Some Inspirational Stories for Optimistic Little Boys and Girls

2. The Emperor's New Post

Based on 2001: A Space Odyssey

Retold by Neon Tetra


Once upon a time, there was a talented, sophisticated, great writer, and modest, too. He was so talented, modest, and sophisticated that his e-mail address was the_mighty_1337_emperor_of_everything089@modestwriters.net. The_emperor (known affectionately as "that sanctimonious jackass" among his many offline friends) wrote stories in every genre known to authorkind: Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and Manga. He was so generous that he used his considerable talents to write fanfiction based on franchises that he had never heard of. By the time he was fourteen years old, he had written more than eight hundred stories, and they were all fantastic.

Next to writing, the_emperor's favorite activity was publishing his own work. He posted his stories on his own website, on other people's websites, on fictionpress.com, fanfiction.net, or any other fiction-oriented website that would take them, on any and every chatboard he could find regardless of the subject, and as attachments to anonymous e-mails that he sent to strangers whom he met online. Yet, despite all of this exposure, the_emperor never got a review, and he felt incomplete.

One day, somebody finally reviewed one of the_emperor's stories. The review ran thusly:
fuzzylittlebabykittenprincess writes: "w0w [sic] tihs [sic] iz [sic] gr8 [sic] cn'at [sic] wate [sic] 4 [sic] da [sic] nex [sic] wun [sic] i [sic] wlil [sic] b [sic] ur [sic] betareeder [sic] if u [sic] wnat [sic] l8rz [sic]"

The_emperor was so flattered, it never occured to him that he might be dealing with a sic mind. He quickly rattled off another wonderful story and sent it to his friend. Fuzzylittlebabykittenprincess (whose offline friends knew her as "Alfred 'Thud' Taylor, inmate #54131") responded almost immediately:
"0mg aonhter gr8 1 u shud dfntly post dis ne1 wo doent like disst ory iz a ^_^flamer^_^"

With that additional boost of confidence, the_emperor hesitated no longer: he posted his story on fictionpress.com. I don't have enough space to reprint the entire masterpiece here (it was a whopping three hundred words long), but this exerpt should give you an idea of the immeasurable talent and impeccable taste of this acclaimed author:


Shikata luked around @ the emptee battlefeild cuvered in the blood of her fos. Evn she long white hair & blak blouse was streeked w/ crimson. Ga Nai" she caled to her felo wrrier & bf who apeered infront of her. He wuz bout 6 foot tal 200 ponds with long whiteh air wareing a black duster.
"Oh Ga nAi Im so glayd or alrite" Shikata said
"Oh kr@p dont worrei abou tme evel lord Nichevo is tstanding rite behind yu!!!
Shikata turnd around. Evel Lord Nichevo was indead santding rite behind her, an imposeing figur w/ long white hair & wareing a black tunick!?!


Not content to merely post his magnum opus and leave its exposure to chance, the_emperor placed a member ad, modestly paraphrasing fuzzylittlebabykittenprincess's review:


Blood Moon Dragon Wings
Anyone who doesn't love this story must be a heartless flamer.


Soon, the reviews started to pour in.

"This is the best story ever!" the first reviewer soberly intoned.

"I am astounded by your greatness!!"

"This is gr8!!! More, pleeze!!!"

"I wish I could write like this!!!!"

"You're poo doesn't stink!!!!!"

"Here's my PIN number!!!!!!"

"Marry my firstborn daughter!!!!!!!"

The_emperor beamed upon his subjects, glad that his work could bring some joy and light into their meaningless little lives.

One day, a little girl (she couldn't have been more than six or seven) came across the_emperor's story and decided to give it her own glowing review:
"Although your story has the potential to be interesting, it is riddled with grammatical and spelling errors, the characters lack dimension, and the plot is rather unoriginal and predictable. I'm sure that, with a little effort, you could make this into a great story, and I'd be glad to proofread for you. Lots of love, Janey."

Appalled by the callous cruelty of the flamers attacking his work, the_emperor retreated into the depths of cyberspace. He spends his days writing dark poetry and anonymously flaming little Janey every chance he gets.


Moral: "I" before "e" except after "c" and when sounding for "a" as in "neigbor" and "weigh."


Author's Note: The preceding story was a work of fiction. All of the characters and events described therein are products of the author's imagination, except for the ones that are based on you.