A/N This is based on my experiences and if I offend anyone then I am sorry, but it is what I think and I am not saying that everyone thinks like this and if they do it would be a pity.
When you first see a knife what do you think about? If you were to answer that you would probably say ' Well, it would depend on my emotions at that time'. For example, if you were hungry you would think about cutlery, if you were angry you would think about violence, if you were upset you would think about pain etc.
My first thought when I see a knife used to be about cutlery, but now, since I have been a perpetrator of self-harm I think about pain and relief, I also feel scared and a lot of anger and hate towards myself, for not living up to people's expectations and hopes and all sorts of things like that, but mostly for being me.
When I first properly cut myself deliberately I was thinking about what I was about to do and what would happen afterwards, but I didn't really register anything apart from 'knife and body'. As I was scared I didn't go to deep, it was a small cut and just above the point where I would have begun to bleed.
Afterwards I didn't really do anything, I felt emotionally drained and I put the knife in the sink and went to bed. I didn't feel better and that night I cried myself to sleep, a thing I have done many times before.
The next day I was as depressed as usual and the day went from bad to worse. My hate of myself and my surroundings grew, and as normal for me I spent a portion of the day wishing I was dead.
Later I grabbed the knife (the knife I had used before) and my slashes all down my arm. I didn't go down very deep because just grazing the very top layer of my skin brought pain, which is all I wanted and therefore I did not have to go deep.
I am not likely to stop cutting myself, not for a while at least, but I do not go so far as to make myself bleed. Just grazing the surface of my skin brings the pain. I cut myself because I experience loads of pain on the inside, to much for me to cope with and therefore I need to focus this pain somewhere else.
A/N I know of a lot of people who self harm but I don't really know them and the reasons why they do it. If you self harm I suppose what I want to do with this writing is just to let you know that other people do it to. I don't actually know why I wrote this but oh well. That's life.