkest nights. They had told me I hadn't much hope left, they told me I was soon to pass away. They left me, tears amongst their crystal eyes, as they silently told themselves I was going nowhere, that I would be with them in their hearts and minds. What did they care of my tears? They feared how they would go on without me. What did they care of my fears? Was it not I who was to die? Was it not I who was left alone in the darkest of nights, the darkest of hours, in the darkest depths of my soul, left alone with only my Creator?
The time came near, the time where I would stand before him, ready to confess for my sins, ready to repent for my mistakes. The time neared where I would stand before him and look back down at the world, look down at all the suffering, the pain, and the inevitable that was to come. That time neared, but I was scared of it. Who was I to say I had never sinned? Plenty of them have I! To apologize for every last one of them would take all eternity and I am a catholic. What the non-religious must have in their own dark corners; treacherous deeds of unmistaken able sin. What it must be like for them to face their Creator, only to turn their back on Him. Fools!
My breath draws shallow as the room only grows darker. It seems that even the torches have failed me, joining in the fleeting of my fellow humans. What friends would leave the dying? What friends would stay? What friends are left? Perhaps, yes, perhaps they have gone to seek help! Perhaps they have faith in the will of the medicine; perhaps they have gone for my sake. Woe, in my darkest moments has my own mind turned against me. It eludes me with falsity and lies. It deceives me in my darkest hour. What have I left? I truly ask thee!
Have the cushions beneath me turned to stone? Have they found no use under me? Have they too found a reason to leave me? Comfort has long since left my weary body and security long since fled my mind. I'm lost, in myself itself. Has everyone deserted me? What, in my lifetime, unspeakable act did I put forth to deserve such things of iffy and uncertainty? Is my success nothing now? All that I put my heart into, all that I stood for, has it all dissipated now, into nothing but the wind? Why? Why me?
Perhaps I can rest for a while, conserve my strength. Yes, perhaps I may rest this weary body but for a moment in time. The eyelids, they close themselves out of sheer wither. Everything feels so limp, everything's going weak. My arms have lost the strength, my hands no longer clenched. It feels as if I'm struggling to hold on, struggling to hold onto the earthly world. Something real, something that I can hold, something to go beneath my grasp, a step under my feet, something to hold me steady. It seems I'm slipping, away, slowly. Why me?
No! I'm not leaving. I'm merely passing. I'll be there, in spirit! I'll be with them, my 'friends'. I'll be there with them, if not in flesh, in spirit, with life eternal. I shall be with them for all eternity, guiding them to and through life. I shall be there. But -I is so weak; it feels like I'm slipping. I can't. I won't. Let me live, if only for a shorter time. I must, please, just through the night? I beg of you!
The room, it's lit again, the fires have returned to me! My friends, they weep at the doorway, tears of mixed emotion. A bargain, I bargained. Only for a night did I haggle. What was His price? What did He ask of me for what I've asked of Him? Was it only my life that I relinquished? Was it not? Was there more? Whatever it may be, I am here, for time being, why put such a well priced barter to waste?
My state, no longer does it feel frail and fragile. If willing I was I would stand, walk perhaps, but no, I must lie here, awaiting my peace. I'll wait, the spirit no longer afraid, but willing. I'll wait till it washes over me like a wave, to refresh a tired mind, renew a lifetime. I shall wait in peace. I shall wait.
And with my last breath, I closed my eyes, those that saw my weeping friends and the dancing flames. I closed them to weariness and waited with a smile for that wave. It would soon come, be here to relieve my pain, here to renew my life and refresh my mind. Let it wash away my remains as my spirit lives on, here on this earth, to help, to guide, to comfort my friends as they go on, without me, with me. I bid them a good life, with me by their sides. I bid the fires farewell as my spirit burns among them but I float away. I bid the cushions adieu, as they can no longer comfort my lifeless body.
And to my mind, thank you! For your deception, your illusions, your deceit, thank you. If nothing, you brought me peace, true it was false, nothing but lies, but to the weak like me, you brought forth nothing but joy, happiness, and comfort.
Now let me fly, forward and onward, my spirit dance with the fires, my soul stand by my friends, and my body be buried for the earth. I fly on, into the next world, but my mark is surely something that will stay; something to dwell in the hearts of many, and the minds of few.
On I fly…
On I burn like the fires.
My soul, the eternal flame…