(Man lays on couch reading paper.)

Man: Hmmm...The queen is gonna have a boob job. That's outrageous! What strange behavior for an 80 year old lady..

(The butler walks in)

Man: James?

Butler: Yes?

Man: Have you heard about the Queen?

Butler: Yes she won a golf tournament.

Man: No not that she..wait what?

Butler: The queen won a golf tournament sir.


Man: Did she really?

Butler: Yes sir.


Man: I didn't even know she played golf.

Butler: Apparently she does. And well too.

Man: Exactly what tournament was this?

Butler: It was a charity benefit for The Society of prevention of taste deaf children.

Man: What?

Butler: Taste deaf children.

Man: What's taste deaf?

Butler: Well you know if you're blind you can't see?

Man: Yes.

Butler: And if you're deaf you can't hear?

Man: Right.

Butler: Well apparently taste deaf is when your taste buds aren't working .


Man: Not a very good name.

Butler: Not at all. In fact one of the organizations goals is to come up with a better name for the ailment.

Man: Strange.

Butler: What was it YOU read about the queen sir?

Man: Well just...she is getting a boob job.

Butler: A what sir?

Man: She's getting a

(The doorbell rings)

Butler: Pardon me sir.

Man: Not at all.

(The butler leaves.)

Man: The queen playing golf...never imagined..

(The butler returns)

Butler: A Mr. Firetrot to see you sir.

Man: Who?

Butler: Mr. Firetrot.

Man: I don't know anyone named Mr. Firetrot.

Butler: He told me he anticipated you saying that and told me to read ths note.

(The Butler pulls out a note, unfolds it and begins to read.)

Butler: "You know bloody well who I am. Now let me in" And it is signed Mr. Firetrot.

Man: This is indeed very strange.

Butler: He anticipated you would say that and told me to read you this note.

(The butler takes out another note and unfolds it, and begins to read it)

Bulter: "Its not nearly as strange as things are about to be" and then once again it is signed "Mr. Firetrot".

Man: Well let him in . I feel like I'm having a conversation with him anyway.

Butler: He anticipated you would say that sir and asked me to read this.

(The butler pulls out another note, unfolds it, and begins to read it.)

Butler: :"Thank you but I will let myself in."

(Mr. Firetrot walks in the room.)

Mr. Firetrot: WE MEET AGAIN!


Butler: Will that be all sir?

Man: I don't think so. You may have to call the police.

Mr. Firetrot: Oh please I already thought you might try that. I disconnected the phone lines.

Man: That's not a problem. We'll just call the phone company over.

(Long Pause)

Man: Right..

Mr. Firetrot: You see? I have all of the answers!

Man: You're leaving out one important one. Who are you?

Firetrot: Oh please! Lets not play this game! You know who I am!

Man: No I don't.

(The phone starts to ring.)

Butler: Should I get that sir?

Man: Yes go ahead.

(The Butler walks out of the room.)

Ma: Now listen to me! I have never in my- Wait. You said you disconnected the phones..

Mr. Firetrot (sheepishly): Ok I was bluffing.

Man: You are getting on my nerves.

Mr. Firetrot: You just don't want to face your past!

Man: I don't know what past your talking about you sod!

( The butler walks in holding a phone)

Butler: Sir would like to change your phone service for lower monthly rates?

Man: NO!

(Butler puts the phone to his ear.)

Butler: Sorry. Master Burke is busy with a friend.

Man: You are a complete dumbass!!!!

Butler:.or enemy. We aren't quite sure yet. Call back in a bit.

(The Butler hangs up)

(Very long pause. A *Ding* sounds.)

Butler: That would be the Lean Pockets sir.

Man: Lean Pockets?

Butler: Calories sir. Calories.

Man: You're right. (Turns to Firetrot) I'm on a strict diet.

Firetrot: I know how that goes.

Butler: Shall I get them sir?

Man: Go ahead. (Turns back to Firetrot) Do you eat Lean Pockets?

Firetrot: What kind?

Man: James?

Butler: Cheese and Sausage.

Man: Cheese and Sausage.

Firetrot: My favorite.

Man: Splendid. James bring out two plates.

James: Yes sir.

(James leaves)

Firetrot: That's very nice of you to invite me for lunch.

James: Not really. You see I'm going to kill you. The other plate is for James.


Firetrot: Really?

Man: Yes

(Long Pause)

Firetrot: Shit.

(Man pulls out gun and shoots Firetrot in the forehead. Blood splatters everywhere especially all over the walls. Firetrot is hurled over the edge of the sofa and onto the floor. James walks back in holding silver tray of Lean Pockets. James looks around.)

James: Shall I be getting the Windex sir?