Carpet Bomb The Whales

Whatever your economic or political affiliation, I'm sure you'll agree with me when I say the times ahead are going to be harsh. The situation is nothing new of course; times have always been harsh. Ask just about anyone older than you are and they'll be glad to chew your ear off--not really; it's more of a gnaw --about how rough they had it when they were young and how you uppity snots are a bunch of sissies. Ask two and you're set for the evening as they compete to see who was most miserable as a child (Oh yeah?! Well I had to walk uphill both ways through ten feet of flaming snow while dragging the school bus…etc).

The point that I'm trying to make is that times are hard, and it is my firm belief that they're only going to get harder, especially when it comes to national defense. This prediction of mine has to do with the fact that we are now embroiling ourselves with an enemy whose tactics have recently reached an astonishing new low. How low you ask? I can sum it up in two words: Exploding Whales.

Aside from a few international chuckles, no news agency gave much press to the sudden detonation of a 60-ton sperm whale in Tainan. The official explanation for the blood bath is that "pent up gasses from internal decay reached critical pressure as the whale was being transported to a local university for a postmortem." Pfft. Yeah right. What is not reported is that, shortly after the incident hit the headlines, Hamas--an infamous terrorist group working towards the destruction of Israel--stepped forward to claim responsibility.

"We want to make it perfectly clear to the Jews that there is no refuge from the justice of Allah," said a spokesman for Hamas at a recent press conference next to the remains of a terrorist safe-house destroyed in the aftermath of a "Begg'in Strips" prank (terrorists don't know it's not bacon). When members of the press replied that no actual damage was caused by the explosion and that Tainan is, in fact, in Taiwan--several thousand miles east of Israel--the spokesperson quickly replied, "Uh yeah, well, we…planned it like that! Yeah! That's…that's all the time we have for today. Places to go, infidels to kill you know."

Now, I know what you're thinking: "If a Begg'in Strips prank destroyed one terrorist safe-house, then couldn't a Begg'in Strips offensive wipe them out?" I looked into this and it turns out that there was more involved than just Begg'in Strips. In the interests of keeping things clean I'll just comment that there's no way we'd be able to find enough midgets to make the offensive possible. So, with that out the window, I contend that the only way to counteract our enemy's new weapon is to take it to an unprecedented extreme. Just imagine if you would a single terrorist puttering around somewhere, intent on delivering his 90-ton sperm whale to the middle of some unsuspecting town and himself to those 72 virgins. Suddenly, the sky outside his truck goes pitch black and he has just enough time to peer upwards and scream in terror before he and his cargo are annihilated by a hellish rain of genetically engineered 200-ton laser-guided stealth whales.

Now that's what I'd call a weapon worthy of stocking in the arsenal of democracy! Sure, it might seem a little "extreme," but hey, we're at war; this is what must be done. Don't you want your children to grow up in a world free of violence, oppression, and needless death? I know I do, because then I'll be able to tell all those wussy little punks just how easy they've got it.