Things to know when reading Idiot's Guide to Revenge

Although this story is listed under the manga section, it does not have anything to do with Japan or it's culture. It is Korean.

Oppa(pronounced oh puh), whichmeans older brother in Korean,isusedwhen you are a girl speaking to an older male or slightly older male.

Manhwa (pronounced man hwah) is basically what you call manga from Korea, which I'm not sure if you could really call them that since not all of them are graphic novels. There are some that are written out like scripts (at least I think they are----they look like they are. Gah! Stop looking at the screen like that-I can't help my total lack of knowledge!)


Chapter one of Idiot's Guide to Revenge


Which of the followingis the worst thing you can possibly think of waking up to at midnight?

A. Waking up to find that your beautiful wife and/or girlfriend is starting to resemble that pain in the ass mother-in-law (to-be in some cases) of yours, saggy breasts and all.

B. Waking up only to find that you are covered in the thick and slobbery barf of your dog, or even worse, finding yourself covered in the thick and slobbery barf of some one night stand you picked up at some party earlier that night.

C. Waking up to the fresh smell of flooded toilet water soaking into the carpet on your bedroom floor, which of course you hadn't noticed until you slipped and fell right on top of that very disgusting floor..

D. Waking up to the sound of your parents loudly declaring their love for each other in the bedroom next to yours... while you have friends over... those of which are all staring at you in alarm because they had just witnessed you witnessing what they have deemed to be the single most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to any one that they know.

E. Waking up to the sound of what could be a dying animal. Well, actually it is more likely that this particular sound was far worse than anything an animal could ever make. Nothing but five agonizingly long minutes of ear-splitting shrieks and screams being belted out by two sixteen year old girls with what could be two of the largest set of lungs ever to grace this green earth. Seriously, they would put those opera cows to shame with the sounds they are making right now. Who cares why they are making those horrifying sounds, just pretend it's a spider or some other stupid thing a girl would scream about. Hell, even if you pretend that they are about to be killed by some axe murderer I highly doubt that you would not be surprised by the volume they have reached.

I suppose that by now you have figured out that the answer I have chosen is the last one on the list, so I will just come right out and tell you that this is the only sound that has ever actually caused me to wish I were deaf... or dead. As of this very moment I am not sure which I would rather have happenbecause I am not sure which is better: having no memory of this event or to live with it resounding throughout my mind for years to come.

I have seriously tried everything I could possibly do to block out the sound without leaving this bed, but nothing is working. I am about ready to strangle those two-two things down the hall. I will do anything to get them to shut their mouths, even get out of bed to do it, because there is no reason for all of the commotion that they are making. Yes, that is right. I am about to drag myself out of bed in the middle of summer vacation to get them to shut the hell up.

I, not being a moron, tried to prepare myself as best as I could before leaving the confines of this room to defeat the foe I shall be encountering. I shoved as many ear plugs into the sides of my head as I possibly could as well as grabbing one of Hak-su's many blow horns.

I carefully opened the door and slipped into the hallway and, unsurprisingly, closer to thenoise pollutionthat was offending my ears despite the houndred of ear plugs currently shoved deep into my ear canal. I am not really sure how long they had been yelling and screaming and what not before I had woken up, but I am pretty sure they should be losing their voices by now, as most human beings do. But then again, they may not actually be a human. They could be two screeching chimpanzee in disguise calling for mates. However, that is very unlikely so I am forced to conclude that they are both simply out of their damned minds.

I proceeded cautiously down the hallway and past the bathroom to what I presumed to be their lair due to the fact that the their screams were actually louder than they had been when I wasn't wearing any ear plugs at all. At this point that I could now hear that theywere not only screaming and shouting to some random rock song, but that theyalso proceeded to jump aimlessly around the room, thrashing at probably just about anything... My kind of girls: violent, screaming, and obviously musically challenged. Those kinds of girls are always way more attractive than the ones that are frail and quiet with beautiful singing voices. After all, there is nothing like having your own personal head banger princess.

I took a deep breath, bracing myself for the savage girls I would be seeing on the other side of the door, and turned the door knob, or at least tried to turn the door knob, only to discover that the psychos had locked the door. I then proceeded to trying to bang on the door to get their attention without any type of reward. If anything, it only caused them to get louder. Great, the head banger princess and her stupid little friend know when someone is trying to intrude.

