Authors Notes: - There is a new show on MTV where a girl/guy raids the rooms of three possible mates. Basically is a voyeuristic romp through hell with lots of narcissistic bitching. Half the time I hate the people doing the raiding since they come off as arrogant bastards. Anyway, this is Room Raiders with some of my characters. More chapters to come.


Room Raiders

Seth removed the lid from his hot Chai and gently blew across the steaming surface. After repeating this a few times he took a tentative sip then sighed in pleasure. He stepped carefully off the icy sidewalk and walked around the front of his bright yellow cab, towards the driver side door. With his free hand he fished through the pocket of his corduroy jacket for his keys. As he withdrew the key chain laden mass of metal from his pocket a white van pulled up behind him. He paused, lifted his head and started to turn around. The back door of the van flew open and two men tumbled out, grabbed him by the arms and bodily dragged him into the van. His Chai hit the ground and quickly melted the thin layer of ice and snow coating the asphalt. The doors slammed shut and the van shot off down the road, with their captive locked away inside.

In a nearby part of town, David was devouring a whole medium pepperoni pizza by himself. Several other patrons who had braved the cold weather and late hour watched him in twisted fascination. One by one he would pick up a slice, fold it in half length wise then eat it in three to four bites, with minimal chewing. Within moments the meal vanished. With a sated sigh David patted his belly then went to sipping at his coke. Once that was gone as well he dropped a twenty dollar bill on the table, stood and headed towards the door. Sally, who was standing behind the cash register beside the door waved to him as he passed. David dipped his head to her as he pushed open the door and stepped out into the cold.

Across the street from Sally's Pizza was David's clunker. It was four different colors, with primer gray being the main base and the other three being a mix of blood clot red, baby vomit green and flecks of cobalt blue thrown in at seeming random. He paused on the edge of the sidewalk, looked both ways, waited for several cars to pass then started towards his car. As he arrived at the door he started searching for his keys. First he looked in the pocket of his fleece coat, that wasn't warm enough for the weather and then in the pants of his jeans, which had too many holes in them to effectively ward off the cold. He frowned and sighed, obviously having misplaced his keys. With a shrug he jumped over the door and into the driver's seat. An easy task for him to accomplish as the hood of his car had long since been lost. He leaned over and pulled out a collection of wires spilling out from under his dash.

As he sorted through the multicolored car guts the same white van pulled up beside him. He stopped what he was doing, sat up and looked over. The van didn't move and the doors didn't open up right away. He frowned, raised an eyebrow and started to turn back to the dash when the back doors flung open. Immediately he scrambled over the passenger seat and started to pull himself out of his car but the pair of burly men who had just moments before snatched his friend rushed around either side of his car and jumped towards him. David yelped and squeezed past the both of them. They pivoted and one grabbed the back of his coat while the other jumped forward and wrapped his arms around the skinny man's waist. He squirmed valiantly but was quickly and unceremoniously thrown into the back of the van, at the feet of his friend, Seth. David looked up and blinked in confusion at the older man. Seth simply smirked and patted him on the side of his head, avoiding the prominent blue Mohawk that sprouted out of his head. The doors to the van snapped shut as the two men piled in and the vehicle quickly started down the road, joining the thin line of traffic that was headed uptown.

Donovan sighed in contentment and folded up the news paper he'd just been reading. He placed the neatly folded up paper atop the sports section which hadn't been touched. Pushing off of his light brown Italian leather couch he walked towards the fire place, where the fire inside of it was quickly dying down. He picked up the fire poker and pushed aside the metal grating that guarded the fireplace. With the fire poker he prodded what was left of the logs until the fell into a pile of ashes and still barely burning coals. Setting the poker aside he opened up a hand carved maple wood box that rested beside the fireplace and removed several logs from it, then placed them carefully onto the iron grating that rested over the coals. He watched for a moment to make sure that the remaining fire spread to the news logs before he turned away and headed towards the kitchen.

Before he made it to the refrigerator a knock came at the front door. He paused and looked over with a mild frown. Donovan shrugged and went to the door, pulling it open without looking out of the peep hole. He soon regretted this decision. The pair of large men that had taken away the Seth and David lunged forward as soon as the door came open and unceremoniously snatched him up. They hauled him to the elevator then out of the building where he quickly joined the others in the back of the now thoroughly cramped van.

The three men exchanged glances then Seth smirked and shrugged.

"I did warn you they would do this." He said with a soft laugh.

"I had expected them to come but not to be so… rushed." Donovan said dryly, dusting at his long sleeved white dress shirt.

David plucked at his fleece coat mournfully. When one of the goons and grabbed him the fabric and torn around his neck. "Now I need a new coat."

"Oh David, I'll buy you a new one." Donovan sighed.

