... or ...
A Crack Induced Fairy Tale
by Jennifer Douglas
(Scene 1: Granny's bedroom)
(Characters: Red, Daddy, Wolfey, Gingey, Granny)
(Red is by Granny's bed. Wolfey dressed as Granny is in the bed)
Red: My, Granny, what big teeth you have.
Granny (Wolfey): The better to eat you with my dear!
Red: Oh no! Help!
Daddy: Never fear, Daddy's here!
Red: Oh Daddy, Wolfey ate Granny and now she's all scared and don't
know what to do! Do something! Daddy! (whiney tone)
Daddy: Alright, Red my dear. Come here, Wolf!
Wolfey: Can't we talk about this...? (Daddy doesn't listen, swings axe
at wolfey, who falls off bed, now unseen. Daddy keeps chopping)
Daddy: There we go. (Helps Granny up from beside bed)
Granny: Sure was awful dark down there. Rather cozy, though, I must
say. Reminds me of this time.... (Granny keeps talking, no one
Red: Yay! Thanks Daddy! Now can I have that cell phone?
Daddy: We'll talk.
Red: (whiney) Daddy!
(gingerbread man leaps from beside bed)
Gingey: Ta da!
Red: What the?
Gingey: I'm the Gingerbread man! I guess the wolf caught me.
Red: The 'You can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread man' guy?
Gingey: The one and only!
Red: Oh bother!
Gingey: Hey, don't worry about me! I had alot of time to think in that
wolf's stomach. I'm a changed man! (Red and Daddy narrow eyes)
Don't believe me? Look, you guys saved my life. From now on, I'm
dedicating my life to pleasing you.
Red: hmm, I like the sound of that...
(curtains close, much banging and yelling is heard. Curtains
open. Still in granny's room, only a disaster area)
(Daddy drags Gingey in, Red following behind)
Gingey: (struggling) Can't we talk about this?
Red: Daddy! Throw him out! NOW!
Daddy: You turned the house into a disaster area, upset my daughter,
and chewed up my shoes. Now GET OUT! (throws Gingey out)
(Scene 2: Forest)
(Characters:Gingey, Camille, a few extras)
(Gingey comes out, carrying kitbag.)
Gingey: Oh man, it's been 3 days since these snobs kicked me
well, I don't need them! Ohh, but it's so dark out here at night...
(looks around closely). Hey, is that a town up ahead? (a few
people walk up) Hey, people, is that a town up ahead?
Person1: Aren't you the Gingerbread man?
Person2: The 'You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread man' guy?
Person3: Like, totally conceited, then you get eaten by a wolf! (they
walk away laughing)
Gingey: (calling after them) I'm a changed man! (more to self) honest.
(sits) Nobody believes me, but I have changed! (sighs) How will I
ever find friends with such a bad reputation, let alone a place to
live! (sighs) I might as well sleep here. It looks safe... I
(Camille walks on from direction of town)
Camille: Oh, I just have to get away from that town! Those people, so
boring! So political! Oh, if it weren't for my sweet love Daniel...
(notices Gingey) Oh, who's this? It looks as if he's made from
Gingerbread. Poor little thing. I should give him a home! (drags
him offstage) (curtains close)
(Scene 3: Camille's living room)
(Characters:Gingey, Camille, Daniel, mysterious voice of "wifey")
(Gingey walks on)
Gingey: I'm so glad Camille found me. It was so scarey
in the forest
all alone. I've already been living here with her for two weeks.
People in this town are so mean! They won't forgive me! I'm so
lucky Camille doesn't follow politics. Everybody says Camille is
the prettiest girl in town. I don't know, I'd still prefer a nice
shortbread woman... But getting to the point, Camille is in love
with a man named Daniel. I never met him, but she always talks
(Camille walks in happily)
Camille: Oh, Gingey, guess who I was just talking to? Surprise,
surprise, it was Daniel! Today he told me what how he and his
father are taking a trip to Miami town.
Gingey: Isn't Miami town just a mile west of here? I thought you go
there every week to buy perfume.
Camille: Yup, Miami town. Oh, he was sad. (sits down) He said
something about a wedding or something. I didn't know his father
was re-marrying. you'd think we would have heard something,
considering he's the mayor, but Daniel and I aren't the most
Gingey: And yet he's the son of the mayor (shakes head)
Camille: He seemed really upset. Oh, and here I am, all happy and
cheerful. Maybe I should go cheer him up.
Gingey: (to audience) She means she's going to watch him from the
Camille: What was that?
Gingey: Oh, nothing.
(a knock at the door)
Camille: Who can that be? (opens door) Daniel! What a surprise!
