Losing Ginger
His grip tightened even more on the steering wheel, turning his knuckles white. The little vein in his forehead was throbbing. Taking a calming breath to help resist the urge to throw his step-daughter out of the moving vehicle, Rob was forced to listen to her annoying voice prattle on and on. His stomach clenched painfully, the girl had probably given him ulcers.
"And my mommy said that you should get a better job and that farming is for hicks with no education. Do you not have an education? Did you even go to school? Were you any good? My mommy says that I'm the smartest and most intelligent girl in the WHOLE wide world and..."
Rob didn't even know his new wife had a daughter, until she showed up on their doorstep that day, and this whole ordeal began...
The sun was shining wonderfully down on his back, as he finally finished tending to his prized pumpkin. It was almost 4 feet high now, and with any luck Rob would finally beat the McGaffin's in the annual Pumpkin Weigh-In this year. His pumpkin which he named 'Elmo' had been weaned and nurtured since it was a little seed. Only the best fertilizer, soil, and water for his baby pumpkin. Taking one last look at the glorious orange monstrosity, Rob headed out of the garden and back in the house.
Once he got in he was hit by the smell of Apple Pie, his wife Sue Ellen was the best cook in the county. Rob's brow furrowed in confusion. Apple Pie? She only cooks that when company comes over. He made a mental checklist of the days and people they knew. No one he knew about
was coming.
"Hey Sue?" he called, "Are we expecting someone today?"
"Um Rob, there's something I need to tell you about..." called Sue, but before she could finish the doorbell rang. Turning towards the door, Rob opened it. A small girl of about eleven-years-old stood on the step. Her long blonde hair was done up in two pig tails.
"Can I help you?"
"My name is Miss Virginity Delilah Benson and I'm here to see my mother."
Rob froze. Benson? Did she just say Benson? Turning his head slowly to the right, he noticed Sue Ellen standing right beside him, shrugging her shoulders and giving him a little smile, she shoved him out of the way and embraced her beloved daughter.
"How is my pweshious widdle girl? Did you have fun with daddy?"
Pushing himself up on his elbows and off the floor where Sue shoved him, Rob stared in shock at the child before him. Getting out of her mother's embrace Virginity stared haughtily down at him,
"Do you know it's rude not to greet people properly?" Rob just stared.
***
"Look Ginger..."
"VIRGINITY, My name is Virginity, not Virginia, not Ginny, not Ginger, but V-I-R-G-I-N-I-T-Y."
'Something your mother obviously knows nothing about...' thought Rob as he finally stopped the truck in the city, "Get out."
"Where are we?"
"Just get out," said Rob, "and if some strange man offers you a ride, please for the love of God take it!"
"I don't know why my mommy married you, why did she want a farmer? My real daddy is a highly respected and well paid lawyer."
"And we all know where he's going..." muttered Rob.
"What? Do you have a talking problem? You're always mumbling and I can't understand you."
Rob felt another migraine about to set in...
***
"Why didn't you didn't tell me you had kids?" Rob ranted.
"Well I didn't think she'd show up, but she did and now she's going to be staying here."
"You're not serious."
"She's my daughter!"
"We can't keep her!"
"Says who? You?" screamed Sue. "She stays like it or not!"
***
Virginity had been living with Rob and Sue Ellen for the past two days now, and everywhere he went, she was there. She talked non-stop and Sue just nodded and agreed to everything she said. The kid was spoiled like no one would ever believe. Rob's mother would
have turned over in her grave, bless her soul, if she had seen how Virginity had been brought up. For Mother Ferguson, her idea of spoiling Rob was giving him a bed time snack.
Shaking away his thoughts when his watch beeped, it was time to look after Elmo again. The pumpkin was still growing, and at the rate it was going no one would beat him this year. If there was one thing that could always get Rob in a better mood it was looking after the pumpkin. Heading outside to the garden he stopped dead in his tracks. Elmo had been mutilated; his innards
had been completely ripped out and set to the side. Rob caught a glimpse of Virginity as she finished carving the face into his side.