I decided to resort to the deft ways of Hak-su himself, given to me in case of an event such as this. I suppose all of those jokes I had cracked about him being so concerned with my ability to defend myself against his little sister had been, to say the least, stupid. I now know that if I had ignored him completely I would never have figured out how to defeat the fiends that are they before I seriously go deaf.

Hak-su had told me that the locks to all of the doors in the house could be opened witha chopstick. Why he would know this or even try it in the first place is a complete and total mystery. I quickly retreated to the end of the hallway, down the stairs, and right into the kitchen. When in the kitchen I scrounged up some necessities as well as a chopstick. I chugged the soda and shoveled and swallowed the large amounts of food down my throat before getting back on task.

After all, I am a growing boy and growing boys do need their munchies.

I made my way back up the stairs and up to the evil room at the end of the hall before I quickly jammed the chopstick into the lock and opened the door only to find that there weren't two psycho teenage girls in the room. There was only one very scary screaming girl and one very scary screaming boy. They ignored me as they screamed into brushes and danced around on top of a very girly bed. I watched the two practically suck each other's faces off as the song ended and couldn't help but curl my lip at it.

Hak-su never told he his sister had dyed her hair such an unattractive color or that she was still dating that idiot Chin-seok. As I contemplated this they tore apart and looked at me, shock written all over their faces. It took a moment for them to shove each other away with highly disgusted expressions on their faces as if they hadn't almost inhaled each other's faces. I eyed Mi-kyung, trying to figure out why she looked so weird. Well, aside from that hidious blond color that was currently eating away at her hair.

I found myself no longer concerned with her odd appearence and a lot more in pain about ten seconds later when I was hit on the arm with a large metal object that felt very much like a baseball bat. I had ruled a baseball bat out because I was pretty sure that anyone that entered a room with scary flower sheets would not be able to swing a baseball bat that hard. I, of course, was wrong once again. As soon as I got somewhat over the shock and pain I felt and managed to stand up again I was looking a silver and red baseball bat right in the eye. Well, technically they don't have eyes, so I was basically just looking at it, but that is beside the point.

When I looked up, Iwas staring at anexceedingly pissed off Mi-kyung. Wait, if this is Mi-kyung, who was that chick that looked weird? Well, either way she clearly was not pleased to see some guy ogling her room with a chopstick he used to break into it room in one hand and a blow horn he had planned on blowing at both of them in the other, not to mention the twenty pounds of ear plugs he was sporting at the moment.

"Are youstupid? Don't attack me." I said crossly while clinching my hand to my side to prevent me from reaching over and rubbing my arm because I seriously can't look like a wuss in front of her. If she ever told Hak-su about something like me nursing my arm after a girl hit it he would never let me hear the end of it, well, unless she caused me to go deaf via her monkey mating calls or if she just killed me right now. I apologize to all who find my belief in her capability to kill me very girlish, but she can't possibly be human so your laughter means nothing to me. Nothing, I say.

"You know what, you stupid fat cow, I think I will." She said smugly. My jaw dropped at the slander she had just spread around the room within hearing range of the two 'love-birds' and a stupid stuffed animal collection. She had just called me a stupid fat cow. Me! Min-soo Lee, a stupid fat cow, "Are you blind? You've got at least twenty pounds on me, you stupid little smurf."

---

You know, it's kind of funny what runs through your head when you are unconscious from beinghit on the head by a baseball bat one too many times. Most people say corny things like 'I saw my life flash before my eyes, blah, blah, blah, etc.' and want nothing more than sympathy booty from whoever is dumb enough to listen, but I will be honest with you, all I saw was every girl I had ever slept with that I would want to be reminded of. I know what you are thinking: Oh wow, so you have two or three girls romping around in your mind. So what?

I do apologize if you are one of those sad and pathetic people who are lucky to even get the chance to talk to someone of the opposite sex, but I am not one of you. Until about a week ago I had all the girls I wanted, but that is a totally different story for a totally different unconscious explanation. This unconscious explanation is about how artistic my subconscious is. I mean, my mind has filtered out every bad night of sex I have ever had. I truly am an artist- a sexy one at that.


"Hak-su, you have to come home right now!" Mi-kyung said frantically into the receiver in a voice she had deemed very quiet. She sat staring at the closet door warily while listening to her brother tell her she was crazy if she thought he would leave his beautiful Su-ming in the middle of his date just to read her bed time stories.