Daniel: (walks in, sees Gingey) Oh, I see you have company.
Camille: Oh him, he lives here.
Daniel: He looks awful familliar.
Camille: His name is Gingey. He says he's famous or something.
Daniel: Wait, are you the Gingerbread man?
Gingey: That's me!
Daniel: The "you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread man" guy?
Gingey: The one and only (Daniel glares) Don't give me that look! I'm
a changed man! I swear!
Daniel: Sure you are. So, anyway, Camille, you know how I mentioned
taking a trip, and planning a wedding? (Camille nods) Well, did I
mention who was getting married?
Camille: I assumed your father was remarrying.
Daniel: After my mother tried to steal all his money? And when the
catburglar thing didn't work, tried to sue him on the grounds that
he didn't fight for what they had? I don't think so.
Camille: Then who?
Camille: (horror) You're getting married!?
Daniel: I know! My father's forcing me to marry someone! I was going
to run to my grandmother's house right now, but she lives too far,
and people might see me.
Gingey: That's why you take a bus!
Camille: Shh! Buses aren't invented yet!
Gingey: Oh right! Sorry Camille, I forget these things sometimes.
Camille: That's what I'm here for.
Daniel: She's the whiniest little person and ...
Voice of 'wifey': Daniel! (whiney)
Daniel: Oh no! She's coming! I have to go. I'll see you later (to
wifey) Coming dear! (exits)
Gingey: Why did that voice sound so familliar?
Camille: Daniel's getting married? My Daniel!? Oh no. What am I
Gingey: Maybe you should confess your love to him.
Camille: Or I could whine and cry and raid the refrigerator.
Gingey: Confess your love! Confess your love!
Camille: I think I'll cry.
Gingey: Suit yourself, although you might wanna take it light on the
fridge. I think you've been putting on a few extra pounds, and you
want to look your best for old Dan, don't ya, toots? (Camille runs
off, crying) what? (Curtains close)
(Scene 4: Local Place)
(Characters:Daniel, Mayor,"wifey", Gingey)
(Daniel and Mayor are sitting together, talking)
Daniel: Dad, I have to talk to you about something serious.
Mayor: Is it that 'man's problem' again? Because I've always told you,
if you have any questions, feel free to ask the school nurse.
Daniel: Dad, I graduated high school six years ago.
Mayor: Yes, son, and pigeons can fly.
Daniel: Pigeons can fly.
Daniel: Dad, it's really important. I don't love her, I don't even
like her. She's whiney and spoiled, and those paper dolls she makes
to look like people she knows are really creepy.
Mayor: I understand, son, but that's no way to talk about Celine Dion.
She goes out ther=e, and puts on quality entertainment. It's our
job as citizens to sit back and enjoy the racket.
Daniel: I was talking about my 'bride-to-be'.
Mayor: Oh! I get it. It's alright son, I've known for a long time.
But what will it look like if you start bringing your boyfriends to
Daniel: I'm not gay.
Mayor: Sure you're not, and Micheal Jackson isn't white.
Daniel: Micheal Jackson isn... got me there. But really Dad, I just
don't love her. Please don't make me go through with it!
Mayor: I think I understand, and as my son I would call off the wedding
for your sake. Unfortunately, the wedding isn't for your sake, and
therefore I can't call it off. You see, you're my son, and I love
you more than anything, but this marriage is for money, not love, so
that's why I can't call it off.
Daniel: That made absolutely no sense.
Mayor: (sincere) Just do it for me?
Daniel: Oh, alright. (they get up and walk away. Gingey comes out from
hiding in bushes)
Gingey: (to audience) Did you hear that? Daniel's father, the mayor,
is making him marry this mysterious wife beyond his wishes. I'll
bet he doesn't like that. Although, I wonder who this horrible girl
is? I'll bet she's not that horrible. I think Daniel overreacts
alot. But I understand, having a beautiful girl like Camille love
you, who'd want to settle for anything less?
(Red comes out of other side of bushes. The two spot each other)
Gingey: (annoyed) What are you doing here?
Red: (snobby) I was spying on my husband-to-be. Not that it's any of
Gingey: Wait? Daniel's marrying you!? (horror, disgust) Man! He
wasn't overreacting! He was underreacting! You're ugly!
Red: Oooh, I'm going to get you for that remark! Not now, but when
you're least expecting it...
Gingey: (not listening, possibly cutting Red off) Wait a second, the
mayor said said he was marrying fruitca... Oh, I mean Daniel off for
money, but you aint got no dough, bro!
Red: No, he said the marriage was for money. My own personal gain of
Gingey: That makes less sense on the mayor's part (blinks) I don't
like you! You're taking advantage of Daniel!
