Welcome to the FREAK SHOW

Hosted by Julie (A-Light-From-Your-Darkness)

~Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world premier extravaganza of 'THE FREAK SHOW!' Please welcome your host…(insert very cool drum roll) JULIE!

[Julie, me, walks into room and pushes drummer aside, while waving to the empty audience seats]

[Sits down and starts to rock the kit]

Julie- This is my new show, people, Welcome to the FREAK SHOW. My name is Julie but you all might know me as A-Light-From-Your-Darkness. This is my first show and I'm so happy to be here, with all of you. [wipes fake tear and extends arms out to empty audience seats]

*silence*

Julie- Anyway…[tugs shirt collar away from neck nervously] Um, [shifty eyes and looks nervously at camera man who signals to bring out the guest.] Let's bring out our first guest for today! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, the one and only, the lovely, beautiful and talented (coughs something inaudible-but-strangely-resembling-the-words-'yeah right') Romantic Chic. (laughs and smiles nervously)

Romantic Chic-  Hello, what's the new light in your darkness, Julie?

Julie- Ooh, I'd love to say but he might be watching this! [blushes furiously] Besides, you know that anyway! (squints trying to read teleprompter) So we know from your name, 'Romantic Chic', that you obviously write romance, but what we want to know is, what's 'Beneath the Surface'. Haha, cheap advertising, let's go with that. (man turns fake laughing machine on and off.)

Chic- Well nothing much really, just school and work.

Julie- Haha, that's so funny. (slaps knee in laughter)

Chic- What? What's so funny?!

Julie- School and work! Haha.

*silence*

Julie- Okay, well anyway…so how are you?

Chic- No, the real question is: how are you?

Julie- Um…

Chic- I mean, how are you, on the inside?

Julie- Um…how about we just move on?

Chic- Yeah, okay let's!

Julie- Great. So erm, what's your story behind writing?


Chic- Well I guess it all started as a hobby and-

Julie- Okay, that's enough of that, that's about as interesting as watching my laundry spin around and around and around and around and-

Chic- (Slaps Julie)

Julie- Thanks, I needed that.

Chic- Anytime.

Julie- (eyes wide in fear) ANYTIME? (gasps) SECURITY! SECURITY! GET HER OUT OF HERE, SHE'S THREATENING ME!

[Security rushes in and hauls Romantic Chic away.]

Chic- I WON'T BE SILENCED

Julie- A gag should do the trick!

(technician turns laughing machine on.)

Julie- Well that was one FictionPress writer, let's meet another. She's new to FictionPress but certainly not knew to the idea, she still owns an account on fan fiction, please welcome my very own crazy friend, also good for bugging, the author of Hold On, Lady-In-The-Dark! (glares at man operating the clapping machine to turn it all the way up)

[Lady-In-The-Dark walks into room]

Julie- Someone turn off the lights, it has to be dark! (glares at technician and giggles as lights go off)

[Lady-In-The-Dark trips over table]

Lady- [yelling] LIGHTS! [lights go on.]

Julie- Hey, that's my job! LIGHTS! [lights go off.] (mutters something about stupid technician and yells) I MEANT LIGHTS ON! [lights go on and we find Lady-In-The-Dark on the floor in a heap]

[Runs over to help her up]

Julie- Lady-In-The-Dark everybody! [points at her.]

[Fake clapping machine goes on and fades out as Lady-In-The-Dark and Julie find their way to their seats]

Julie (sitting comfortable)- So Lady-In-The-Dark what made you get into writing?

Lady- Ummm, a certain someone had faith on me!

Julie- Aww, that's sweet! (glares at the man operating the 'aww' machine and the 'audience' goes AWW!)

*silence after machine goes off*

[Julie staring blankly]

Julie- OH! So you like T.V, right?! Oh what am I saying, everyone likes television. (laughing machine goes on and off quickly leaving Julie laughing) Haha, (glares at the man behind the machine) Anyway, so what's your favourite television show?

Lady- Ummm, a lot

Julie- (fake laughter) Oh, isn't that so descriptive!(through gritted teeth then whispers) Work with me here!

Lady (Whispering back)- Your microphone can still hear you!

Julie- (looks at mic on shirt) Eh-he-he…

*silence*

Julie- So anyway… Why Lady in the dark, why not man?

Lady- (with big sweat drop beside head) Do I look like a man to you, WOMAN! Or are you the MAN! HUH?!

Julie- (mouths to technician to turn the lights off) Muwahahahaha! (Lights go off and someone screams bloody murder.) LIGHTS!

[lights go back on and we see Lady-In-The-Dark on the floor again!]

