What I've Become

There are many times in this life were we take a step back and look at what we have become. Not to long ago I did this very thing and honestly, I'm not sure what I see anymore. Now that I think of it though I have never really been sure who I was exactly. Just that I was simply me. Many things that happen around me lack sence or logic, which are two things I often look for. There are things I do not understand about myself or the things happening around me. My heart was crushed not to long ago. I thought I would never stop crying, yet somehow I decided to turn off the pain. As if it could be done at the snap of my fingers. Now I do not feel the pain, or is it just hiding itself? I feel as if nothing had ever happened to me that was ever wrong, although my memories prove to me otherwise. I remember the long nights of tears. I remember the hours of feeling unloved and unwanted. Yet I do not feel them any longer. Why is this? How can it be? Am I some sort of robot who can simply delete this pain from it's system? Am I running away from my pain and suffering, just to have to catch up with me later? I do not know. For I do not know anything anymore. My being has washed away from me without warning. So who am I now? I once would have said I am me, as if it were that simple. Now I sit here in wonderment at this impossible question. If I have to break it down I could say I am a teenage girl, an athlete, a writer, a dream, a hopeless case, and most likely the one thing I could say for sure, emotionless. For love is the greatest emotion and with love comes great pain. So without the pain I have switched off like a light, then there is no love for me anymore. Which is a truely sad feeling, yet I feel no sadness about it. Perhaps I am only fooling myself though, turning myself blind for the time being. I use to write about such people as I have come to be. Blinded by themselves, not wishing to deal with their problems in life. Unhealth for sure, yet I do it all the same. Humans are the oddest creatures I know of. All of our lives we run after the one thing that can hurt us the most. The one thing that can rip up appart easier then anything on this planet. The thought of this makes me take a step back yet again, to see what I've become. Another love sick teenage girl, with a heart broken, and no place left to run.