So here we are in 2004, and we have lots of reasons to be cheerful.

India and Pakistan, after hundreds of years of bickering, are finally going to get around a table and TALK to each other. South Korea has promised to review it's nuclear weapons program. Israel and Palestine, while still a long way from coming to an agreement, are talking to each other again.

Oh, and Saddam Hussein has been caught, which is clearly good. And wasn't it nice how the Americans found him just in time for Christmas. Or is it just me being pathetically cynical again? Probably.

Mind you, on the subject of Saddam, still no sign yet of those weapons of mass destruction we went to war over. And he isn't offering any clues as to the whereabouts of said weapons either. In fact, he's claiming they never even existed.

At present, there are two theories regarding whats happened to these weapons.

Theory One: Saddam hid all the weapons in the desert somewhere just before being invaded, so he could come back and use them once the Americans left and still be ruler of Iraq. This theory is patently flawed, for the reasons that will be easiest detailed by the conversation below. This conversation, by the way, is purely a figment of my imagination.

Saddam Hussein: So Mr. Defence Minister. The American Infidels, backed up by the English Lap Dogs, are gathering on our borders and preparing to attack our beloved country. What systems do we have in place to defend ourselves?

Defence Minister: Well Sir, we have, of course, a huge amount of soldiers with out-dated weaponry. We also have 16 fighter planes, and a couple of hundred Surface to Air Missile Launchers.

Saddam Hussein: Is that all? Please tell me that all the money I've spent on the military over the years has actually been spent on something important. Like weapons to defend ourselves against the Infidel Invaders.

Defence Minister: Well, actually Sir, we also have a huge stockpile of chemical weapons. There's quite a lot of biological stuff we can use also. And with the design of out Scud Missiles, we can easily convert them so they'll deliver whatever gas or disease we want to right into the Infidels camps.

Saddam Hussein: What would happen if we actually USED these chemical and biological weapons? How will the Americans and British respond?

Foreign Minister: Basically Sir, they don't really have anything they can respond with. Okay, George Bush Junior is talking about dropping nuclear weapons on Baghdad in retaliation for such an attack, but in reality he's bluffing. They have no international backing for invading us in the first place. There's no way they'll risk the wrath of the entire world by firing nuclear weapons at us and killing millions of innocent civillians.

Saddam Hussein: How sure are you that they wont nuke us?

Foreign Minister: 100% guaranteed. George Bush might consider it if he was on his own. But his advisors would never let him do it. He likes being in power, and if he started butchering innocent civillians with nukes he'd be facing a war crimes tribunal. They wont let that happen.

Saddam Hussein: Okay, so it's decided. This is what we'll do. Mr Defence Minister, keep an eye on those American and British Sons of Pigs. I'm sure you'll be able to tell when they're about to invade, you being an honoured military commander and all that.

Defence Minister: And when they are about to invade Sir? What would you have me do then?

Saddam Hussein: Bury all the weapons. Everything we have. Except the rifles, the men can keep their rifles. Everything else though, bury it in the desert. And bury it well. And make sure your the only person left alive who knows where it's all buried.

Defence Minister: But Sir, if I may, what is the point in burying our weapons just before we get invaded?

Saddam Hussein: Simple, so they'll be there for us to use afterwards. Remember, the Americans have the attention span of dead gerbils. And the British are not much better. All we have to do is go and hide for a few months until they get fed up of looking for us and go home. Then we can go and retrieve all our really nasty weapons, gas a few thousand Kurds to show we mean business, and then the country will be ours again to do what we want with.

Defence Minister: But how can we be sure that they'll get fed up and go away?

Saddam Hussein: Well it worked for Osama Bin Laden didn't it? Okay, they bombed the hell out of Afghanistan. But they never found him. And when thry couldn't find him, they came after me instead. When they can't find me, it'll be someone else's turn.

Defence/Foreign Ministers: Sir, your intelligence is astounding. We salute you for your startling vision.....

Yeah, right. Does anyone apart from me think a conversation anything even remotely like that ever took place? No-one would bury all his weapons just before being invaded. So, probability is, those weapons are NOT buried in the desert somewhere.

Still, there is another explanation out there.

Theory Two: Saddam's generals and scientists LIED to him about what weapons they actually had. They told him they had chemical and biological weapons, but didn't really. Using this new 'information', let's go back to Saddam's bunker for another conversation. (This may seem familiar to begin with. Just bear with it)

Saddam Hussein: So Mr. Defence Minister. The American Infidels, backed up by the English Lap Dogs, are gathering on our borders and preparing to attack our beloved country. What systems do we have in place to defend ourselves?

Defence Minister: Well Sir, we have, of course, a huge amount of soldiers with out-dated weaponry. We also have 16 fighter planes, and a couple of hundred Surface to Air Missile Launchers.

Saddam Hussein: Is that all? Please tell me that all the money I've spent on the military over the years has actually been spent on something important. Like weapons to defend ourselves against the Infidel Invaders.

Defence Minister: Well, actually Sir, we also have a huge stockpile of chemical weapons. There's quite a lot of biological stuff we can use also. And with the design of out Scud Missiles, we can easily convert them so they'll deliver whatever gas or disease we want to right into the Infidels camps.

Saddam Hussein: What would happen if we actually USED these chemical and biological weapons? How will the Americans and British respond?

