Mr. Limbertake's Sensitivity School Schedule:
1. Begin with the singing of Culture Club's "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?"
2. Embroider lace hearts onto white satin doilies
3. Read passages out loud from a cheesy romance novel of Mr. Limbertake's choice
4. Enjoy a light refreshments break of English tea with lemon and some spotted dick
5. Finish the last half of Titanic, then start on the first of Gone with the Wind's four hours
"All right, class," Mr. Limbertake announced in a nasal, high-pitched, and very badly imitated false British accent, "now that we're all done with our doilies, it is time to begin the reading of a romance novel." A strident buzz erupted from within the classroom, as his frustrated male chauvinist students loudly punctuated their complaints with obscene oaths and death threats. Mr. Limbertake happily ignored his pupils' discontent--as well as the several hanging attempts with butterfly-embroidered taffeta nooses that had sprung up in the back--and instead waded through the sea of misery to fetch his book, a slender, hardcover edition with a glossy picture of Fabio on the front.
"Ahem! Ahem! Ahem!" Mr. Limbertake squeaked out the perfunctory throat-clearings, before opening the lightweight volume and stroking his fuzzy goatee as he began to read. "Journey to Amore. In diebus illis--that means once upon a time, for those of you who don't speak Latin"--a couple of middle fingers went up in the front row--"there were two kingdoms that existed only very briefly in the annals of history: the kingdom of Whales, and the kingdom of Luxemburger. In due time, Whales lost an infringement lawsuit to Wales and was forced to assimilate with the latter kingdom. Luxemburger, on the other hand, merely got tired of weary travelers constantly knocking on its doors and rudely demanding grease-dripping fast food along with cheap mass-produced toys for their children. To solve this problem, the tiny kingdom dropped the -er from its name and became simply Luxemburg. However, in the short amount of time that these two long forgotten kingdoms were in existence, they had enough time to betroth Prince Hero the Handsome of Whales to Princess Emerald of Luxemburger. On a fine day that spring, Prince Hero the Handsome sailed to the kingdom of his bride-to-be, taking with him three ships, one hundred servants, fifty chests of gold as a wedding gift to the Luxemburgerian monarchy, and ten thousand changes of wardrobe so that he could look his handsomest for his first meeting with Princess Emerald. And that is where our story begins..."