Red: Too bad for you, too good for me! Ha ha ha, run run as fast as
you can, you can't catch me, I'm Little Red Riding Hood! (walks off,
Gingey: It's supposed to rhyme! You dumb nobody! (to audience) I have
to find a way to get Camille and Daniel together! I just have to!
(Interlude: In a field - done in front of curtains)
(Characters: Daniel, Camille)
(Daniel and Camille sitting together)
Daniel: So, you see, I have to do it for my father.
Camille: That made absolutely no sense.
Daniel: Of course it didn't, it's politics.
Camille: Go figure.
Daniel: But wouldn't you do anything for your father?
Camille: If he were still with us, but he's working in Texas now.
Daniel: Camille, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. I
really like... I mean, I think ... I mean, (closes eyes, blurting) I
really love you...(opens eyes) ...'re cake! I really love your
Camille: (laughs gently, picks up a plate of cake slices from beside
her) Have some more, they're virtually free.
Daniel: Thanks, but I really have to go. thank you for listening. I
still don't know what to do, but talking to you made me feel better.
Camille: (gets up too) I'll walk you home (they exit through curtains)
(Scene 5: Camille's living room)
(Characters:Gingey, Camille, Daniel)
(Gingey enters to hear crying sounds)
Gingey: Camille! I'm home! are you okay?
Camille: (Walks in, cake in hands and around mouth) (muffled, through
sobs) Daniel's getting married because of his stupid father to a
woman he doesn't love! I can't believe his dad is selling hims off
like that! He deserves better!
Gingey: He deserves you! You should tell him!
Camille: I can't! I'm not brave enough!
Gingey: Well, you have about 2 weeks to get brave enough. I'll help
you. Repeat after me, Back off! Get outta my face!
Camille: Oh, I couldn't...
Gingey: Back off! Get outta my face!
Camille: I don't see what this has to do with...
Gingey: Back off! Get outta my face!
Camille: (agrivated) Back off! Get outta my face!
Gingey: There's the spirit! (knock on door) umm, I'll get it. (opens
door) Oh, it;s you. (Dan enters)
Camille: Back off! Get outta my face!
Camille: Oh, nothing (wipes hands and mouth clumsily) What brings you
Daniel: Well, I came here to say that Red decided to move the wedding
to tomorrow. I was hoping you could come, even just as a reminder
that I'm doing this for my father.
Camille: I suppose I could.
Daniel: Thank you so much! You don't know how much this means to
me. In fact, I want you to have something (hands her a locket) It
was my grandmother's locket. I want it to be yours. (puts it on
Camille: It's so beautiful, are you sure?
Daniel: Positive. Now I have to go get some sleep (exits)
Camille: (after him) Bye! (to herself) My love.
Gingey: Aww! How sweet! Camille's got a boyfriend! Camille's got a
Camille: Shut up! (chases him offstage) (curtains close)
(Scene 6: Outside)
(Characters:Gingey, Camille, many people Gingey angers, Granny, Daniel)
(Gingey is standing in an open field, aside a gardener is tending to flowers)
Gingey: (to audience) Camille told me she isn't planning
going. She says it's too painful. Not to mention hot and
overcrowded. I didn't think I'd have to resort to this, but
drastic times call for drastic measures...
(Camille walks on)
Camille: (tiredly) What did you drag me all the way out here for?
Gingey: Only one thing, and you can have it back if you can catch me.
(pulls out Camille's locket)
Camille: (gasp) That's Daniel's grandmother's locket! Give it back,
Gingey: Run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the
Gingerbread man! (they run by gardener, gardener looks up)
Gardener: You trampled my flowers! Come back!
(they runn of stage, and down stairs)(Curtains close) (Lights go
up on a podium atthe side where we see Granny)
Granny: That's right, I get to play narrator now! You see, Camille
is chasing Gingey, causing much havok to be wreaked, and much
people to be angry. (Gingey runs by, follwed by Camille, then
Gardener, then about 10 other angry people, exit through door)
Meanwhile, Daniel is at the chapel, wondering where Camille could
(Daniel steps out from behind curtain)
Daniel: Where could she be? I need her to be here! (goes back)
Granny: Now, will this result in a big showdown between the forces of
good and evil? Will there be a giant lizard involved? Or will
there just be a clever ending for the whole family to enjoy? ...
Don't ask me, I'm just the narrator... cheap union bastards...
(lights go down. Granny exits, grumbling)
(Scene 7: Chapel)
(Characters: Red, Daniel, Priest, Mayor, Gingey, Camille, many people Gingey angers, many extras in crowd)
(Daniel and Red are about to get married. Red looking excited, Daniel looking scared & wanting to go)
Priest: (mid-sentence) In sickness and in health, til
Red: (evilly sweet) I do.