The two men pushed some buttons on various displays around the van and a large TV lit up behind the group. They all turned and looked. On the TV was a young woman, an obvious IAP, complete with bottle blond hair. Her hips were almost as narrow as her waist and she wore a pair of hip huggers to show off this fact. The tiny midriff t-shirt she wore made her relatively small perky breasts look a little more impressive than they already were. A distorted smiley face leered from between the cheerful mounds of flesh, suggesting the shirt was just a little too tight for her.

"Hi boys." She said cheerfully with a slight southern California accent. "My name is Tina and I'm going to be picking one of you based on your rooms. Hope you didn't leave anything incriminating lying around."

"I'm doomed." David moan, dipping his head.

Donovan patted him on the back but didn't say anything in response to the IAP's playful remark. Seth simply smirked confidently and leaned back. The camera followed the young woman as she walked towards a house. She whistled and looked around with wide eyes.

"Wow, this is an impressive place." Tina said in awe. "I didn't think I'd find much when they said you still lived with your parents. But I guys when you live in the guest house that's a lot better than living in the basement!"

"We really should think about setting John up with this show." Seth snickered.

"But he's got a girlfriend, doesn't that count him out?" David said, lifting his head to glance at his friend.

"It's not like any girl would pick him anyway." Seth shrugged.

"John is an excellent catch." Donovan said passively, not really putting much effort into defending him.

"And she did come to him…" David moaned and dipped his head again. "How does the nerd do it? What does he got that I don't?"

"A girlfriend?" Seth suggested, patting him on the back comfortingly.

David glared at him then looked at the TV. Donovan rolled his eyes and watched disinterestedly. Tina opened up Seth's door and walked into the house, which was dwarfed by the mansion that stood only a handful of yards away. Inside white carpet covered the floors until they met the kitchen where tiles that looked like they were made of pearls took over. White marble top counters were covered with various kitchen tools. A blender, an expensive mixer, pots and pans hanging over an island that matched the counters, the camera panned around the living room and focused on the white sofa set. Tina walked over to the couch and ran her hand over the material.

"Ooo, soft." She crooned. "A little stark but very clean."

Over the couch rested a Mucha lithograph. She stared at it blankly for a moment then frowned. "What's with the poster?"

Seth groaned and all but fell over. "Poster!? That's a Mucha lithograph you philistine!"

The other two laughed. "I doubt she knows what a lithograph is." Donovan said after a good laugh.

Tina rolled her eyes and turned away from the picture and walked towards the bedroom. She turned the knob and pushed open the door, peering in hesitantly. Inside the bedroom was painted black, with marble tiles covering the floor. She stepped inside and walked towards the bed.

"Wow, it's so… dark. And there's another one of those weird posters. Not very colorful." Tina said pursing her lips and frowning at the large picture of a woman with long flowing hair holding a harp. She suddenly smirked and held up a silver suitcase. "Well, I should get to work."

"With every word that comes out of her mouth I think less of her." Seth remarked dryly.

"She's hardly that bad." Donovan said glancing over at him.

Tina set the suit case down on the black silk covered bed and turned around, facing the closet. "First things first, let's see what skeletons he's got in his closet."

She smiled broadly and David snickered as she flung open the walk in closet door. Her face first registered profound confusion, then slowly dawning horror followed by absolute embarrassment. Tina stepped back stammering and the camera zoomed in on what was in the closet. Hanging from the ceiling was a sling and stirrups, the kind of devise that was intended for only one purpose, sex. All around it on shelves were various toys, accoutrements and accessories for similar extracurricular activities.

"I uh… think I'm going to need my gloves for this." Tina said shyly, her face bright red.

Seth raised an eyebrow. "What? She's acting like she's never seen anything in there before."

"For all you know that could be the case." David pointed out.

"I'd doubt that, and if she said something to that effect I wouldn't believe her."

"I agree." Donovan said with a nod. "She will act far more innocent than she truly is."

"Maybe some people are just innocent." David protested, looking from one to the other.

Both stared at him with similar doubting expressions. David shrugged and looked back to the TV, they followed suit.

Tina opened up the suitcase and put on a pair of latex gloves. She took a deep breath and ventured into Seth's closet. Gingerly pushing aside the sling she stepped deeper inside and looked around her.

"There aren't even any clothes in here… just… things." She stammered. Staring about in shock.

"I don't keep my clothes in the closet obviously." Seth said while rolling his eyes.

"Well… I might as well… get started." She bent over and peered at one of the shelves then jumped up and back. "Oh my god it's a dildo!"

"I don't think I'll ask what you do with it." Donovan said without looking at Seth.

"Hey, sometimes it's a useful tool." Seth said in his own defense.

