Internet Junkie's Lament (Part I)
A plague upon you, AO-Hell
You dare cut my connection
Just as I finish this e-mail?
Fie! Fie, I say!
I shall persevere!
Behold, I sign on again!
What is this? Unable to connect to the server?!
I condemn you to internet purgatory
May your modem corrupt and devour your children while you sleep.
Internet Junkie's Lament (Part II)
Eat my shorts, AO-Hell
I have high-speed broadband now!
You cannot disconnect me!
I cast thee out, internet-demon!
What is this? We receive a weak signal?
The internet is out entirely? No e-mail?
Bah. I can survive.
What is this? No one comes until between noon and two Saturday? But it is Monday!
I condemn you to internet purgatory, broadband. High-speed, my rear.
I disown my weak connection. There are no weak connections here. We will pump you up!
…But not until between noon and two, Saturday
May you be beaten to death with your own keyboards, Comcast sadists.
Internet Junkie's Lament (Part III)
I lean my head against the window and despair.
It is 1:14 Saturday. I crave my e-mails.
Where is the person promised? It is between noon and two!
I have waited far too long to check my e-mails.
Soon I shall be overcome with need to speak with pauses between words to convey drama, ala Star Trek commander.
Soon I shall drown in my desperation, depression, and despair. Already I alliterate—is there no hope left?
They call. Now they come at 2:30.
No one knows my pain.
Hotmail, sweet Hotmail, wait for me… If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord to let me check my e-mails…
My inbox must be in ruins. What cruel, twisted soul devises such torture? Why must I suffer so?
My Nationstates countries must be overcome by anarchy. So many issues…
And no AIM. I am an outcast. No broadband has turned me into an online leper.
My cable internet, oh my cable internet, why hath thou forsaken me?
Comcast is the new face of Satan. May they be strangled in their own power cords.