Priest: And do you, Daniel...
Red: (Cutting him off) ya ya ya, cut to the chase.
Priest: (adjusts glasses) Well, do you?
Daniel: (unenthusiastically) I guess so.
Priest: Well, if anybody has any objections, speak now or forever
hold your peace. (silence) Well, if nobody... (Gingey bursts in)
Gingey: WAIT! (Camille and followers burst in. Camille trips, falls,
Camille: Ow! My ankle!
Daniel: (rushes to her) Are you okay?
Camille: Gingey! Do you know what you've done?
Gardener: You trampled my flowers! (* go on with many other people he
upset on the way here. Be funny, serious, or whatever. Just be
Red: (whining) And now you ruined my wedding!
Camille: They told me all those stories about you, betraying the old
couple who baked you, and getting into all that trouble, but I had
faith that you'd changed! I guess I was wrong.
Gingey: Camille! I can explain!
Red: Daddy! Get him outta here!
Daddy: (coming out from wedding audience) I'm coming!
Gingey: Wait! Let me explain!
Daniel: Maybe you should let him explain.
Daddy: Shut up, Red. (crowd gasps) Gingey, explain!
Gingey: I don't need your permis...
Camille: (sounding hurt, exasperated) Gingey, please, just explain!
Gingey: (to Camille) Well, I didn't mean to hurt all those other
people, I was trying to help you! (to Daniel) I didn't mean to
ruin your wedding, but I was helping you too! You don't love
Red! You don't even like her! (crowd gasps) Tell them, Daniel.
Stick up for yourself!
Daniel: (looking around) I uh, ... well ... (sighs) It's true.
Mayor: (coming up from wedding audience) Daniel, you could have just
told me, I wouldn't have made you go through with it.
Daniel: But I did tell you! You did make me go through with it!
Mayor: Now, now, calm down! If you're a good boy, we can all go out
for ice cream later ... your treat.
Gingey: That's not all! Camille, you have something to tell Daniel!
Camille: I couldn't!
Gingey: You have to!
Camille: Okay (sighs, looks up at Daniel, getting up as much as she
can) Daniel, from the first time I look in your eyes, I knew my
heart was yours.
Daniel: Camille, What are you saying?
Camille: That's right, Daniel.
Daniel: No, really, I wasn't listening.
Camille: (blinks) Let's try this again (adjusts herself) Daniel,
I was about to say, well, I love you.
Daniel: Are you serious? I love you too! It's you I should be
marrying today! (grabs Red, takes the ring, shoves her aside)
Will you, Camille?
Camille: Oh, of course, Daniel, my love (Daniel slide ring on her
finger. They lean in to kiss, but the scene freezes)
Gingey: (walking out, curtains gradually close) Blah blah blah, cut
all the sentimental giberish. You know how it goes, boy meets
girl, girl chases Gingerbread man to boy's wedding, there's a big
kissing scene and everyone is happy. Yeck, it makes me sick! How
come no one ever thinks about what happens afterward? Fairy tales
aren't all 'Happily ever after' like in your immature storybooks,
you know! We're real people with real problems! Don't believe
me? Just take a look at how Camille and Daniel turn out in ten
years. (Gingey walks off)
(Scene 8: Camille and Daniel's living room)
(Characters: Camille, Daniel, Gingey, Shorty, lots of children)
(Children crying, playing, bugging parents. Camille and Daniel old and fat)
Daniel: Only one more missed payment and we lose the house!
Camille: Oh, we can't do without a house!
Daniel: That's probably Red, asking for more money. I swear! The
kid isn't mine!
Camille: How could it be? You never even slept with her!
Daniel: (shifty eyes) Sure I didn't... Could you get it?
Camille: You know it's hard for me to get up ever since my fall
on our wedding day!
Daniel: Fine, I'll get it. (opens door, Gingey walks in)
Gingey: Hey, Fruity McGee! Lame as always? As I thought. (to
Camille) Hey best buddy Camille!
Camille: Gingey! How've you been?
Gingey: Great! I've been living with my shortbread girl, Shorty. (to
outside) Come on in, babe.
(A woman made of shortbread walks in)
Shorty: I don't like this place. The kids are whiney!
Gingey: Whatever Shorty wants. See you guys! (They leave)
Kid#1: Mommy, mommy, play with me!
Camille: Not now honey, Mommy's too fat.
(kid#1 starts crying, then Camille starts crying, then all other
kids stop what they're doing and start crying)
Daniel: (holding head) What went wrong? What happened to happily
ever after? (curtains close)
The End ... Or is it? ... Yes it is.