Julie- (pretends to be shocked) Oh my, did you trip? (rushes over to help her up and they sit down again, Lady rubbing her sore butt) So where were we… Oh yes, do you like my show? (smiles sweetly and bats eyelashes)

Lady- (raises eyebrows) actually… (looks at the camera man who's pointing a shotgun at her) err… (coughs nervously) I LOVE your show! (fitted with nervous smile)

Julie- Aww, thanks, that's so sweet of you! (wipes fake tears away) So, do you think I'm cool?

Lady- (raises eyebrow) Is that suppose to be a trick question? You judge…

Julie- Aha ha ha, you're so funny! (glares with gritted teeth) So one last question before you go! (says with great spite) Who do you think my first celebrity guest should be?!

Lady- You and I both know who I like (says in a dreamy voice) ORLANDO BLOOM (start drooling) (slaps her self) hehe sorry…

Julie- (fake smile)(mutters)Yes you are! I mean eww, you drooled on my couch! Now I have to get that dry cleaned! Ugh! (rolls eyes) Security!!!

[Security guards rush in and grab her by the arms, dragging her away.]

Lady- (yelling) I'LL BE BACK!

Julie- Sure you will…Check out her newest story on Fiction Press: Hold On! Lady-In-The-Dark everybody! (claps for her.) Wow, cheap advertising is fun!

[Technician turns on the 'booing' machine.]

Julie- Ladies and gentlemen, my former technician; Steve! Excuse me for a moment.

[walks behind stage curtain and loud scream is heard]

(Julie walks back on stage with questionable red stuff dripping from her mouth)

Julie- (makes slurping sound as red stuff disappears) So, to introduce our third  guest, please help me welcome one of my friends on Fiction Press, a great writer, and funny as hell when it comes to cement, ladies and gentlemen: DreamNightmare!

[random technician turns on the 'Scream Machine 3000' as guest walks into room.]

(Dream Nightmare also has questionable red stuff dripping from her mouth as Julie and Dream hug.)

Julie- So, Dream, why DreamNightmare? Why not Dream? Or just Nightmare?

Dream- Daddy doesn't love me…he loves the pigeons.

Julie- (stares blankly) O…kay, but what about your name?

Dream- (breaks down in tears) 'They're only pigeons' he says!

Julie- So anyway…which do you prefer: coke or sprite?

Dream- (jumps up and stops crying)Are you stalking me?! (eyes wide in fear)

Julie- (looks around nervously) No, no…never! (shift eyes)

Dream- Oh, well in that case: Sprite, it does the body good like the commercials say…or was that milk?

Julie- (sighs and rubs eyes) I should've been a lawyer like mother told me to! Um, anyway…As a writer, what's your favourite pastime?

Dream- Going to the bagel shop with my squirrel to get a bagel and cream cheese. (giggles)

Julie- Um, okay, (looks at cameraman who signals for next guest) Well before you hit the old dirt road, who do you think should be a celebrity guest on my show?

Dream- Don't make me make my squirrel bite you! (squirrel comes out of nowhere and perches on shoulder)

Julie- Um, yeah, okay, you can go now! (pushes Dream out the entrance)

(Technician turns fake laughter on and ominous music DUN DUN DUN echoes!)

Julie- Well we're almost at the end of my show and I hope you people are enjoying yourselves.

*silence and crickets chirp*

Julie- So…does anyone have any questions for the autho-

Lady- Ha, you can't get rid of me that easily! (Lady-In-The-Dark comes running back out) I told you I'd be back! I TOLD YOU! (runs and pulls microphone from my shirt.) I'm taking over now.

[random technician turns clapping and cheering machine on, on full.]

Lady- Now it's my turn to interview you! Muwahahahaha! LIGHTS! (throws hands up for crazy dramatic insane effect)

[Lights go off and the spot light shines on Lady-In-The-Dark]

Julie- (chuckling softly in the background)

Lady- (rushes over) What's so funny?

Julie- You're supposed to be the Lady-In-The-Dark and the spotlight's on you.

Lady- (sweat drops) So anyway…like I was saying before, it's my turn to interview you. LIGHTS!

[lights go back to normal.]

Julie- Right…(rolls eyes and leans back)

Lady- so what exactly are you?

Julie- Erm, partially human!

Lady- Partially? So what? You're like, alien?

Julie- No, I'm a vamp- I mean I'm a Jedi! (waves hand like obi-wan-kenobi)  And you want to buy me a coke 'cause I'm bloody thirsty. Muwahahahaha!

Lady- (raises eyebrows) Right…so why writing? Why not, sports or…whatever?

Julie- Well, I'm glad you asked because I guess it all started when I was six or seven. Was it six? (mutters to self) well there was that book but was that when I was six or seven? Uh…(counts on fingers)

Lady- Yeah, okay, never mind then! Don't hurt yourself there!