"Yeah like, remember that movie where the guy beat that guy to death with a dildo?" David suddenly interjected. The other two men fell silent and stared at him. He sunk down a little and shrugged. "What?"

Donovan sighed and said offhandedly. "I suppose I just never needed the extra help."

"Oh, la-de-da, aren't you a smooth bastard." Seth snorted, leaning back against the seat behind him.

Tina gingerly reached towards the shelf and withdrew a fairly large translucent dildo shaped like a cartoonish penis. She looked it over with a fear filled expression then put it back. "Ok, now I'm really afraid of what this guy is like."

She quickly left behind the closet and looked at the camera. "I think I'll keep the gloves on."

"What does she think I do? Run around my house jacking off on everything?" Seth said with a little heat in his voice.

"Just wait until she gets to my place." David muttered.

"Yes David, we are all aware of your masturbatory practices." Seth sighed in a sing-song voice.

"What does that mean?" David snapped, sitting up straight, glaring at Seth.

"Nothing." His friend smirked.

"Oh look, she found your dresser." Donovan said, pointing.

Tina pulled out the first drawer and looked in with a frown. She began to paw through the clothes and held up a pair of pants. "Well, they look clean, if a little weird. What are all these loops for?"

"They're bondage pants." Seth told the screen.

"I can't help but wonder how… useful those pants are." Donovan smirked.

"Trust me, lots of women love them." She chuckled and winked at Donovan.

"I think I will stick with my usual wardrobe." He sniffed, looking away from the leering Seth.

She continued to look through his dresser drawers. Pulling out fishnet shirts, leather pants, silk drawstring pants, leather shirts, and a single cotton turtle neck. Both men looked at Seth with a raised eyebrow.

"What? My mom got it for me last Christmas." He shrugged looking a little sheepish. "Not everything in there is kinky you know."

"Yeah, some of it is almost normal." David muttered.

"I really should get you at least one suit." Donovan sighed.

"I don't need any suits." Seth protested.

"Everyone needs at least on nice suit." Donovan insisted.

"Where in God's name would I wear it?" He asked leaning over David to glare at Donovan.

David didn't seem to mind Seth all but lying across his lap and in fact leaned against him, resting his arms on his friends back. Donovan looked down at Seth. "I host many events where formal or semi-formal clothing is required."

"But you never invite me."

"How about you invite Seth instead of me to the next gathering?" David suggested sweetly, batting his blue eyes at Donovan.

"No." Donovan said glancing at him sharply then looking back to Seth. "Perhaps I would if I knew you would have something more to wear than… bondage gear."

David suddenly giggled. They both looked at him then the TV. Tina was opening the drawer in the desk beside Seth's bed. Seth sighed and slumped against David. She reached into the drawer and pulled out a roll of condoms. Her eyes grew wide as she studied them. She looked to the camera.

"Oh my… they're… extra large." Her cheeks redden slightly.

"That doesn't say much." Seth mumbled, propping his chin up on his hands, resting his elbows on David's knees.

"Really? Why's that?" David asked curiously.

"Because the extra large in that brand is just a large. They call it extra large to appeal to people's egos." He explained casually.

"The fact that you know that much disturbs me." Donovan said, glancing down meaningfully at Seth.

"Hey, at least condoms aren't made out of sheep's bladder anymore." Seth pointed out, looking at Donovan just as meaningfully.

"Don't remind me." Donovan flinched.

"Eww. Can we not talk about this anymore." David said with a big disgusted look.

"Well, at least I know he's… adequate." Tina giggled and replaced the roll. "Now let's see how clean his sheets are!"

She jumped up and removed a black light lamp from the suitcase and pulled back the sheets from Seth's bed. Seth laughed heartily. David poked him. "What's so funny?"

"I just bought those sheets yesterday. I've only slept in them once."

"And were you alone?" Donovan queried.

"Yes, I was." Seth glared at him slightly.


The lights in Seth's room went out and she leaned over, slowly moving the light over his sheets. She quickly made a disappointed sound. "These are either very new sheets or he's a master at keeping them clean."

"Actually, I am really good at keeping my sheets clean." Seth said proudly.

"Gee aren't you a regular Susie homemaker." David chuckled, prodding Seth in the ribs.

"At least I keep my house clean." He retorted, jabbing his elbow into David's gut.

David stopped poke him and rubbed his belly with a pout. "That hurt."

"Wuss." Seth chuckled.

"Well…" Tina said as the lights came back up. "At first I thought this would turn out to be a great place but the whole closet thing scared me. Not to mention his… tastes in clothes. If you can even call it that. All in all… I'm not even sure what to think of this guy."

"And that's normal." David said to the TV.

"Now let's move onto the next room." Tina said cheerfully, quickly exiting Seth's house.

"Please don't be me." David begged the screen.

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