Home Overgrown

(Scene: A 30 year-old man is talking to his mother in his house)

Man: But mom! I don't want to leave!

Mom: I'm afraid you have to son, your father and I can't keep on paying for you all our lives. You'll have to learn to take responsibility for yourself someday.

Man: But I don't wanna!

(His father appears)

Dad: Now Harold, I'm afraid you'll have to fly the nest someday.

Harold: The…nest?

Dad: You'll have to leave home someday son.

Harold: But…where will I go?

Mom: Well, maybe if you studied harder in school you wouldn't be so…financially in trouble.

Harold: Hey, I did well in school!

Dad: You only two GCSE's, and they were Maths & Cooking.

Harold: But you're forgetting my A levels!

Dad: What, Photography, Maths & Art?

Harold: Hey, they're useful subjects!

Mom: The only one that's of any relevance is Maths! And look what you did with that!

Harold: Hey, my comic book store has lots of potential.

Dad: Look, son, you can cook for yourself, so you're not a total loss.

Harold: But I can only cook either toast or poached egg.

Mom: You could always eat out.

Harold: Mom, you know my thought on take-away.

Dad: Son, we love you, but we just think that you're wasting spa-er…potential.

Harold: But I'm happy here!

Mom: It's just that we won't be here forever.

Harold: That's not true mom! Cryogenic freezing will be available in a few years! If you just hold onto then, I can thaw you out whenever I'm hungry or need a bedtime story.

Dad: Yes, we need to get to that as well.

Harold: But I don't wanna leave!

Mom: Harold, we think you should reconsider. You've been living with us for 30 years now.

Harold: Yes, and you've brought this up every single year. On my birthday.

Dad: Well son, we only do that to remind you that maybe you're getting a bit too old to stay with us.

Mom: We just think you might want to find a girl and settle down on your own.

Harold: But…but…I don't wanna leave.

Dad: We're just trying to do what's best for you.

Harold: But you're getting old! Someone needs to look after you!

Mom: We're quite capable thank you Harold.

Dad: And if we get too unable to cope, we'll just go settle into a nice retirement home.

Mom: Yeah.

Harold: No! I won't let you! I saw in a cartoon once that they swap your urine bags with your blood bags!

Dad: But that was just in a cartoon Harold.

Harold: Hey, for all you know that could be real in another dimension!

Mom: Why don't you try living with your sister, Nora, for a while?

Harold: Because Nora's a complete weirdo! And anyway, she's dating someone. They won't like me intruding. I'm not the kind of guy who just intrudes on other people's lives.

(Toast pops out of the toaster)

Harold: Hey ma, your toast's ready.

Mom: Look, Harold, it's just better this way.

Harold: So, you really want me to leave?

Dad: We think it's the best option.

Harold: Fine, I hated this family anyway. I'll go pack my things. If you need me, which I doubt you will as you have your precious retirement home, I'll be living in my comic book store until I find a place to live.

Mom: Great, here's your things!

(She shoves a suitcase in his hand)

Harold: Okay, well…I guess this is goodbye.

(He leaves)

Dad: Yes! Oh thank God!

Mom: Finally! We're free!

Dad: Now we can strut around the house naked again!

Mom: No you can't…

Dad: Aw…

THE END