A letter to my future self

Am I still happy yet again?

Have I grown out 'pretty'?

Is daddy still a good man?

"Well …what have we here?"

Startled, the girl stood up quickly and looked around herself, searching for the source of the voice. "Who are you?" she asked, her voice shaking. "Who's there?"

"A spirit…a wanderer…someone who looks out for the goodness of others…"

Something about the voice, the way they said those words…it jarred something in the girl's memory, something that if she could just grasp onto it---

"And who, tiny mortal, are you."

"Mortal? I don't believe in any of that nonsense. You, a spirit? I bet you you're just some geek who is trying to scare me. Well you failed. Now go away and leave me alone."

"You don't believe? You used to."

Am I still friends with Colleen?

I'm sure that I'm still laughing…

Aren't I?

Aren't I?

"Who are you?"

"Who are you?"

Shivering, the girl wrapped her arms around herself and bit her lip. "My name is—"

"No." The voice sounded impatient. "I don't want to know what your name is. A name is a meaningless piece of knowledge, something just to call each other, to alienate each from another. Who are you?"

The girl sniffed, realizing just how cold it was wherever she was. Where was she…?

"I am…a girl. I'm…lost, I think. I don't really know what to do next…I'm….uncertain….scared, a little. I…I don't know."

Somehow she knew that the owner of the voice was nodding, maybe even smiling a bit. "Good. That's what I wanted to know."

Hey there to my future self

If you forget how to smile

I have this to tell you

Remember this once in a while

"Now will you tell me who you are?"

"Later, I have more that I wish to know."

The girl nodded slowly and, with her arms still wrapped around her, sat down carefully on the cold ground. "I guess I have no choice. What do you want to know?"

"Do you smile?"

The ridiculousness of the question caught the girl off guard and she raised a penciled eyebrow at eh darkness before her. "What kind of asinine question is that?"

"Good," the voice was chuckling softly. "You've remembered some of your old vocabulary."

With a shock, the girl realized that she had, indeed let one of the words that reminded her so of the past, slip into her speech. That hadn't happened in…years…

"Now tell me, do you smile?"

Ten years ago your past self

Prayed for your happiness

Please don't loose hope

"Of course I smile," the girl replied with a nervous laugh. "I smile all of the time. I smile ever day, at least ten times. I smile…a lot…"

The girl felt a twist in her heart and somehow she knew that the owner of the voice was saddened. Saddened by her lying…

"You don't…I've seen you…you don't smile. Why not?"

She sighed. "What is there to smile about? Everywhere someone is killing someone else's brother or raping their sister. Every where you look, death is on the radio and the news. No love lasts in the world today, it's all filled with adultery and hate and prostitutes. Give me one reason to smile."

"'Keep smiling,'" the voice quoted. "'Because you never know who is going to fall in love with your smile.'"

"That's crap!" the girl laughed. "That is---"

"What you said eight years ago when your best friend asked you why you were always so happy."

"I'm not happy, silly, I just always smile."

"Why?"

"'Because you never know who is going to fall in love with your smile.'"

"I was….a fool…" she whispered. "I had no idea what I was talking about. I was a foolish sixteen year old girl who knew nothing about the world. I know about it now, I know what happens…"

Oh, oh without pain, me and you

Put here to feel joy, nothing blue

Sad times and bad times, see them through

Soon we will both know, if it's for real

What we both feel

"But that's not the only reason you don't smile is it?" the voice asked, soothingly. "It's not just the world you're mad at is it?"

"No…"

"It's you, isn't it? You're mad at the world for being so horrible, but you are also mad at yourself for taking on the weight of the world. You are mad at yourself for pushing your friends and family away. You're mad at those who have dared try to love you, because you feel yourself unworthy of their love."

"Who are you?" the girl whispered.

"Don't you?!" the voice yelled.

"Stop it!" the girl screamed. Already on the ground, she began to slowly curl up, pushing her face into her knees and covering her ears with her hands. "Stop it, just go away! You've done enough damage, no GO AWAY!"

And surprisingly…it did go away.

Though I can't know for sure how things worked out for us

No matter how hard it gets, you have to realize

We weren't put on this earth to suffer and cry

"Hey are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine thanks…"

He smiled at her softly as she brushed dirt off of the front of her coat. "You look familiar…"

She rolled her eyes. "That's the oldest pick-up line in the book."

"Yet this one is true."

Again she rolled her eyes, refusing to even look at him. "Whatever. I've got a class in like three minutes. I gotta go."

"But---"

"See ya."

We were made for being happy

So be happy, for me, for you

Please.

When she awoke she was laying in bed, the covers tangled all about her, her whole body shivering as if it would never stop.

What…what was going on?

Where was she?

Where was the voice?

Where was she?

We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy

I am you, a familiar voice whispered in her mind.  Do you understand now? Do you understand how 'I' knew what 'I' knew? Do you understand what you must do now? How you must change?

"Yes."

We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy

We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy

We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy