Realizations In The Early Morning

Author's Note: This is kind of the companion to Musings of Teenaged Boy. They're different characters (sort of). But it's written in the same style.


There have been moments in her life when realization struck her. When the fog disappeared and everything seemed so clear. In those moments, she has awoke from a dream she lost control of. That is when she knows there is a chance for anything to happen. During those moments she can truly see exactly what everything and everyone is.

And this was a moment where everything was clearer than it had ever been before. The room she was in was completely dark, with the exception of the lights from the cars that would occasionally pass by the huge window behind her. From her position on the couch, she could see that the clock over the kitchen oven read 2:38 a.m. She would have gone to her room to fall asleep, but she was still unsure whether she should move the weight on her lap or if she should just stay where she was.

A shifting on her lap took her attention away from her thoughts. She looked down at the figure with its head resting on her legs. . The young man was lying on his side, spread out across the green couch. In his sleep, his dark brown hair stuck out in all directions. He didn't smile and his long, dark eyelashes rested just above his cheekbone. His white shirt was pulled up a little bit and his black shorts were twisted and pulled down a little bit. His flat stomach was revealed, rising and falling with each breath he took.

He had come over to her house that evening after being dumped by his girlfriend. Her parents and sister were visiting her aunt so she ordered a pizza, which they ate in silence. He was out of it and very distant. He was obviously upset about it, but he didn't want to talk at all. After a little while he told her that his girlfriend had cheated on him with some guy at another school before she broke up with him. She had comforted him for a little while. They had probably fallen asleep some time after that.

None of that had anything to do with her realization. Nom her realization was much more monumental that that. But she wasn't entirely sure if she was better off having realized this or not having realized this.

In the stillness of the night, she realized that the teenaged like- love she thought she felt for the boy, wasn't like-love at all. It was stronger than that, deeper than that, harsher than that and truer than that. She was in love with the boy currently sleeping on her couch. And, damn, that made things a whole lot more complicated. Love like hers wouldn't disappear eventually. She couldn't pretend she didn't have those feeling until they were gone. They would never be gone. She would never stop hurting whenever she saw him with some other girl. This was permanent. She had officially gone too far to even try and turn back now.

She also knew that he would never fell the same. And even if he was to return her feelings, they could never be together. When they were younger, he had damaged her heart and, in return, she had done the same to his. And even now, they were both too stubborn and opinionated to get along most of the time. No matter how much they might want it to work out, it was impossible. Being together would cause them nothing but pain, agony and heartache. It would be like hanging onto the edge of a cliff with one hand and hanging on to the other person with the other hand. They wouldn't be able to pull their selves to safety using only one hand. And each time one of them slipped a little bit, the other would be pulled down with them. Love alone could never be enough to make things work out alright for the two of them.

And that was only if he loved her in return. If he didn't, he'd just move from girl to girl until he found one that he loved and who loved him back. And then she would be nothing more than a friend, if he even considered her to be that much. And she would be just as lonely as she had been before.

There was no hope to be found in either of her possibilities. And either way, she would continue to love him with her entire being. Which of the two choices was worse? She could be alone, knowing he was with someone else, or she could learn that even though she might hove all she needed for happiness, it would never happen.

What had she done to deserve this? She must have done something terribly wrong in a past life. Or maybe some higher power was enjoying this. Her life was their sick game. At least someone would be enjoying it that way.

Welcome to Hell on Earth. You're damned for eternity no matter what happens. And now it's time for you to enjoy the excruciating torture that is 20/20 hindsight. She should have sat at a different table for science when she was eleven. When she had fought with him for the first time, she shouldn't have ever made up. But that isn't going to do any good right now. It's nothing but another form of torture.

Now she's left with a few options. Tell him and be rejected, ruining their friendship in the process. Tell him and live with a love that wouldn't work out. Say nothing and watch him fall in love with someone else. Or run as far away from him as possible so she wouldn't ever have anything to do with him again. None of those choices seem right to her.

She's been thinking about this, since she realized it an hour and fifteen minutes ago. Yet she had gotten no further than she was when she started, Only now her sleep deprived body was weak, frustrated and lose.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.