"You are crazy if you think I would leave my beautiful Su-ming in the middle of our date just to read you bed time stories. By the way, isn't it way past your bed time, little sister?" Hak-su asked ending it with a thick, gooey coat of sugar. He smiled at his date and tried to look like he was paying attention to her as she babbled on and on about her hair color.

"I am not going to go to sleep with a crazed hostage taker locked in my closet!" She yelled into the phone, momentarily forgetting that she had been trying to keep the said crazed hostage taker from hearing her. She quickly glanced at the clock on her desk, "By the way, it's three in the morning! Get your ass home before I call mom and tell her you are still out."

Min-soo's eyes shot open when he heard Mi-kyung practically screaming into the phone receiver. He tried to focus, but he couldn't see anything at all. It was completely dark. He felt his face, making sure his eyeballs were still in his eyes sockets. "I'm blind! You have blinded me!"

Mi-kyung jumped a little at the sudden outburst, "Hak-su, he's awake again! How do you think mom and dad will react to me being dead? Huh? You are definitely not the family favorite so you are so in for it if that guy kills me! Anyway, Nae-wi and Chin-seok are here, too. What are you going to tell their parents when they arediscovered floating down river somewhere? Huh, answer me that, oppa." She waited for Hak-su to respond in a heroic fashion and to come rescue her, but she was sadly disappointed.

"Whatever, Mi-kyung, I don't really think he would want to go to jail over killing you anyways, so I am pretty sure you are very safe. Besides, if you are dead then I will become the family favorite. It's really just a win-win situation for me, so I could care less. Now if you would excuse me, Su-ming and I are about to embark on a lovely adventure together down the street at this nice little hotel. Buh-bye now."

She stared unbelievingly at the receiver when the dial tone came through. She slammed it down before eyeing the closet door, Nae-wi and Chin-seok sitting silently next to her on the bed, Chin-seok sitting furthest away from the supposed threat.


I can't believe my crap luck. Min-soo Lee should not be having such horrible luck, but here I am sitting here, blind but not deaf, and on the butt end off everything that is and has been going on. I strained my ear to hear what was going on, which made me suddenly remember that her voice shouldn't be muffled the way it was. It makes me think that I'm in a different room than her.

In fact, that would make a whole lot of sense if I was sitting in something like a closet because that way she would have only needed to drag me a short distance before hiding my body away. I felt around for something remotely resembling a door. When I finally found it I pressed my ear up against the wood, hoping to hear what was going on in the other side.

I couldn't help but jump when I heard something loud echo through the walls. All I could hear now was some running water from what I presume was the bathroom, meaning that she was about to take a shower. This left me only a very short and limited opportunity to escape from the confines of this four-sided cage.

I turned the door knob quietly and crawled out of the closet, leading me right into the scene of the crime. That is what I call what she had done to me earlier, because who in their right mind would attack the best looking person in school with a baseball bat? I really hope she knows that I didn't appreciate that.

The first thing anyone should do after almost escaping the grasp of some evil person is to lock the first door they come to that is in a room with at least one window. I almosttook it upon myself to do so as soon as I realized that if I tried to get out of the house using the door she might be standing guard. However, if she hears me lock the door or tries to open it later she will know that I know where she is and so decided that my best means of escape would be climbing through her window without touching the door.

I shut the closet door and started looking for the baseball bat she had so kindly used against my head. If I was going to get out of here alive and planned to return sometime before her death I would have to confiscate that horribly effective weapon. That or buy one and I'm sorry, but I don't feel like buying on just to get revenge if I could just take hers. After all, there is more irony this way.

I thought a sweep over would have done the trick, but it seems that the head banger princess had decided to make me work for my safety instead of just giving it to me like normal people would have. I, being the very intelligent person I claim to be, started by snooping throughthe belongings in one ofher drawer- her panty drawer to be exact.

I opened the third drawer on the right and was greeted by a large pile of the most unattractive under garments in every imaginable color. I had never slept with a girl to date with such an abundant collection of unmentionables that literally shouldn't be mentioned. I have an almost crazy love for anything that touches a girl's body, but even this was too-too horrible for the likes of me..

