Dear Alex,

Do you know how much you hurt me? You hurt me enough to make me want to cut myself, enough to make me feel so small and dirty that I wanted to die. And yet I still don't hate you. I remember everything so clearly, and no matter how much I try to block everything from my mind, and not think about it, it doesn't work. Perhaps things are better that way? Maybe not hating you is a good thing.

The day before you first came to my church, I was writing in my journal about how I felt I was ready to forget about everything that happened, forgive you, and move on. And then I walked into church, and you were there. At that moment, I knew I was far from ready to get over the past. That kind of thing always happens though, doesn't it? Whenever you think about making a positive step, you suffer yet another set back. That doesn't mean I am going to give up though, because the fact is, I at least thought I might be capable of letting go, and even if I'm not, even thinking such a thing has got to be a big step forwards. I am mature enough to see that. It was just that you were in my church, my safe place, the one place where I can always relax and know that I won't come to any harm. Seeing you there made me suddenly think otherwise.

Hating you is not going to get me anyway. And besides, I couldn't hate you if I tried. You're too kind, too understanding, too much fun. But when you drink, Alex, you turn into someone else altogether. You turn into someone I don't want to know. But you're over that now, so I think it's time I took a leaf from your book, and try to put some of the pain from my past behind me. Even Scott thinks I am mad for wanting to forgive you and move on, and Scott has always supported everything I say. He doesn't understand how I can want to forgive someone who hurt me so badly, but in the end, it's only going to mess up my life if I can't let go of this, and I don't want to go back down that road again.

So here is me, saying that you're not forgiven, but I am working at it... I am working at letting go.

Emma