Foreign Minister: Basically Sir, they don't really have anything they can respond with. Okay, George Bush Junior is talking about dropping nuclear weapons on Baghdad in retaliation for such an attack, but in reality he's bluffing. They have no international backing for invading us in the first place. There's no way they'll risk the wrath of the entire world by firing nuclear weapons at us and killing millions of innocent civillians.

Saddam Hussein: How sure are you that they wont nuke us?

Foreign Minister: 100% guaranteed. George Bush might consider it if he was on his own. But his advisors would never let him do it. He likes being in power, and if he started butchering innocent civillians with nukes he'd be facing a war crimes tribunal. They wont let that happen.

Saddam Hussein: Okay, so it's decided. This is what we'll do. Mr Defence Minister, keep an eye on those American and British Sons of Pigs. I'm sure you'll be able to tell when they're about to invade, you being an honoured military commander and all that.

Defence Minister: And when they are about to invade Sir? What would you have me do then?

Saddam Hussein: Fire some Scud Missiles at the camps nearest the border. In fact, fire ALL our Scud missiles. I want them to have the nastiest chemical and biological stuff we can manage in them. Lets send them all to hell before they even step over our border.

Defence Minister: I shall arrange it immediately Sir.

Saddam Hussein: So, the American Infidels invaded our glorious country two days ago. So can you explain to me please why they are not dropping like flies with the various plagues inflicted upon them by all the chemical and biological weapons we hit them with just before they attacked?

Defence Minister: Well, actually Sir, I was meaning to speak to you about that. You see, how can I put this, erm, you know all those chemical and biological weapons I was telling you about?

Saddam Hussein: I know the ones you mean, yes. They don't seem to have been very 'effective' so far though for some reason.

Defence Minister: Well, yes Sir, you see, that's what I was wanting to talk to you about. Basically, our scientists lied to us. We never actually had those weapons in the first place.

Saddam Hussein: And the Scud Missiles? Could we not have dropped them on top of the Infidel Invaders anyway? Get in a pre-emptive strike and show them that we weren't just going to run away from them.

Defence Minister: Actually Sir, we didn't have any of those left either I'm afraid. We fired them all at the Jews in the last war. Never actually got round to ordering any more.

Saddam Hussein: So what DO we have to defend ourselves with?

Defence Minister: Some very dejected soldiers on the verge of mutiny and a few out-dated machine guns Sir.

Saddam Hussein: Does anyone know of any good holes I can go and hide away in until Christmas?....

It doesn't work. Neither 'theory' holds up under even basic scrutiny. Which, in fairness, is all I've actually given to them. The fact of the matter is, it looks like there ARE no weapons of mass destruction out there, and there NEVER WERE any weapons of mass destruction out there.

So why did we go to war?

Was it to remove an evil tyrant from office and free a nation?

A just and noble cause if so. Let's face it, Saddam was never a nice guy, and was never going to become one. So it's good that he's no longer there. But let's remember what we're fighting for here.

Democracy. Led by a country who's President LOST a democratic election. Funny how the state where they had all the problems counting votes was the state his brother was the governer of wasn't it? And all those old people as well, getting confused and voting for the wrong person by mistake. Since when were senile people allowed to vote anyway? I thought it was only people who were 'sound of mind' that could vote. After all, it's an important decision. You have to be sure you know what your doing when you vote. Anyway......

Justice. Led by a country that currently has 625 people imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay. 625 people who have been denied legal representation. 625 people who have never actually been charged with anything. 625 people who are 'illegal fighters', so as a result not eligible for the basic human rights most people would get. What exactly is an 'illegal fighter'? Surely it isn't someone who stands up in a war and fires a gun at the enemy? Doesn't everyone do that?

Freedom. Led by the country that refuses it's own people freedom of movement. Don't believe me? Try flying to Cuba from America without being arrested. In fact, try flying to Cuba from Canada without being arrested if you have an American passport. Not by the Canadians or the Cubans, but by the Americans. Because it's ILLEGAL for a US citizen to go to Cuba.

Honesty. Led by two countries that lied all along about the reason for going to war. We didn't go into Iraq to liberate a country. We went into Iraq because, as Saddam pointed out earlier, we couldn't find Osama so we needed another target to aim for.

Everything else is a smokescreen. The truth is, someone had to pay for what happened on September 11th. Which I agree with wholeheartedly. But when we couldn't find the guy responsible, I think it was wrong to switch our attention elsewhere and go after someone who had nothing to do with September 11th, just because we knew where he was and there was a history there. Remember, he tried to kill George Bush's daddy!!

Just remember, one of the reasons we went after Saddam Hussein was because of his alleged links with terrorist organisations. And while we were doing that, we were coming to an arrangement to lift sanctions against Colonel Muammar Gadaffi of Libya. That would be Muammar Gadaffi who has connections with terrorist organisations that are both well known and long established.

Maybe it's just me that senses a certain amount of hypocrisy going on there.

And, before you the All-American Heroes start jumping on me for being totally anti-American, I'd like to point out that I'm directing this mainly at two specific people. George Walker Bush (look at me, I know what the 'W' stands for) and Tony Charles Lynton Blair (yes, I know, how sad am I, knowing BOTH his middle names)!

Author's Note: The idea for this came to me this evening as I was walking home from work. Some people will like it, others will think it's complete rubbish. Either way, let me know what you think as always.

This is dedicated to the brave servicemen and women of all nationalities in Iraq. I may not agree with the reason for them being there, but I support them 100% as they try to do a difficult and dangerous job.

Spawny