"What the hell?!"
"Oh, hello Robert. Do you like my Jack O' Lantern?"
The tick in Rob's left eye was getting stronger. Elmo was dead. The evil little blonde demon had killed him without any remorse. Henry McGaffin would be laughing his ass off when he heard about this. Rob Ferguson's prized pumpkin, gutted, eviscerated, and stabbed...by his own step-daughter that he knew nothing about. This was the end. Elmo was Rob's only hope this year, he spent all his time nurturing that one pumpkin, that one pumpkin that would have beat McGaffin's. Rob's dream was over.
"Want to go for a walk?" asked Rob.
"Where to?"
"There's a spot down in the woods where some really pretty flowers grow. Let's go pick some for your mother."
"Okay."
Rob and Virginity headed out into the woods by the house, thankfully they were deep so if the child just somehow managed to get lost, she'd never find her way back. Now if only he'd brought an axe with him to avenge his fallen friend...
A half hour later, Rob walked happily back towards the house. He had left Virginity picking flowers and while her back was turned, Rob left her there and ran straight back to the house. The girl was lost in some strange woods and all was well again. Opening the front door and walking in the house, Rob headed to the kitchen and stopped dead.
"How the hell?!"
Virginity sat at the table eating some apple pie, and gave him a big smile when she saw him. Sue Ellen crossed her arms and glared at him.
And that was how it always was. No matter how hard Rob tried to get rid of Virginity, Sue always brought her back. When
they went to the National Park and Rob pushed her in the river, he got back to camp to see both his wife and step-daughter
soaking wet and waiting for him. When they went into the city and Rob left her in the mall. He got back to the car to have
them both waiting for him. Nothing was going his way and the kid was making his stomach hurt. He probably had ulcers.
***
"So where are we?" asked Virginity following Rob into the little shop. It was dark and hazy. A heavy mist of perfume permeated the store. There were glass jars on shelves with names like 'eye of newt' and 'gall bladder of salamander' all around the store. Brightly colored beads hung from the ceiling as did bird feathers and other paraphernalia. An old woman came out of the back room from behind the counter and greeted them.
"What is it I can do for you?"
"Um, hi, I'm looking to sell something."
"And what would that be?" asked the woman.
"A little blonde girl."
"Hey!" shouted an indignant Virginity, "you can't sell me!"
"Watch me," said Rob.
After bargaining with the old stereo-typed gypsy woman, and getting fifty dollars for the annoying brat, the deal was complete and Rob left the store without Virginity. He had gotten rid of her! He was so happy he could cry...now if only she hadn't butchered Elmo things would have
been perfect.
When Rob got home, he entered the house feeling better than ever. The demon brat was gone, his life would soon be back to normal...
"Where's Virginity?"
...or not.
"Who?" asked Rob.
"My daughter Rob, where is she?"
"I think I saw her playing out in the fields."
Sue Ellen's eyes narrowed as she thrust a piece of paper under his nose. Rob took it and read it:
Dearest Mother,
Rob and I have gone out to the city. If I do not return you know why.
Your Beloved Daughter,
Virginity
"Where is she Rob?"
"I don't know?"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU-"
Sue's banshee screaming was cut off by a loud, desperate knock on the door. When she went to
answer it, there was Virginity and an old woman.
"Take her back please!" begged the woman, "This child belongs to evil. Keep her and never come back to my shop!" The woman turned and fled from the house.
"Virginia honey what happened to you?"
"Rob sold me to gypsies."
Rob collapsed and curled up on the floor, he moaned as Sue Ellen tuned her cold gaze on him. The poor pumpkin farmer had ticks in his left eye, ulcers, migraines, and now it felt like constipation would soon be joining them.
A/N: This was an assignment for my English class. What my teacher did was make a list of things out of Protagonist, Antagonist, Block, Outcome. He then made us use our student numbers to see what we had to write about. And what did I get? A Farmer, who had to lose his virginity, the block was his wife and the outcome was constipation O.o