Julie- (quickly shuts up) Ooh, you wanna see my new shoes!? I got them just yesterday! (jumps up and tries to walk into open space.)

Lady- (sticks out foot)

Julie- (trips on foot and falls on familiar surroundings…the floor!) Ooh, this is softer than it is at home! (pats carpet and rubs cheek against it) Mmm…I mean! (bolts upright) Ahem. (straightens out clothes)

Lady- Nice shoes, walk much?

Julie- (sweat drops)So, do you have anymore questions for me?

Lady- Yes, actually, can I do this? (pulls out knife and cuts random painting on the wall.

Julie- (gasps)Well, I guess…if you really want to.

Lady- Well, I really want to do this…(picks up table center piece and hurls at table, shards of glass flying around.)

Julie- (starts humming tune to Canadian National Anthem.)

Lady- I'd be happy if I could do this…(slashes couch with knife) That's for the drool MAN!

Julie- OH CANADA WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE!!! (everyone stares at her) Um…SPARKLE LIGHTS! (runs towards suddenly appeared Christmas tree)

Lady- (Laughing madly, pushes camera man down, pulls set background down, throws flowerpot at floor, pulls off my shoes, and runs off cackling.)

Julie- (comes back to earth and away from tree and looks at second camera) That was my favourite couch. (sniff) And sparkle lights are cool. Well that's my first airing of Welcome to the FREAK SHOW, I hope you enjoyed it.

*silence*

Julie- Ooh, (looks at technician) You're mean! (pouts) This really did suck! My set is trashed, (looks around at slashed couch) my guests, well one of them, has gone loony, I don't have my super cool shoes anymore, and I broke a nail! (goes teary eyed while looking at nail)

[Laughing machine goes on, on high]

Julie- If you guys ever decide to come back, I promise it'll be better! (looks around nervously) Okay, well, I'll try at least.

[Booing machine goes on]

Julie- (stomps off behind curtain and comes back out with a panel with knobs and switches) Muwahahahaha! DIE STUPID MACHINE, DIE! DIE! DIE! (throws machine down and jumps up and down on it)

[Machine makes a mixture of 'aww's', 'boo's', 'laughing', and 'clapping' as it slowly dies.

Julie- (smiles with satisfaction) That's all folks, see you on the next episode of 'Welcome to the FREAK SHOW' (looks around scared at the ominous echo of the name.) I'm gonna go visit my shrink now (licks lips)…bye! (runs off stage, grabbing Christmas tree lights as she goes by, pulling tree down and dragging with her.)

Technician Steve- (runs out holding bleeding neck) SHE'S A VAMPIRE! A VAMPIRE! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

[Second camera fades to black as Steve falls on ground with tongue hanging out…LIKE A DOGGY!]

#A/N: Hey people. Happy Second Chances (that's Julie for Happy New Year)

I've always wanted to try a joke story, or something along the lines of comedy but all my jokes turned out to be Cliché and, well, since it's a new year I've decided to give it another shot so here you have it: Welcome to the FREAK SHOW, hosted by the queen freak herself, ME! By the way I'm nothing like that. I don't have nails to break and I do like shoes but I don't whine like that or anything. And aside from that, everything else is true, cept maybe the vampire part. But  the falling down part! [blushes] hehe…

Anyone want to be my technician, cameraman, or set manager? Just give me your names and I'll put you in! Anyone? No? Nobody? (pouts) okay, I'll just go then…

I want honest opinions please, advice, support, and criticism.

I want to thank, my friends; Romantic Chic, Lady-In-The-Dark, and DreamNightmare who allowed me to interview them, for real, and for letting me take cheap shots at them to make this funny. Hehe, sorry guys!

I'm very sorry about the shameless advertising in the script, I threw it in to add some humor, but I guess everyone has their own opinion.

So with a new year comes a new set of tries and failures. If you would like me to interview you then feel free to add me to your MSN list or AIM list and chat or send me an e-mail. If you have any suggestions for celebrities I should interview, or if you would like to take the roll of a celebrity then please feel free to contact me through the same way as before.

And I thought the vampire part would be funny, so don't flame me on that!

ENJOY THE FREAK SHOW, and stay tuned to the next exciting, hilarious episode of Welcome to the FREAK SHOW.

[Side Note: A huge apology to all fans of Traces of the Past and any of my other stories. There's a cycle that I've put myself in for writing chapters and I happen to be severely stuck on Traces of the Past's chapter. I will not be updating any new chapters, with the exception for Grand Theft Identity, until I post a Traces of the Past chapter. Once again, I am very sorry, but thank you so much for your tremendous patience.]

Signed sincerely,

The Freak Queen Herself,

A-Light-From-Your-Darkness

-Julie-#