After a few minutes poorly spent on the contents of her panty drawer, I decided to move on to other things. I chose to snoop through her book bag which was conveniently located at the base of her dresser. I opened the various pockets looking for anything that could potentially pose a threat to my health. Not long after I stumbled upon a small green book with various things scrawled about its worn pages-That and a pack of gum. Did I ever mention that I really like gum? Well I do and I plan on taking this pack from her as part compensation for the beating she gave me.

The first few pages were covered in hearts filled with the name 'Chin-seok' back to back. It was a bit obsessive if you ask me, but then again I just finished shifting through the panty drawer of a girl with flower sheets on her bed. Well, anyways, the next few pages after that just had date plans scribbled in between hearts with arrows through them and what not, something I found very disturbing.

Do not fear, there are some juicy bits in there. Way better than most people would give a sixteen year old credit for. There were dates planned for places like the playground down the block. Seriously, who could resist that?It really is awonder her boyfriend isn't cheating on her right now. Apparently she doesn't plan on spreading her legs to anyone any time soon, so what is a jerk likehim really waiting around for?

I quickly disposed of the boring reading material and sifted through the trash in search of the gold. I found it soon after within the not-so-private pages of a journal she kept for one of her classes. It was very entertaining to me, regardless of my obvious distaste for the emotion and angst ridden lyrics, though the ones that are about sex do usually end up in my favor, which to my disappointment did not grace these pages.

I cleared my throat as I began to read, "Pleasant dreams, they disappear, left alone with only my deepest fear. Hardly a soul left inside, burnt rice andflatsoda on the side. I'm lost within an endless maze, waiting for the end of this helpless phase." I blinked down and tried to figure out exactly what someone should say to that-well other than something along the lines of 'Run, she's mad!' I quietly put the journal down and walked over to the mirror, hoping that those lines would not end up haunting me in my sleep.

I took a deep breath and put on my saddest face, "I am so alone. I wait for my fries at the store, but they are all soggy. I am so alone. My dry cleaning has shrunken and my socks don't match. I am so alone. I lost my wallet and my friends stole my car. I am so alone." At one point or another I had started to pose as I transitioned from one complaint to the other. I suppose that it's my inner rock star coming out.

Ahem, getting back to looking for the baseball bat. I next looked under the bed, in her closet, behind a poster, between her manhwa, in her bamboo plant pot, under her pillows, and even in her make-up bag. It seems that she has taken the weapon with her and that I am going to be forced to leave without taking it away from her.

I heard the water in the bathroom stop running, so I made a quick dash to her window before flinging it open. I had been about a second away from jumping out and running down the street, but that was just before I looked down and realized that I wasn't the only on in the room. The slutty girl was currently being dry humped by Chin-seok on the floor between her flower sheet covered bed and the wall. I tried to move slowly away, hoping that the psycho spawn of Satan'sbackstabbing friend and cheating boyfriendwould just continue doing the dirty and leave me and my now bruised arm alone.

When I turned aroundI was facing Mi-kyung whostared at me with wide eyes, noting that her two 'friends' were no where in sight. Suddenly she pointed her finger at me, "You pushed them out of my window! You horribly fat and ugly man! How could you kill them?" I gave her a look before pointing back at her, "How dare you accuse me of that! I am a guest in this house as you are and you beat me with a baseball bat. Hak-su will be hearing about this, just you wait. You'll never step in the Cho household again-I mean, out of your room again!"

She blinked at me, "What are you talking about? I am no guest and neither are you. You are an extremely unwelcome robber that must die for killing Nae-wi and Chin-seok!" She began to yell at me as she took a few steps toward me, shaking her fists at me before she launched herself on me. I fell backwards when she tackled me and landed on the bed, her against me.

I braced myself for some kind of crazy attack with nails gouging out my eyes and fists ripping the hair out of my head. Instead when I looked at her face, she was staring past mine, her eyes wide with unpleasantsurprise. I turned my head and followed her gaze, my eyes landing on two frozen bodies, four eyes staring right back at us. The boy's hair wall all messed up and he had lipstick smudged all over his face and the girl looked just about the same. Mi-kyung climbed off of me and backed away, tears threatening to spill over the rims of her eyes.

Right then as I watched her shaking as she stepped away from me and the couple on the ground I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. I couldn't help but feel as if nothing, not even beating me in the face with a baseball bat numerous times, could make anyone deserve this. I couldn't help but feel as if I had to fix it for her. I couldn't help but feel as if grabbing Chin-seok and dragging him over t he bed before beathing the hell out of him was the one thing I had to do.