Losing Myself

Breathless Passion

My eyes are opening now. Before I could not see, all that the world truly possessed. Before I could not truly comprehend what the jokes of the un innocent were about. Before I had only giggled at the jokes made by my young friends about boys.

I'm losing myself; I'm losing my innocence…

But now I can no longer laugh and play pretend. I see the world and I see guys. I quickly find myself wanting to be held, to be touched and kissed. I'm filled with desire for things I can't and don't have.

I'm losing myself; I'm losing my innocence…

I find myself wanting and needing to sin. I'm quickly losing sight of everything I believe in. I dream and pray to be just like everybody else to find someone… But I'm different, I've awaken and realized it now. I'm losing my innocence. I'm learning all the sexual jokes and innuendoes the occasional licking of the lips that's a signal a call beckoning me over. I know what it means when most guys say it.

You want to talk? Can I get your name and then we can have some comfort sex.

Hey, girl, I don't like to see you cry. Hey, maybe you can get with me and I can make you feel better for a night then after that, I'm gone.

Hey, talk to a player. You know what I'm after, you have sex appeal and all I want is that; your body your sex drive who cares about what our hearts want who cares about you. This is only for one night, I won't regret it.

I'm losing myself; I'm losing my innocence…

I want my innocence back. My mind is filled with these unclean fantasies, I'm about to lose my mind experiencing the world experiencing guys and race. I can't deal with it's ugly face. I want my childhood back, my sheets, my mom and dad; I want to be a little girl again. I want these desires of love gone, I want these tears to disappear I want my mom and dad to tuck me in again.

I'm losing myself; I'm losing my innocence…

Hi, how are you? Hi, you're a really nice girl and I'm just a guy maybe out of your league who your relatives may not exactly approve of because of that but I just like you because of you are inside you're so beautiful to me because of the person you are hidden inside away from everyone else and I need that… Will you go out with me? But I can't ask you that, I'm too shy and you're not interested. I can't handle another rejection…

I'm losing myself; I'm losing my innocence…

Not all guys are the same and those who are different and nice aren't always the guys I'm interested in. It hurts to make someone deal with rejection because I have and I am dealing with it each and everyday.


I'm losing myself; I'm losing my innocence…

Rejection because I'm not good enough, rejection because I'm not pretty enough, rejection because I'm not like the rest, rejection because I've dealt with depression, rejection because of my height, rejection because of my skin color, rejection because of my tastes and distastes. I can't run and avoid things anymore. I'm facing decisions and I just want to run away from it all but as I've said before: I can't. I break a guy's heart almost a million times a day and the feelings of guilt I can't turn away. I need an escape, a fairy tale something.

I'm losing myself; I'm losing my innocence…

Once upon a time, I didn't need a guy to make myself feel alright. Once upon a time, I didn't crave a tender touch on the lips or a kiss to make me feel alright. I was living a fantasy avoiding any and everything that seemed too real. I only needed the mesmerizing stories of Cinderella and Snow White…

I'm losing myself; I'm losing my innocence…

Now it's all gone. I'm sixteen, seeing the world for what it is: a struggle for survival. I've watched people jump off buildings, take pills to feel alright, I've watched people be abused by their families and their boyfriends because of what? Brutal love and cruelty; obey the command or be punished. I've watched people die from being shot and natural causes then I've watched young girls get pregnant and guys run away. I've seen poverty; I've seen life. I'm growing up and all I want is an escape…

I'm losing myself; I'm losing my innocence.

My innocence has been lost for a long time now and I just can't get it back no matter what. I close my eyes and dream of a place far, far away and pray to relive my childhood my childhood of ignorance and sweet bliss…

(Unedited)

-Breathless